Bon Courage*

So they're in the appeal hearing, deciding whether to grant my dad bail, again. I can't believe this has gone on for so long. I can't believe all of this... hasn't worked. For the first ten days or so I wasn't really eating and only kind of sleeping. I didn't get hungry, I didn't get tired. I've never responded to stress that way.
I went back to work last Tuesday, but I'll likely have to take off the end of this week, again. It shouldn't really matter, I'm not "there" when I'm there. Most people don't seem to "get" it, "how's your dad?!?!" Um, in prison in Rwanda, being brought food once a day from the embassy so he is not poisoned, held for doing his job as an attorney.... thanks for asking?
I bought a fax machine because I started needing to send things to international faxes and realized the last thing I need now is to lose my job because I was using county resources to send international, political faxes. I mean, I am actually currently applying for another job with them... it would be bad. But it's strange how little I feel. I got a call that the job that was offered to me was given to someone else. I don't care. I tell media without sufficient emotion in my voice that I am terrified for my dad's safety. And it's true, I am just so tired. Tired of being terrified for two and a half weeks. So now I only cry when I have to write letters to strangers about my feelings, which happens more often than you'd think, or when I think too hard about the prison.
There have been some amazing people who have come out of the woodwork, friends of my dad's from elementary school, former clients, my old friends. I feel let down by every institution. Barack, didn't we say yes we can? Bill, I didn't care about Monica. I defended you against my dad's criticisms, for crying out loud, both of you! I supported you, now I'm s.o.l.?
And I continue to just really miss my dad. There was/is a bat in our house. It's disgusting, we keep thinking it is gone and then 2 days later it reappears. You know who would know what to do? My dad. The worst part of this whole thing is that the one person who would know how to get my dad out... is my dad.
One thing I have learned through this, guessing what he wants and not being able to speak to him, is that I know him very well. "I told you so" is unkind and counterproductive in dealing with the family, but... I'm usually right. I know what he will do, I know what he will say, I know what his coded messages sent out of jail mean. I am my father's daughter- not in all ways- but the same closeness that causes me so much personal pain now is what gives me that insight. Like everything, a blessing and a curse. And now back to waiting for the bail ruling...

*In this new life, I talk to many french speakers and international lawyers. There is something somehow better about bon courage. It makes me feel tougher than "good luck." I guess because courage sounds involved.