Promises, Promises

I promised, to myself and to you, that I wouldn’t complain about bar preparations very much here. And I think I’ve pretty much stuck to that, but my first real bar-related melt-down last night is a good reason to make a rare exception. I was upset in a way that only a tremendous amount of stress and a couple glasses of Sunday night wine can make a person. I had been pretty blasé about the bar, until I started studying. Out of the hundreds of people I know who have taken bar exams (aside from kooky ones like Louisiana) only a handful haven’t passed the first time. Even counting Louisiana it’s a large handful. Arizona isn’t considered particularly easy or particularly hard-- 84% of first-time test-takers pass. The rate is significantly lower overall in February test administrations, but that’s because of the way higher number of re-takers. I went to a good law school and I am not a moron. I know all of this. Yes, I’ve never been in the bottom 16% of anything (I’d say I’ve never failed anything, but those who have been with me for long enough may remember the 12th grade post-college admittance dance class debacle. Fun fact.) I’ve never failed anything I’ve attended, how about that?
The thing is… neither have most people who don’t pass bar exams. The people I know who haven't passed... well, some of them are morons, but some of them are great people who I greatly respect. The opposite of moron!
These truths (and the appropriate and appreciated reassurances from the one I sob next to) don’t do a lot for the blind fear I am entering. Not only would I be disappointed in myself and frustrated by the approximately $5k I've sunk into this whole stupid episode… but I have become pretty profoundly unhappy in my current situation and the thought of continuing the way I am until October (instead of May or even July) is enough on its own to make me cry.
I am grateful to be employed and really, really like getting paid regularly (little as it may be…) And this situation continues to be about as good as it can be seeing as I chose to move where I am not licensed (for the Constitutionally-inclined, a friend on his upcoming move from IL to TX, “The irony of studying article IV privileges and immunities for the multi-state AGAIN because I can't change states and stay in my profession without jumping through multiple flaming hoops lit with hundred dollar bills from my wallet is not lost on me.”) Again, the difference between what I know and how I feel. I have a lot of things going really great. Charlie’s work situation is not ideal, but his work itself is great and we can bide some time until he can work within commuting distance from our house. Our house! That’s great. The dogs are awesome. Yes, there is so much good, but goddamn it, I want a career! I want to do things I am excited about and be a professional and not be the bottom rung of a situation very similar to the one I went to law school to escape. I hate when people talk about deserving things and being “entitled” to things is for jerks… but these are things I really want, have put the time and work into and have been very patient (I think) in waiting for them to happen.
The bar is three weeks from tomorrow. I am going to continue trying to conquer the extreme fear of “what if” and soldier on through. There is so much material… But, in 3 weeks, 2 days and 9 hours, I am going to drink soooo much more wine. And probably cry again. But hopefully in a good way.