Some Days/Weeks

Having a job that feels important is not all it is cracked up to be.

The end of vacation is always boring. And logistics make it even worse, like when the sweet trip is over, I’d like to just be home in normal life. Flying and waiting for bags and getting the parked car and driving 2 hours home and picking up the dogs the next day is really just insult to injury as far as I am concerned. There’s lots to say about the trip, but for now two things that have made me laugh since getting back to work today:

1. Police report: “I initially thought he had a large piece of food in his mouth, but on closer review it appeared to be a wisdom tooth.” So gross for some reason.

And

2. Letter from client: “Especially here in Arizona, they’re mean here. Or maybe it’s just my bald melon.” (no, it doesn’t make a lot more sense in context, but did make me guffaw out loud.)

Welcome back to post-vacation, post-30 summertime!

This is My Life

Me: Hi, is this Tim?
Tim: Yes.
Me: Hi, I’m a lawyer in Arizona, I represent someone I think you know, Dave Johnson?
Tim: ...
Me: I’m sorry, he told me that he knows you from work?
Tim: Hillbilly Dave?
Me: ... I’m, um, not sure. He does odd jobs where you work, he also rents space the... he's blond...?
Tim: Yeah, there’s three Daves here, I call him Hillbilly Dave.
Me: Ok, well then, Hillbilly Dave is in jail, I am trying to get him out, can you write a letter about what you know about his character?
Tim: Sure!
Me: Ok, and can you not call him Hillbilly Dave in it?
**names have been changed to protect all alleged hillbillies**

Lately

Clients keep telling me I'm hard to get ahold of. And I don't know what to say, sometimes I want to ask whether they think I'm sitting back sipping champagne while they're sitting in jail. Um, because I'm not (not during work hours, anyway.) I either need to develop a way to be in constant contact with 60+ people at a time... or develop thicker skin. They have a right to be able to reach their lawyer... but I have a right not to feel guilty after leaving home at 6:15am Thursday to do court in Page, America and spending all but 45 minutes Friday running around at court like a crazy lady. And then I got back to a notice that a client I was working hard for had hired a private lawyer... which should be a relief and delight since I wasn't going to make happen what he wanted to have happen... but was kind of insulting. Again, thicker skin needed.

Y211

Over Christmas we watched "It's a Wonderful Life." I didn't realize Charlie had never seen it. It's one of my favorite movies. I always forget and remember how much story comes before the seeing-life-if-George-Bailey-had-never-been-born part. My very favorite part, though, is of course the end when all of the "riff raff" pour into the Baileys' house and give what little bits they can to help George come up with the missing $8,000.

My dad said it and I agree for my own different reasons, 2010 was his "It's a Wonderful Life." It was mine, too. On one hand, I learned a valuable lesson and appreciate so much more than I think I did before. I saw I have a lot of friends and I have very good ones.
And, I mean, dudes, I was on BBC! I was in the NY Times, like, MANY times. And Foreign Policy! And I passed two bar exams while working full-time, can we revisit that accomplishment?? I also celebrated the beginnings of five new marriages of people I love. (and watched/helped another I love end hers... sad but probably also in the "good" column since "good" is being happy and healthy and whole.)
But a good portion of the year was terrible and I was so incredibly scared and unhappy and still feel so frayed and damaged about it I start crying. Less so now but by the fall I felt so tired, deep, deep down.

But. Holy shit. How bizarre. It's almost like a "be careful what you wish for" thing. Oh, you think being on BBC would be rad? Ok, well, we're going to put you through so much that six months later when the Associated Press calls you about something completely unrelated, you will have negative desire to call them back. (Yep. That happened. Last week.) My co-worker said, "it's kind of fun to see your name in the paper." Nope, not really anymore.
But enough bemoaning and verification I need to process all of this with a professional, eh?
My "Wonderful Life" illustrated all of the good for me, too. (these are not in order)
I love my job. See: previous post.
I love my man/boyfriend/joint tenant with right of survivorship/whatever- I don't need to gush over him on the internet, but he is a great person who makes me laugh, supports me in the ways I need and keeps me honest.
I have awesome dogs. See: FACT.
I have a warm house which always needs more TLC but is totally mine. Well, half mine. But, you know. Even when this happens (welcome home!):

I have so many friends. When in crisis or joy, I feel they're family I created for myself. Which brings me back to "Wonderful Life." George learns his friends, the riff raff, are there when he needs them. I learned my own riff raff, a coalition of people I've collected over the years, care about me. This is maybe stupid and oversharing, but for a kid who read Little Women on the playground when she was friendless in 1st grade and whose mother freshman year told her her college friends didn't really know her because if they did, they wouldn't like her (crazy shit, right?)... it's incredibly significant. It's significant and gratifying that I've picked amazingly high quality people to befriend and they've picked me back. I am both lucky and reenforced that I must be pretty darn ok if these awesome people all showed up at the house with whatever donation they could make. And then we sang Auld Lang Syne. No, wait, that was the movie.
Anyway. I can't trade experience. Do I wish lots of 2010 never happened? Yes. Do I see the value in the struggle? Yes, that too. Did a learn lots about myself and other people? Um... yeah, ok, fine. Am I pleased as fuck 2010 is over? Yes, ma'am.

On these first days of the new beginning, here's hoping for us all 2011 is a year of health and happiness and lessons learned as least painfully as possible.

Life is Weird

It is. I almost want to make an "it gets better" video for early and mid-twenty-somethings. Because I feel like it does and no one tells you and I'm there and it's so much better than it was. But I was just looking at pictures of someone's trip to New York on facebook. And whenever I do that, I get a little sad.
I get sad because I love New York. I do. And I think of the 2003-2006 period when I lived there and the friends and times and experiences that happened there and then. Now I love going there and being there and have a connection to it, maybe a little like I feel with New Orleans also, where it feels like the place/life I could have lived and therefore it will always be a little bit "home." But then there's the weird thing about adulthood... I feel like I've realized that while I love and respect New York... it's not the right place for me. I proved I could make it there, but then chose not to. And that's a "right for me" decision... the things I need from the life I want don't have to happen there. But they could. And that's the crazy thing. I don't think it's particularly interesting or admirable, but I've moved around a lot in the past ten years. East Coast to midwest to southwest. And here's the thing... there's a lot of places I could be and could be happy. Changing homes so often means both I carry my home with me, but also that lots of places are a little bit "home."
I remember talking to high school seniors applying to Wesleyan--both in Madison and here in Flagstaff, and I'd remind them that something like 96% of people love college (of course this was meant as encouragement if they didn't get into their top choices.) Yes, that's not everyone, but of those 96% people... do they love it because somehow they selected the right college for them? No. College is awesome. They loved it because it's awesome. Of course, if everyone went to Wesleyan, it would be 100%, but that would destroys the specialwes. Anyway. My point is the weirdness of life and how there are so many different paths and directions but how so many of them to lead good and great things. The other week, Erin remarked something like that it's so weird that I'm a public defender and I lived in Flagstaff, Arizona. And it is... but for a Minneapolis kid, is it really that much weirder than being an assistant in Manhattan? Not really. A different kind of weird.
And is life in general like college? Well, literally, no. Tragically it is too little like college. But metaphorically, can things be great if you land in variety of different places? Yeah, I think. Of course this does beg the question... if we can do awesome anywhere, why didn't we pick a place closer to people we love? It's the adventure. Or that's what we say. There this on Jezebel last week, about what a dad should teach a daughter... and I like it. Partly because most of things I did learn from my very excellent dad-of-a-daughter but one is probably missing-- landing on your feet. It's a skill. It not a skill learned like changing a tire, but that's part of it. Being self-sufficient and flexible is what I'd like my kids to be... and if it means they successfully build a life in a place none of us anticipated... I think I'd be proud. It's a good sign. Then again, it doesn't matter where it is, I'd be proud and I am proud of a successfully built life anywhere.

Chappy Cholidays!

In the interest of full disclosure, that Gus ornament made it one day before its inspiration knocked over the tree and shattered it into a million pieces. We got some new ornaments, tougher ornaments, though. So don't cry.
Anyway, I am so in the holiday spirit already, you guys!! We have a tree up, I am drinking from red cups, I've gotten and shipped presents for both my and Charlie's moms, our sisters, for baby Jesus, I mean, preschool kid Johan and his mom, my wife. And for another birthday, not naming any names but she's totally turning 30 on Friday and it rhymes with Talison Menge.
I like it because I usually always have good intentions, I just forget. And then I have all this crap that is either totally outdated and useless or super late and it seems like I didn't really care enough. I've got some more elving to do but also have a ton of time to do it in. And maybe this future me will follow through since new me is setting such a good example for her.

In the meantime, it's almost time to go to Phoenix to go to Minneapolis tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving, please enjoy this joke my client told me this morning in the psych unit:

Him: Want to to hear a joke?
Me: Sure.
Him: What do you get when you fill out all your paperwork?
Me: MMMmmm... I don't know, what?
Him: A thousand paychecks!
Me: Wow, that's a good deal!



I hope you fill out all your paperwork so your Thanksgiving is better than a thousand paychecks!

I Gotta Wear Shades (Future's So Bright)

Hey Sarah, how the hell are you? Busy. But good. Really good. At some time last winter, even before a good portion of the badness of AY2009-2010 happened, I was listening to This Year by the Mountain Goats. And thinking about how it was on a mix my friend Rachel made me for New Years 2006 and how many times since then it's been a kind of internal mantra. I have clearest memories of walking to the law school on exam days, listening to that song on repeat. At the time I incidentally walked north on Mills St. where I lived, which kind of fit with the song.



Anyway, last winter I was listening to it and thinking "Jesus Christ, when will 'this year' finally be over??" Well, of course, 'this year' never ends, there is a cycle of challenges, apparently until we die... But, in terms of the other side of the hardest year? Yeah, I'm there.

Work is good. Great. It feels wonderful to say it every time. It's also extremely challenging-- intellectually, emotionally but also exactly what I signed up for. I have a supportive boss, great and experienced co-workers, autonomy... Can I gush more? I am learning so much, so quickly. It's exhausting and exhilarating. It's made me realize that I've had a lot of bad jobs... (and some good ones).

It's been gratifying, too, because, it turns out not only is this what I want to be doing... but I'm not bad at it. I mean, considering I'm in week 7. Two highlights of Friday included a judge saying I must have practiced somewhere before here because I have a "great presence" in court and then, of course, the client who told me she liked me because of the register of my voice, because I was wearing a turquoise shirt and because I was white. Did I mention comic relief? That's a big part of the job, too.

I think I didn't realize how much my professional dissatisfaction was impacting my general world-view. Like, I have a job now that's frustrating in a lot of ways and emotionally draining in many as well, but I also feel like people think I'm smart and capable and I do feel like a total badass in it at least once a day. So that's awesome, right?

Also, despite what my mother says, I can paint my nails virtually any color I want and wear it to court (rainbow sparkles is probably more than I'd try, I'm talking like orange and red and dark purple). And then get people out of jail. Because I am a total badass and that's what I do.

Hey guys, remember... my last post? Well amazingly soon after that, I was offered a job. Excuse me, not, a job but a job doing exactly what I want to do. Like, I was in the interview and they asked what I wanted to do as my career and I stopped for a moment because I couldn't figure out how to say it without sounding like a total kissass. "This job, I want to do this." And I think it worked because it's totally true. I am so excited to start. Like... soooo excited. One reason I'm excited is because I feel like I don't really have to hide certain substantial aspects of my personality like I have for the past year. My dad referred to it as me "coming out." Except I'm still not gay. Just a lefty.
I feel incredibly fortunate. Because I am. Because I got this job by making myself completely qualified (oh yes, I worked very hard for 4 years now to do that) but also by hustling like hell and being really nice and reasonable to everyone for the past year. PS- once I heard all of the secretaries in the office liked me, I knew that was VERY good. Job seekers-- NEVER underestimate the administrative staff.
Anyway, the future starts on Monday, for a day. Then I go to New Orleans to hang out with friends and radical lawyers (there is much overlap between these categories to be sure) and then I start for real for real the following Monday. I have purchased things FOR MY OFFICE, like a lamp and ipod speakers. I got some new clothes, too. And I'll get a new day planner and pens before I really start, too. You know, back to school and all.
I'm kind of over the moon and have been for 2 weeks now. It's funny because a number of people have pointed out how additionally lucky it is that I hadn't gotten another job before this-- I wouldn't have been available or hustling like I was. Of course, this is impossible to really believe when you're in the thick of it, but they're right. Things worked out really well and really in the right way. The relief of working for/with people who a) guessed I was going to New Orleans for this convention and b) knew all about my dad's case (compared to perhaps where no one knows what a) is and about a month ago I was asked how my dad was doing in Rwanda...) is huge.
This is a lot of jumbled thoughts. Another jumbled thought is that I've been thinking about what to do with this blog. It's finding that comfortable middle where I am not just talking about the dogs, but am also not divulging private information and am also not compromising clients or my professional reputation by expressing opinions about more substantive things. Then again, I can no longer even find this blog when I google myself there are 6,670 hits. Wowza. So much for privacy.
Oh and one more time- YAY!

21st Grade

So by all accounts, many detailed right here, 2010 has been kicking my ass. Ok, thanks, that's enough... unfortunately there are 4+ more months of 2010.
I had a thought last night, though, what if it's not "2010" but academic year 2009-2010? We moved to Arizona a year ago, at the end of our academic-year based lease and Charlie started working right around now. I got hired and started my job at the end of August. We were all polished up and ready for 20th grade. And the beginning of the fall was ok. Then my grandma died. Then I started studying for the Arizona bar. Then I started being abused at work. Then I was still studying for the Arizona bar. Then I took it. Then I started studying for the Navajo bar. Then I took it. Then there was about 3 weeks of breathing room. Then I learned I passed both bars. Then Navajo wouldn't let me swear in because Arizona was slow with my character and fitness. Then I got offered a lawyer job. Then my dad got arrested in Rwanda. Then they gave the job to someone else because Arizona was slow with my character and fitness. Then a couple more weeks of total bizarre terribleness getting my dad out of Rwanda. Then my work hired someone who just sat for the AZ bar over me (and everyone else) who was already licensed. There was probably more and that about brings us up to now. And, of course, all of this happened with my one real friend in Arizona/joint tenant with right of survivorship living away from home 3 nights/week.
Of course there were good things over the past year, too. I did get a job when I moved to AZ. The schedule of living apart half time was not nearly as bad as I feared it would be. The fall was full of hikes and exploring this new place. We bought a house. We got a new wonderful pup. I went to 4 beautiful and terribly fun weddings and got to share the fun with all kinds of people I love from all over the place. I passed two bars! I'm licensed in Arizona! We're getting new windows!
But, all in all, this past 12 months has been really, really tough. I've spent a lot of time alone and more energy than I have ever had to or should have to trying to maintain my sense of self and self-confidence through blow after blow.
However. Here we are, starting 21st grade. Charlie will live here full-time in his new job starting Monday. Maybe I'll need to get new clothes, not for school but for court. I'll spend the fall getting to know new friends and learning a new system, like the old days. I like this academic year idea because after this many years of schooling, there is something that feels new about the beginning of fall. A more natural start-over than the middle of winter, post-holiday noisemaking. I also like the idea, frankly, because it means that this year of ass-kicking is over. I don't have to wait until December, new beginnings start now. God, I hope I'm on to something because I'll tell you, if real school had been as hard for me as this past year in U of Hard Knocks, I definitely would have dropped out long ago. And then I'd have so many fewer things to hang framed on the wall of my office!

Bars. Done.

Probably close to a month ago, when I'd taken both the Arizona and Navajo bars but hadn't gotten any results back yet, I said to Charlie, "Um, if I pass both of these bars, while working full time, I am going to be really proud of myself." And that's what happened and that's how I feel.

Not because it takes a genius, but it does take hard work and it was hard from December to March and just plain stressful since then. I was thinking about it on Friday, because sometimes I get frustrated and feel like the past 12 months have been stalled. Like I finally figured out working hard for something I cared about in law school and since have been derailed into working hard... just.... working hard. But I don't think I could have done this with a more demanding job, if I had been learning how to be a lawyer since August as well as studying. So I was thinking maybe I should cut myself a break and, you know, go back to being proud of myself. And relieved. And job-seeking, STAT.

April, so far

With hopefully the last (Navajo) bar exam under my belt, April started with visits from Madison friends and Charlie's parents and the night before Easter spent in a 4+ star resort in Phoenix drinking margaritas in a hot tub for $38/night including tax. That rules, right? It looked like this:


Then this last week was pretty terrible and tough at work. And too many (being any) tears of frustration were shed. But, thankfully, life works in funny and serendipitous ways. Like, just when you're feeling frustrated and lonely, it's time for a dear friend's wedding where you get to see and make merry with, like, 90% of your favorite people in the world. That, too, rules.
A year ago we went to Nashville (apparently just like Addie, et al) and it was superfun.



And a year later, this weekend, we're headed to Dallas to celebrate Alijo and Coco's nuptials. It's going to be very fun. And, as it turns out, sorely needed.

Mean People Suck

I recently became friends with the accountant from my old job on facebook. My first job-job. Where they made me cry all the time and once told me when I hadn’t done what they’d wanted but also hadn’t been given clear, no, any instruction, that it was “amateur.” I was 23. Yes, an amateur.

I decided to take the LSAT while I was still working there, I didn’t want the added stress of being unemployed or just starting a new job. I signed up for the Fall administration of the test in 2004 and later went into one of the partner’s offices. This was the “nice” one. I told him I was taking the LSAT and I wanted to take the week before it off. He said, “Sure, you can have that time off, but if I were you, Sarah, I’d really reconsider going to law school. It’s very competitive and difficult and you’re obviously… overly sensitive.”

This remains probably the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me. I think it’s mean because, well, it’s just an asshole thing to say to someone. But it also shows the way he saw me, which is the complete opposite of how I’ve ever wanted to be perceived—weak and incompetent? Um, no. It’s also mean because, um, LAW SCHOOL IS NOT THAT HARD. I mean, it was a lot of work, but intelligence has nothing to do with it. No one knew the girl who graduated first in our class because she was not being “competitive,” she was studying at home alone and never speaking to her classmates. That’s insane, not "competitive."

The incident created lots of fodder for jokes among my friends at work, the most popular alternative career suggestions were bunny farmer and flower arranger. You know, so my feelings don’t get hurt.

Anyway, reconnecting with the accountant, she mentioned this episode and how she wanted to drop a line to that partner, tell him I graduated and am on my way to being barred in 3 jurisdictions. I told her not to bother, he has received employment verifications for each of these background checks. He knows. He knows I worked in a federal prison, he knows I was admitted to Wisconsin, he probably by now knows about Arizona. He may not know he’s a total asshole, but I do. And that he was completely, absolutely and dead wrong.

Promises, Promises

I promised, to myself and to you, that I wouldn’t complain about bar preparations very much here. And I think I’ve pretty much stuck to that, but my first real bar-related melt-down last night is a good reason to make a rare exception. I was upset in a way that only a tremendous amount of stress and a couple glasses of Sunday night wine can make a person. I had been pretty blasé about the bar, until I started studying. Out of the hundreds of people I know who have taken bar exams (aside from kooky ones like Louisiana) only a handful haven’t passed the first time. Even counting Louisiana it’s a large handful. Arizona isn’t considered particularly easy or particularly hard-- 84% of first-time test-takers pass. The rate is significantly lower overall in February test administrations, but that’s because of the way higher number of re-takers. I went to a good law school and I am not a moron. I know all of this. Yes, I’ve never been in the bottom 16% of anything (I’d say I’ve never failed anything, but those who have been with me for long enough may remember the 12th grade post-college admittance dance class debacle. Fun fact.) I’ve never failed anything I’ve attended, how about that?
The thing is… neither have most people who don’t pass bar exams. The people I know who haven't passed... well, some of them are morons, but some of them are great people who I greatly respect. The opposite of moron!
These truths (and the appropriate and appreciated reassurances from the one I sob next to) don’t do a lot for the blind fear I am entering. Not only would I be disappointed in myself and frustrated by the approximately $5k I've sunk into this whole stupid episode… but I have become pretty profoundly unhappy in my current situation and the thought of continuing the way I am until October (instead of May or even July) is enough on its own to make me cry.
I am grateful to be employed and really, really like getting paid regularly (little as it may be…) And this situation continues to be about as good as it can be seeing as I chose to move where I am not licensed (for the Constitutionally-inclined, a friend on his upcoming move from IL to TX, “The irony of studying article IV privileges and immunities for the multi-state AGAIN because I can't change states and stay in my profession without jumping through multiple flaming hoops lit with hundred dollar bills from my wallet is not lost on me.”) Again, the difference between what I know and how I feel. I have a lot of things going really great. Charlie’s work situation is not ideal, but his work itself is great and we can bide some time until he can work within commuting distance from our house. Our house! That’s great. The dogs are awesome. Yes, there is so much good, but goddamn it, I want a career! I want to do things I am excited about and be a professional and not be the bottom rung of a situation very similar to the one I went to law school to escape. I hate when people talk about deserving things and being “entitled” to things is for jerks… but these are things I really want, have put the time and work into and have been very patient (I think) in waiting for them to happen.
The bar is three weeks from tomorrow. I am going to continue trying to conquer the extreme fear of “what if” and soldier on through. There is so much material… But, in 3 weeks, 2 days and 9 hours, I am going to drink soooo much more wine. And probably cry again. But hopefully in a good way.

Weekends

The 3-4 feet of snow haven't hit yet, but through the blinds while I listen to lectures on Wills, I can see that we're on our way. Last weekend my dad was in town, which was great and we made some improvements on the house. Like he made it a lot warmer using logic and physics (and about $30 in supplies from the hardware store.) I think I felt so overwhelmed that I forgot things I knew. I put plastic over our windows in Madison in the winter... why didn't I think of that when our house here was cold? He also bought us a new front and side door. They haven't been installed yet, but they will also improve the heat situation. And while we were waiting in line at check-out at Home Depot, we had a good laugh about the days when I would have begged for a pony or been tickled by a boombox... but now I was stoked to get some new doors. I even up-talked my way to fancier front-door hardware. "But, Daaaad, I like this one so much more...."

This nice, long weekend was sorely needed. By the end of last week, personality problems at work had a hit a head that was only exacerbated by exhaustion and frustration with bar study. Once I got out of frustrated crying mode and into long weekend mode, it was much better. This weekend has involved some progress, too. If we ever finish the project in the upstairs bathroom, I will share pictures and stories. If not, I'd rather not discuss it...

And the dogs! So much dog time. Gus went to doggy daycare (excuse me, day camp) twice last week. It was awesome and pretty much totally worth $16/day. Not only do I not have to come home over lunch to let him out of the crate, but he is there playing like a maniac all day and so is, well, dog tired all evening. This is much more conducive to studying than these two pups "playing" all night in the background.




I hadn't noticed until Charlie pointed out that Gus shies away if one of us raises something like a stick. I didn't see it until we were trying to assemble this bedframe and he'd run each time I lifted my section. It's very sad and angering. I don't know who had him last, but if I ever find the person who used to hit him with sticks... I will hit them. With sticks if he or she is lucky. And that's a promise. I mean, look at him, what kind of a person would hit this?

CONSUMPTION IS LIFE

Hi friends, you know how much I enjoy consumerism, and I missed it so being funemployed and poor. So I thought I'd share some of the products that have greatly improved our lives in, like, the past week.

I came home from work on Friday and Charlie had purchased and set up: A Wii. Rockband. Wii Fit. Mario Kart. I was delighted. Charlie was amused when I emphasized that this is the first video game system I have ever had... as an only girl-child... makes sense, but still. At 28 I've arrived!

Surprisingly, we still tore ourselves away from video game to go up to Colorado and spend a night at Mesa Verde. Uncharacteristically, we chose to stay in the lodge in the park instead of camping (partly to do with dog restrictions, truthfully.) I'm so glad we did, though. Not only because that night there were lightning storms that started 5 forest fires in the park and then put them out with the rain (reason enough to be glad we weren't camping) but- the hotel was so cool. Not deluxe at all, very basic, really, but it was this complex of sets of maybe 6 or so rooms that were free-standing and all had decks with different cool views of the mesa.

On our return to Flagstaff, we were converted by this article about coffee and bent on changing our coffee-making situation. We so far resisted a $130 burr grinder, but did spring $28 for the Aero Press. And decided to buy coffee from a local awesome coffee place to make at home. So far, so great! The Aero Press takes some adjustment, but the coffee it makes is really good.

Basically, being a two-income household (in theory, I still haven't gotten paid yet...) is great. It's interesting because living in the boonies and in a place where you don't know anyone is a great way to save money. There's no reason not to bring my lunch and so far we have only been eating out on Thursday nights ("date night") after Charlie gets back from the reservation. On the flip side, I am enjoying spending money thoughtfully on things that improve our lives-- video games only kind of count, I know. I love picking up our CSA share every week and brainstorming meals based around the fresh and local fruits and veggies we get. I like spending a little more to get really good, local coffee. And, because I'm not eating out or buying coffee daily, I think we still come out ahead.

Obviously when you don't have money, there aren't many choices to make. But I am enjoying having the latitude to make some choices of better ways to shop and live and still being fiscally responsible. I can't speak for Charlie, though, word is Beatles Rockband will be arriving at our house tomorrow....

7 Good Things (Note: "Seven Pounds" was not one of them)

1. Well, you know, first is probably the JOB I WAS OFFERED TODAY. I start Monday. It's hard to express what a relief it is. If I chose to be cynical, I could describe it as the same job I had before law school but for much less money. But I choose not to be cynical. In reality, it's about the best situation I could be in (like, considering I didn't take the AZ bar, have no contacts in town, etc.). I am really stoked. I will have health insurance and a paycheck and county benefits and hopefully a full week before I remember that working isn't always that awesome.

2. We have a Sunday-only subscription to the NY Times starting this Sunday. This was the first week of Charlie staying out on the reservation, so number 2a is that he'll come home tomorrow night, we'll celebrate #1 with dinner out and the bottle of champagne Karen & Drew passed along for just such an occasion. Yes we moved inexpensive champagne to AZ. What? So 2b will almost certainly be how nice it will be to relax with the Sunday Styles with my boy and my dog in a couple of days, with the knowledge the next day will start my return to contributing member of society.

3. We were able to join in on the end of a summer CSA. Four more weeks of this one, which gave us tomatoes, turnips, beets, salad greens, potatoes, onion, carrots and cucumber last week. I picked up this week's share this afternoon, which was essentially the same but green beans and radishes instead of tomatoes and carrots. Yum!

4. My car insurance is over $200 cheaper per year in Flagstaff over Madison. Like, I have the exact same policy with the exact same insurer. So that's an unexpected perk of the move.

5. This week marks the tenth anniversary of going to college. Monday night we were able to toast it, Erica and I discussed it on the phone last night. It's a good thing. Incidentally, my sister went to college on Monday, too. We can sing Circle of Life together later if you want.

6. I found the natural foods store in town. I had gotten kind of worried/weirded our that I couldn't find a co-op or Whole Foods-type place. Well, Flag has a New Frontiers. Whatever, I don't need to do all my shopping at places like that (nor can I afford it, even with the new dual incomes...) but I was feeling panicky without a place to buy bulk spices-type things. I had some eel rolls with brown rice from there for lunch today. Stamp of approval!

7. Since today was Dog Day... well actually not because of that at all, but because I had to time and the promise of future earnings, I got Aberdeen a fancy new brush, brushed him and washed him in pomegranate fru-la-la dog shampoo that is supposed to reduce shedding. He hated the whole thing. Lucky for him in between the brushing and the washing we went on a walk on one of the nearby trails, where he can be off-leash and explore all the southwestern creepy crawlys he wants. Since his actual Dog Day was more bad than good, I thought I'd honor my constant companion by sharing his funniness. I had kind of gotten used to it and don't think it's so weird anymore, until the Monday visitors saw it and thought it was very funny.

Ok, so this is like what he does. Like immediately after I make the bed.



"Hey, Aberdeen... Aberdeen... You want to go outside?"



.....



He's magical.

So that's all the good things I can think of, there's a lot. Oh, perhaps the most critical of all, everything on clearance at Old Navy is another 50% off. So you can go, and like me, get 3 work-appropriate top-sweater things for $20. And then, like me, you'll be very thrifty as well as very lucky.

On Money

Ok, so here's the thing... we're not poor. But I am on foodstamps, things are about as tight as I remember them being. This is not a poor poor me post. But one about the things I've noticed while trying to stretch a dollar. Well, for one, today I made almost $140 selling 4 graphing calculators on ebay, as well as the bluetooth headset that came free with Charlie's cell phone. Not bad. But last week we were spending foodstamps at the Co-op and inquired about what happens when we move away. We were on some annual membership payment plan, so just wanted to make sure we cancelled it out, didn't end up owing them $7/yr for the next ten years or something. For some reason, they told us they owe us $13. When we quit, we can either cash that out or donate it to the co-op. Riding home in the car, Charlie said he could guess what I wanted to do with the $13. "Donate it...." I said. He was surprised, I don't think because he disagreed, but more because I had been listing calculators on ebay earlier that day.
Similarly, the other week I went to Planned Parenthood for my free exam and birth control, also courtesy of the state of Wisconsin. At the end of the visit, they asked me to take an envelope and make a donation to PP if I was able. So I went home, thought about how when I had insurance I paid $15/month co-pay and they had just given me 3 months worth for free... so wrote them a check for $30. Everybody wins, right?
So here's the thing. Just like this isn't supposed to be a poor me post, it also isn't supposed to be about how awesome I am. I mean, I am pretty awesome but... I went to law with a number of people who, well, at least anticipated making $160,000+ per year. There were some of these people who refused to participate in the "pledge-a-day" and donate one day's salary to fund public interest student summer stipends. There are some of these people who will not donate to anything until their student loans are paid off.
My point is that I thought this was gross when I had a student's income. Now I think it's totally sick. I mean, ethics don't (or shouldn't) change depending on how much money you have. Plus, this time has really emphasized to me what I have always believed- except for in very extreme cases, whether someone can "afford" something or not is based on priorties. I think the right thing to do is to pay what seems fair to Planned Parenthood and scrimp in that many other ways in other parts of life. I mean, JHC, we're driving to Milwaukee tonight to eat delicious pizza for dinner. Obviously we feel there are some things we can spend $30 on. I just think more than ever there needs to be a little more calling people out on what "afford" really means.

And if it really came down to it? This pizza might be worth getting pregnant for. Just kidding. Kind of.

Not Needed

Family doesn't seem to understand that "wow, you're in a tough situation" and "don't you feel lonely going to Flagstaff like this" are not good things to talk about. Oh, and how I will get murdered by someone showing me an apartment from Craigslist. I didn't know how easy it would be make me cry by rehashing the imperfect details of my situation. But now we all know it's a good way to get me to forgo homemade blueberry ice cream and head to bed at 9:45 after saying, "I don't know how to change any of these things before my 7am flight tomorrow. There are a lot of un-ideal things about my life right now."

UPDATE: They did give me bison burgers and the idea to use all my excess mint to make iced tea... so it's not all bad. Just, like, I liked the other parental side's strategy of taking us out for dinner to celebrate my first case and telling me things are hard but I have options better. Stupid equally-flawed-in-different-ways parents. Sometimes I wish I spawned from robots. Although robots wouldn't eat bison or mint tea, I guess.

On the move...

It's been noted by others (as well as my own self in my head) that we've been on the move quite a bit this summer. Generally not trips that cost any more than the gas, but it's still a little ironic that (f)unemployment is what it takes to be able to have the freedom to get around. Tomorrow I drive to Minneapolis in order to catch a flight to Phoenix at 7am Tuesday morning. Then I drive my rental car to Flagstaff and stay at the Ramada until Friday when I come back to Phoenix and return to Minneapolis. While in Flagstaff, I try to find us a place to live and try to replace my generalized anxieties about the unknown with particularized anxieties about the barely known. Then I spent a couple of days in the Twin Cities, hanging out with my family, etc. before heading to a cabin with Kristina and her little family (hello qt with my favorite kindness-child) as well as her mom and stepdad. Then back to Madison. Meanwhile, Charlie makes his way to Anchorage for a wedding and then to Tucson for the bar. I am getting better at spelling Tucson right on the first try. We meet back up in Madison late next week and head up to the Upper Peninsula with the d-o-g to camp for a couple of nights here. No, it's not the "bar trip" of some of our peers-- a month in Italy? A tour of southeast Asia? But we're not that fancy. And we're broke. But he's been working hard and deserves a mini-break someplace pretty with his girl and his dog.
It'll be nice to have him back, mentally, and start being able to really work together on this big move. Plus it's been pretty boring being a bar-widow.

Highlights of this weekend include figuring out how and using food stamps at the farmer's market and grilling ostrich burgers (& filets) with friends on the deck. Last week also enjoyed an epic 25 mile bike ride around Lake Mendota, watching Bruno at 2-4-1 student night and noticing the hot peppers in the deck farm are growing after all! Yes, it's a quiet and domestic life here... wait, did I mention burning 5 audio books to my computer for the move-drive? Um, right, still quiet and domestic.