poignant

Late the following morning, I picked her up from beside the quad. Her grin was uncontrollable as she got into the car, and her voice, usually measured, was a barely punctuated garble of names and details. Had I read Andrey Platonov’s “Foundation Pit” (she’d been to a class on it)? She met this kid who. . . . It was pledge night for boys trying to get into fraternities. . . . There was a picnic. . . . Everybody’s door was open. . . . They stayed up until after midnight, talking and singing. . . . She played a borrowed ukulele. . . . There was a boy who’d been a year ahead of her at elementary school in Seattle. . . . Everybody said. . . .
She’d picked up the slang and was talking ProFros and RoHos.
“I haven’t seen you like this since you were 7,” I said.
“I’m so excited, it’ll make the rest of high school unbearable if I get to thinking too much about it.”
She calmed down over lunch. Her great worry, she said, had been that she would never again have friends as close as those she made at high school; that college students would keep themselves to themselves and be hard to get to know. Overnight all her fears had been gloriously dispelled. Her two-house life in Seattle had, she said, helped ready her to go away. “At least I know I can survive without one parent at a time.”

This essay made me misty, poignant in a lot of ways.

21st Grade

So by all accounts, many detailed right here, 2010 has been kicking my ass. Ok, thanks, that's enough... unfortunately there are 4+ more months of 2010.
I had a thought last night, though, what if it's not "2010" but academic year 2009-2010? We moved to Arizona a year ago, at the end of our academic-year based lease and Charlie started working right around now. I got hired and started my job at the end of August. We were all polished up and ready for 20th grade. And the beginning of the fall was ok. Then my grandma died. Then I started studying for the Arizona bar. Then I started being abused at work. Then I was still studying for the Arizona bar. Then I took it. Then I started studying for the Navajo bar. Then I took it. Then there was about 3 weeks of breathing room. Then I learned I passed both bars. Then Navajo wouldn't let me swear in because Arizona was slow with my character and fitness. Then I got offered a lawyer job. Then my dad got arrested in Rwanda. Then they gave the job to someone else because Arizona was slow with my character and fitness. Then a couple more weeks of total bizarre terribleness getting my dad out of Rwanda. Then my work hired someone who just sat for the AZ bar over me (and everyone else) who was already licensed. There was probably more and that about brings us up to now. And, of course, all of this happened with my one real friend in Arizona/joint tenant with right of survivorship living away from home 3 nights/week.
Of course there were good things over the past year, too. I did get a job when I moved to AZ. The schedule of living apart half time was not nearly as bad as I feared it would be. The fall was full of hikes and exploring this new place. We bought a house. We got a new wonderful pup. I went to 4 beautiful and terribly fun weddings and got to share the fun with all kinds of people I love from all over the place. I passed two bars! I'm licensed in Arizona! We're getting new windows!
But, all in all, this past 12 months has been really, really tough. I've spent a lot of time alone and more energy than I have ever had to or should have to trying to maintain my sense of self and self-confidence through blow after blow.
However. Here we are, starting 21st grade. Charlie will live here full-time in his new job starting Monday. Maybe I'll need to get new clothes, not for school but for court. I'll spend the fall getting to know new friends and learning a new system, like the old days. I like this academic year idea because after this many years of schooling, there is something that feels new about the beginning of fall. A more natural start-over than the middle of winter, post-holiday noisemaking. I also like the idea, frankly, because it means that this year of ass-kicking is over. I don't have to wait until December, new beginnings start now. God, I hope I'm on to something because I'll tell you, if real school had been as hard for me as this past year in U of Hard Knocks, I definitely would have dropped out long ago. And then I'd have so many fewer things to hang framed on the wall of my office!

Ten Years?

Hard to believe it's been ten years since high school-- time has gone very fast and very slow. Actually, exactly ten years ago I suppose we were preparing for our first round of college exams. Although when I think about college, especially the first couple of years, I don't remember the school work at all.
Anyway, like our cohort across the country, the Minneapolis Southwest Class of 1999 had our reunion over Thanksgiving weekend. And it was so fun. No, I mean SO FUN. I was looking forward to it already-- not in some weirdo Romy & Michelle way where I was going to finally prove to the world I am a worthwhile person now, afterall (because, let's be honest, pretty sure I was cool then, pretty sure I am cool now.) But the event totally exceeded my expectations. Everyone was so nice and happy to see each other and... adult. Everyone was relaxed and really in the moment, also so nice to see and be a part of. I was so impressed by what people were doing-- thankfully pretty varied but mostly all interesting and pursuing some kind of passion. It was great to see. Interestingly, there are a glut of attorneys in our class, but as far as I could tell, no medical doctors. I guess we can credit Minneapolis Public Schools for turning out cool kids... just not necessarily on its science curriculum.

ps. I may have tried to get two classmates to make out by tapping one on the shoulder, asking if he is single and suggesting he make out with the other one. Erm... some things never change? Go Lakers!

Internet, Let Me Tell You Another Time I Was Wrong...

I am in Minneapolis this weekend, for the Southwest High School Class of 2009 graduation, which happened tonight at Northrup Auditorium. My little baby sister Zoe, the first and only person I have met within 5 minutes of her birth, graduated. I am also, of course, a Southwest graduate... although in my day the ceremony was outside at the football field. More changes include the dissipation of the largest Tibetan community outside of Tibet (everyone is named Tenzin, and I can explain it...) and the influx of huge Somali famlies. The hall outside was a beautiful sight, full of Somali women and children, delighted at their sons and daughters accomplishment. I wanted so badly to take a picture of a group of them with mylar balloons, but didn't know how to without being rude... so I have a mental picture I'll hold on to.

I realized soon into the ceremony that I've never been to a graduation that wasn't my own. I felt impatient and cynical, mostly the whole time. I felt like the speeches were full of cliches and repetition and at one point felt the urge to shake some of the 18 year old speakers and assure them, in the annoying and condescending tone I used to hate that I have apparently grown in to, "BELIEVE ME, it will get so much better...." They spoke about the great friends they have and the importance of these 4 years. I felt old and wise and a little jealous that they still have the last ten years I've had ahead of them. They're a great ten years, I thought better and more important than anything that came before. They've been life-changing and life-affirming and I do believe I have been probably three different adults in this time. I wouldn't trade it. I noticed that my art teacher from high school was one of the "senior advisors" and then saw her there, across a sea of purple plastic caps and gowns. She was my second-favorite teacher in high school. She was young and cool and since my first-favorite retired a couple of years after we graduated, she's now my "favorite" teacher still at Southwest. When Zoe went to pick up her diploma after the ceremony, the art teacher was handing out "N through R" or something. I went over to her, tapped her on the shoulder, she turned and said, "oh my god!" And remarked at how I look exactly the same. She asked what I am doing, I said I just graduated from law school and she said, "no shit!?" And I felt so strongly like I was going to start crying... and crying hard. But I didn't, we chatted, she continued to hand out diplomas and then I left.

And now I am pretty sure I am wrong. If those years were so cynically wasted, why did her hug bring me to tears? Was it yearning for a time when teachers were also part social worker, I could cry and tell her my fears about the newest stage of adult life? Was it the undeniable that when Southwesters get together, for a wedding like September 2008 or on my deck over my birthday weekend, there is something reassuring about being with people who have known me for a long time? Longer than the new new law school life, longer than even college life (which is now almost ten years, and believe me, I value more than I can blogsplain)? Because, as I think I have mentioned before, I left Minnesota and thought I was so done and ready to start a new life-- and I got one. But it's refreshing and necessary to be around people who connect the old life with the "new" life with the new new life.

I liked one part of the student speeches very much, it was about how lots of things we think are important now will stop seeming as important. But that they are important, because they are a reflection of the choices we make and the choices we make are who we are. Soon I will switch to an even newer life, not completely alone as I have been for the past two incarnations, but a new life anyway. So, here we are Internet, I think I was wrong. It's not cool to be cynical and thinking high school didn't matter is... wrong. Those were choices, it's all part of me and connecting 28 year old me with 14 year old me... is, well, an ok reason to cry.

There's not a lot I can or should say about this, but I've been trying to figure out, over the past 24 hours or so, why the murder of Johanna Justin-Jinich has bothered me so much. I think it's obvious that the tragic death of any young person should be bothersome, but the fact that it happened at Wesleyan is definitely what makes it stick.  And so I find myself thinking about her family, as one typically would... but also the girl quoted as planning to live with her next year.  I imagine how excited they were about their senior house. Because I know how excited we were. 

I think my mom actually hit it when she said, "It is natural that you would be so bothered – Wesleyan was one of the most emotionally safe & happy times in your life. It’s very sad."  That's still not entirely it, I loved college but it was not a completely happy time- either personally or nationally.

Aside from the personal, Fall of our junior year was 9/11. I remember the feeling on campus so clearly, the generalized fear and lack of information that morning. We somehow could tell the world (and our world) would never be the same... but we were still safe at Wesleyan. The world might have been in flux and scary, the planes crashed about 100 miles away, classmates were worried about where family and friends were.  But there, we were completely safe.  I think what has made me so sad about this is that all of those kids and all the ones to come have lost the ability to feel that way.  When college turns into a blur punctuated by certain memories, like it already has for me, I am afraid their late-night discussions and meteor showers and food fights and silly crushes and prank calls and the excitement of the pre-Presidential Obama graduation speech will fade and the terror and loss of these days will dominate.  

I hope I'm wrong... but yes, I think that's why I'm so bothered.

Spring Break!

Hi guys. This afternoon we leave on spring break. The dog is washed, homemade energy bars are made, sleeping bags have been located, laundry has been done. Last spring break ever, I am very, very sure. And the first break (winter or spring, I guess) in 3 years I haven't gone to New Orleans. We're driving to Colorado, then Arizona/New Mexico/Utah. Kind of crazy, should be mostly awesome. There are some interviews to be done down there, but also some hiking and camping and chilling. This morning Charlie asked if I was bringing homework. I thought about it... and said... no! He said he might bring some books. Like reading for fun books? If we can get this job thing squared away, post-Law School is looking awesome. Anyway, I am going to try to update this from the road.

See you in a week!

Athletic Supporter

This week I was blessed (via the student ticket lottery and my hard-earned U.S American dollars) to attend a Badger Basketball game (I have actually had tickets all season, this is the first one I went to.) Look how awesome my seats are. This is why it is advantageous to be a grad students, and to be teamed up with another student who has gone here for 7 years now.

Also, today I went cross country skiing for the first time in a long time (and I think the 2nd or 3rd time ever.) It was superfun, even if it did involve a lot of falling down. It was a gorgeous day, in the high 30s most of the time we were skiing- or warmer. And a couple hours there where living someplace like Wisconsin, didn't seem so bad.

Wow.

It's still a good idea, even in St. Paul. It just amazes me we're on par with NY, New Orleans, etc.

No analog in Mpls public schools, so far.

Could Have Been Hilarious

I am sitting in the grass outside of the law, having just completed my Evidence exam. And there are all these kids being taken on tours of the University. Kid-kids, like approximately 7 or 8 years old. And they stop in front of the law school and their tour guide tells them, this is the law school, this is where we train the lawyers. "Does anyone know what a lawyer does?" So this could have been really funny and cute... but instead the kids says kind of boring (but uplifting things) like, "they fix things" and "they go to court when people have to go to court." Then the tour guide tells them that the law library is the quietest library IN THE WORLD and that when you go in, you have to open your bag and give the librarians your computer and cell phone. This is a lie. He says this is because when you're training to be a lawyer, you have to read very difficult things and can't be distracted. I did not show him the scrabulous game I was working on. He then told them that the law school is sinking into the hill and that the glass structure in the middle of it is what keeps it afloat. I had never heard this before, but for good measure, I plan to stay away from the building until August.

Recent Highlights

Celebrating Cinco de mayo with Margs and Guac, courtesy of my current-professor-future-supervisor lady. Continuing to celebrate Cinco de Mayo with beer and then more beer at a place that offered $1 Wisconsin beer special. Studying Evidence some more, getting really, really bored. Eating 3.5 feet of Subway veggie patty sandwiches in the past week. Riding my awesome new bike around Lake Monona and continuing to love it. Also getting a little sun in the process. Also sweating out some of the aforementioned beers and veggie patties. I think that's about it. Exam on Friday, then just some bitty papers.

Oh, and today I also won tickets to the show I was going to on Friday anyway and a cash award for criminal law. This continues to be ridiculous. But also feels nice.

At What Point & Thankful

The undergrad class continues to be a font of bizarre, boring and amusing things. I can't share all of them for fear my classmates will find my blog and I'll get the reputation of "old bitch." Assuming that is not already my nickname, of course. But there are a couple of things...
1. Say you're a white male in your late 20s with a ponytail and you work with a central american solidarity organization in Madison, Wisconsin. And say your name is Steve. Is it ever acceptable to introduce yourself to other Americans as "Esteban"? I don't think so. And the pony tail has a lot to do with my feelings on the matter. I guess I will never be confronted with such an issue, with a name that doesn't change in Spanish. Carlos? Pedro? A million years ago in high school, there was a Molly who swore her Spanish name was Maruja. Some things don't translate.

2. This afternoon, I appreciated my delicate and overpriced college experience when a girl was standing in front of the class talking about the gender binary and heteronormative language and suggested there is an intersection between race and gender. And her classmates totally didn't get it and spent a lot of time whispering and snickering. Poor girl. Some things still don't translate.

Remember when my mom thought I coined the term heteronormative? Well, she may still think that...

Being a Winner

I actually learned of something else I won, after writing the last entry about winning. This one is an inaugural scholarship award from the Public Interest group at school. Before this grand season of winning is too far behind me, I just want to meditate on it for awhile. I think these are the first awards I have won. I have won elections and other good things have happened for sure... but oftentimes forms and applications leave space for "awards" and I've never had anything to put. In high school there was this strange program where a student was selected and given a book "from" a fancy-pants women's college (also strange since I don't think too many people from SW went to these places.) So, like, Kristina won, I think, the Mount Holyoke book? For being a kick-ass girl who was good at English, or something like that. I didn't get one of those. And Senior Superlatives? Didn't even get mentioned in those. And even though I was co-Senior Class President, I sat in an auditorium and watched my co- get all of the awards... and I didn't get one. This isn't just a pity-party for pity-party's sake, it's to make the point that after working my patootie off for the past year and a half in school, out of school and in ways that carry no financial reward... it's strange to be recognized, awarded, rewarded.

Scholastic Updates

In chronological order over the past week:

1. I more or less quit grad school. Emphasis on the more. I dropped a class and mentally decided it's ok not to do the dual-degree. There are a number of reasons I decided this, chiefly that I started it because I thought it would be fun and I have been finding it neither fun nor rewarding. I didn't want to stay more time in school to complete it and if I did complete it in three years, I would miss other opportunities. Dropping this class was a hassle and a half and really made me miss attending small school where if there was a bureaucratic problem I could direct each agent the other, across the hall of North College.

2. Last Friday was law prom, which I did not attend. I didn't go last year, either, because we had tickets the Decemberists. I would like to say I didn't go because I am too cool. The truth is feeling alienated, unattractive and totally F-ED in a certain class that shall remain nameless except that it rhymes with Kevifence... made it seem like maybe I should be doing something other than wearing too little clothing and getting black-out drunk. Maybe.

3. Yesterday I was elected Symposium Editor of the Journal. Even more than my position, we have an amazing board that I am really looking forward to working with. And, of course, I will put together a butt-kicking Symposium.

4. And then this morning I won award about caring about poor people.

5. And then this afternoon learned I got one of the Project Assistant positions in the clinic I've been working in for the past year. This means next year I work for them 14 hours/week and in exchange do not pay for school. And am paid a stipend. And get health insurance. It's basically the best thing that has happened in a while. Charlie actually got one of the other two positions. Which not only means we continue to be a pukey puke puke power couple, but a power couple that will have about $75,000 less in debt than they would have otherwise.

I rode the bus with 27 Jennifers

In my newest class/experiment with UW undergrads, there are 18 people.

5 of them are named Sara(h).

11 people studied abroad in Chile.

13 are Latin American, Caribbean and Iberian Studies and Spanish majors.


It's kind of like taking a seminar with 17 versions of myself in 2003. Love it.

Some News

1. My computer is busted. Instead of turning on, it flashes red, green, blue, then this crazy black and white pattern before going black... and then red, green, blue. Oh, and making this terribly crackling noise like the insides are a walkie-talkie on fire. So. The apple people have it. There are "various potential problems." I have 4 more months of AppleCare. Which means I have a loaner from the library and this whole episode won't cost me anything. A big deal for someone who lives on the internet/her computer, though. Also, because of this now know one can rent a MacBook from UW, three days at a time for free. Awesome.

2. I have noticed a shift in the classes this year, which is a little scary. They aren't talking about theories anymore, they're just telling us how to be lawyers. In Evidence tonight I got a little freaked out at the idea of being in trial and everything to consider and how much you can fuck someone's life up. And maybe I am not smart enough for this. And what is even more scary is that if I'm not smart enough for it, the vast majority of people are totally screwed. Wait, they already are. Nevermind.

The bright side? As a professor said other day: a bad prosecutor can ruin many peoples' lives in a morning. A bad defender ruins lives one at a time. Phew.


3. According to Lauren and her sources, brown hair is cool. This is good. Look how cool I am:



4. When the police trick kids on The Wire, it's funny. When they do it in the public defender class scenarios, I'll fight them. Speaking of The Wire, the first episode of season 5 is on iTunes for no monies. If you're into it.

Back 2 Cool

So I am taking an undergrad lecture course this semester. I know, yuck it up and judge my complaining about 18 credits in light of that all you want. It is about Transitional Justice, this professor is this really cool lady I have been reading about since I got here, it's basically perfect for me-- including, of course, the fact that I have taken classes on everything we are talking about before.
But I digress. There is a lot of reading and kind of a lot more work than I would have expected, I was a little nervous-- this time just to balance everything, as opposed to last semester when I was worried about looking dumb. So today was our first class. The professor gives us a definition of transitional justice, as asks for an example of when these methods were used. A kid raises his hand, first student participation of the term--

"That thing that came after the Civil War that starts with an 'R'-- what's that called?"



So to my mind, it's not that he couldn't summon the word, "reconstruction" that makes me suspect he is dumb... but his willingness to bring up something he can't even remember in front of the class. Was he not teased in elementary school? Does Wisconsin not properly socialize its children? Geez, louise!

The various other folks proceeded to bring up all and only the examples that were provided in the syllabus and one girl asked what an annotated bibliography was.

So. Um. I am not really so worried anymore.

Updating Machine

I didn't blog anything about New Orleans. I know. Here's a little. It was great, as always. Very fun (although the whole city seemed to get the stomach flu while we there. Yeah, yeah, me too, the "stomach flu" aka drinking like a freshman in college in a 26.5 yr old body) and very interesting to reflect on the changes since I first went a year ago. Like that the signs nailed to posts in the 9th ward have changed from "See the Levees Breach?" or "GUT Houses" to "Tiling!" and "Drywall." That's progress, I guess. I also got to revisit a lot of favorites and finally get to some spots-- like when C and I had a datey date at Jacques Imo's where I gave him this:

and he refrained from gagging all over it. I like it in New Orleans a lot, though, and after driving myself crazy for really two months, making trips happen for 550 people, while also making finals happen for me... it was nice to see the fruits of my labors, get some kudos and be reminded not to give up.
It also made the recent return to school feel a little scary and terrible. I don't know how I did it last semester and I just don't want to this one. There is actually so much more going on, we're hosting the NLG midwest regional, Spring Break trips will be huge, I have a little paying job, and then those silly 18 credits of school/clinic/journal. I am not just trying to bitch, or impress the internet with my toughness (or my enormous balls) but just explain why I get cold and scared so often and probably also why my weird little heart thing has gotten a lot worse. (I am seeing the Dr. on Friday, don't worry, internet.) Ok, I think this kinda brings us up to the present.

I hope you can understand my profound disappointment...

... when a new disc of Law and Order: SVU arrived in the mail today, I told myself if I got the paper done tonight, I could watch as many episodes as I could stay awake for. Well, I finished the paper (!!!!) and threw in some Olivia and Elliot to lull me to sleep... and discovered I have seen 4 of the episodes on this disc. This is why the Bravo Thanksgiving marathon might not have been the miracle it appeared to be. Nevertheless, I will preservere and will not be daunted by this challenge. Just as I was able to to turn out a crappy paper, I will be able to stay awake until 4am watching tv shows I have already seen.

Update, 10 minutes later: I feel much better. The dude who plays Cutty on the Wire is playing the Prison warden on this episode of L&O:SVU. And you know how I love cross-pollination among my shows.

Diet

Yesterday I ate 3 quesadillas, almost an entire butternut squash and 2 liters plus 2 cans of Diet Coke. I also tried to tweeze something off my face that turned out to be a mole. And this is all why I have stayed away from blogging. Because what I have to say is at best boring and at worse, gross.

I Have to Admit

It's a little fun. I have spent 3 days researching and preparing a presentation on Chilean Judicial Reform in reaction to Pinochet and how it lead to the Fujimori extradition. It's fun. It feels self-indulgent, I'm just here thinking about stuff and writing about stuff. Kind of like college. Little like professional school. After tomorrow, I'll spend 3 more days writing the paper. I do hope it stays fun. I am also looking forward to things like: leaving the house, drinking with others and, say, talking to others.