The Great Minnesota Get Together

MMmmm... the Minnesota State Fair. After about a six year hiatus, I returned triumphant- revisted some favorite places and discovered some new things. Like the pickle on a stick. This is delicious and truly a bargain at $1.75 (ok, I live in New York where the grocery store is priced like a baseball game)
Minnesota is a great place. A great place to be from and a great place to live (except in January, February and March.) I remember this again. Although it might be the sodium talking.

Roses and Corn...

Last Saturday was the kind of day I'll look back on and always kind of hold as the model of "a great day." A lot of things made it nice; a surprise visit from my dad, a beautiful day at the ball park but the evening time was the best. After the game the group of 4 went to central park, bringing with us grocery store sandwiches and beer in plastic bags. We ate and drank and talked in a little while 4 became 2 and it was just me and friend. I was made fun of once, after I described a New Years Eve as so amazing and caused lots of speculation on what really happened. Alison said something like "You know Sarah, 'amazing' probably means it was a really great conversation." Which is true. Saturday was great conversation, it was laying in the grass with that tired getting-over-day-time-drunk feeling and nothing felt hurried or complicated. At least to me, everything was honest and unrushed. There was nowhere else to be and nothing that prevented us from sitting in the same spot in the grass for almost 5 hours. No obligations or time crunch meant we could pursue every avenue, rehash old stories, talk about new things. Stopping to smell the roses is trite, I know. But I became so aware of how busy we are/I am/I feel that a time like that felt ridiculously rare is kind of time I love. And I think is so important because it reminds us why and that we are friends... and friends are good to have.

Summer Associates

Started yesterday. Some of them can actually be younger than me. I have already asserted superiority since though I've only been here two months, I know where the bathroom is and they don't.

Enough to Make You Go Crazy...

The world is such a weird place. Weird due to its simultaneous beauty and fucked-upness. Maybe the same thing that draw some boys to some girls and vice versa (only heteronormative here, please.) I was hesitating to write about this, because I was afraid I couldn't do it without sounding depressed and like a borderline case of borderline something. But nevertheless. Sitting in a rock club last night, listening to generally good music, I got that wave of the web of shitty things that it seems like as a conscious being you have to acknowledge but try to stay above so you don't drown in it. This is how it goes... The concert was a benefit for Darfur. Darfur, oh my god. Children's drawings of war. Rape as a weapon of war. The author of the Rape of Nanking killed herself. She had a small child, she couldn't handle it. That child doesn't have a mom, she killed herself. The world, the horrible things people do. Darfur isn't genocide. The Holocaust was genocide. Oh, fuck, the holocaust. The Pianist, I never finished. I never finish so many things I am trying to do. My room is a mess, why don't I have any money? I am a spoiled first world jerk, I want money for electronics and booze. People are starving, so many people. I have it better than all of them. I am a terrible person, I am the best person, the luckiest person. I can't even imagine war. Should I be able to? Oh god things are so fucked up and unfair and this country is a disaster and I periodically forget, then get angry, then forget again. And I am supposed to be intelligent and interested. And we have to cling to people, icons like Barack Obama but after all he is one man and he is a black senator but only the third since reconstruction. Oh my god, its so messed up.
I hope this doesn't really mean I'm going crazy...

Just Kidding.

I have an endless amount of interesting things to say. I could operate 50 blogs and every one would be absolutely fascinating. Or so 5:15 on Friday would have me believe-- anything is possible. A few thoughts, each could be one of those 50 blogs, I swear:

1. I am greatly enjoying Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

2. Work is horrible and makes me want to cry, even under the best circumstance.

3. The entire profession of law and everyone associated with it is stupid and pointless.

4. Hormones are a real thing and do affect your mood. (see #s 2 and 3)

5. Reading books is fun and I'm happy to be off hiatus.

6. Despite the fact that I used 2500 cell phone minutes last month, I do not consider myself a phone-talker. Not like some people.

7. Chocolate is also a real thing and also affects your mood.

8. Hearing later that someone has seen you when you didn't see them is creepy. Especially in this city of anonymity, I never think of myself being seen, only seeing others. Who, usually, I don't greet. Obvi.

9. My typing has gotten worse than, say, a year ago.

New Blog?

With the launch of whatelsedoyouhavetodo.blogspot.com-- a very exciting new group project-- I've realized that Erlingnition might need a sabbatical. While you might not believe this, I don't know that I have enough to say to fill two blogs. Even if the second is only a fraction mine. And how self-absorbed is it to believe I have enough INTERESTING to say that it should be posted on one blog, not to mention two. We'll see, "play it by ear" as I like to say.

untitled

Hi Erica.

Question

Can one learn a language only by hearing it? If so, my officemate's
extended phone conversations will soon be responsible for my fluency
in Russian.

Think Twice: 2

I eventually watched the "Think Twice: The Inside Story on Insider Trading" as well as its sequel "Think Twice:2" in a conference room on the 40th floor alone. As one would expect, even in industry-specifics videos from the 1990s about Insider Trading, the original was a lot better than the sequel. The room had a plasma screen TV and a rechargeable console that you could take around the room which controlled the vcr, TV, computers, etc. There were big leather chairs and engraved pens (of which I took 4) and before I got the videos I made a joke to my supervisor about not having or knowing anyone who has anything to trade. She didn't think this was funny.
In other news, yesterday was Easter and Kristina invited me to ponder whether ham has developed as a traditional Easter dish only to further differentiate Christians from Jews. In this vein, I celebrated Easter with Rob's family in an a-religious meal near the ocean in Jersey. I had my first Surf n' Turf, remembered how very good lobster is and meditated on how to redeem my soul. This was to differentiate myself from kosher Jews and Hindus.

When Did I Get Old?

Ok, I'm not really old. I'm 23. Sometimes I get scared, thinking of all the things physically wrong with me now and how they'll only get exascerbated with age. Aches and pains and dark world views. Last night was a night of culture and meditations on age. I first attended an event that was a fundraiser for the youth orchestra Erica works for. It was held at the Upper East Side brownstone of a woman who by virtue of birth and marriage had a lot of money, art and antique instruments. The house was amazing. Last night it was filled a lot of 75+ year old wealthy New Yorkers who speculated on whether a silver sculpture of a woman's torso was actually a bird and said "brilliant" in the British sense. There, obviously, I felt quite conspicuously young, like my presence was confusing to the high society roller-ladies and gentlemen. From there I went to an opening of the Buren exhibit at the Guggenheim with Rob. Firstly, the exhibit is terrible and a waste of money, if one were to pay. Secondly we encountered a girl who works for the education department at the Guggenheim who both of us automatically assumed was older than us. I felt intimidated by her, she seemed very put together and lots of things I aspire to be but feel I fail at. In the course of conversation (unfortunately she was very nice) we learned that not only is she also from Minnesota, but that she graduated from high school a year later than I did! Armed with the new knowledge, all of the sudden I had the upper hand. Since I am a full year older than her, I know that she cannot possibly have it all as figured out as she appears because for-christ's-sake I am nearly 24 whole years old and I have no idea what is going on. Strange that things like that still make as big a difference to me as they do. Maybe 24 isn't enough.

Oh No.

The good news is that I am back with perpetual internet access. The bad news is that now I work at a humongous (500 lawyers in NYC) law firm. Today is my third day. The actual process of getting a job was much simpler than last time, the five month lag was replaced with a five day one between when I got my act together to go to an agency and when I accepted the position. It is in the World Financial Center. People tourist the building, trying to get a good shot of their kids in front of the World Trade Center site. There are 4 buildings and it feels like a mall. The GAP, Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Starbucks and Cosi help. The firm has its own cafeteria and gym and so there is never any need to go outside. In the cafeteria, you eat food deducted from money on a magnetic card (the money goes on it through the exact same machines that gave us the laundry cards at Wesleyan), but I have so far avoided it because I don't know anyone yet and have weird elementary school fears. So today I ate a salad at Cosi alone and ran into a kid from my LSAT class. The past fews days have been intensely boring and somehow also intensely exhausting and periodically I scare myself, thinking that I'll become complacent and ok with doing work with no connection to actual people. Only corporations, bad ones, too. But first I have to be given some work. Tomorrow I watch a video about Insider Trading. Holy Fuck.

Iquitos

Iquitos, Peru may well be the most miserable place I have ever been. It is at least 86 degrees at night and nearly 100% humidity. That isn´t the sucky part. It is the largest city in the world that is unreachable by road (so they say) and overrun by motorcycles. It´s like some kind of constant derby or rally or something. Some of them are more like moto-rickshaws. We spent a pretty hellish day arranging a jungle trip and elected a lodge with excursions over being taken into the jungle by an asociation of indians and camping along the way... the decision was not easy because the "adventure" tour (indians) had the potential for more, but Erin and I alone in the jungle with strangers... not so much. Everyone in Iquitos seems to be on drugs and mistaking noisy and hot for "lively." Pretty cool to see the Amazon river, of 3rd grade unit lore and imagination, though.

Lima, Peru

Erin and I were were supposed to fly to the Iquitos, in the jungle, at7am... but due to a migracion of birds, it was delayed until thisafternoon. (strangest reason for a flight delay I´ve heard of) So weare filling some time with the internet. Yesterday we went to thecentro and went on a tour of this church of the order or SaintFrancis. In the catacombs, in the basement, in 1947 they disinterredthe bodies of 25,000 people buried down there and seperated them intostone open-topped carrels. Like, all of the skulls together, all ofthe femurs, ribs, fingers, etc. Extremely weird. After the tour guideexplained all of this, a guy on the tour asked "wait, but WHY did youdig them all up and seperate the bodies?" "We were building a museum." Strange. Then we did a bit of shopping, scoring two shirts (one areject from old navy for erin) for 6 soles, which is less than $2. Asalesman in a department store told me I wasn´t american because my english was strange. I said, "fuck you buddy." No one insults my grasp of my mother tongue. He also preferred "la musica rock," specifically the b52s and told us Kate Pearson was 56 years old. Incredible.
We then proceeded to Jesus Maria, a friendlyworking class neighborhood where both Maggie and Erin have stayed atvarious points and put ourselves in the hands of Alicia. She cut our hair for s./7 (about $2.30) and styles it for s./15. The style wastotally worth it. Best of all, we have the same haircut, save that we asked for Erin´s bangs to be a little longer. Kudos, Alicia. Jessica might kill me, though. A jealous lover/hairdresser, that one. Last night was packing, chilling and eventually eating cow hearts with Maggie. They were a tasty, savory treat and come kind of kebab-styleand well flavored.So I feel good in mind, body and spirit. Like I do still speakSpanish, very relaxed and, aside from a sunburn from the 2d day,(knock on wood) healthy.To the jungle this afternoon... later to a surfing town near Ecuadorand then a little trekking in the Mountains. And home.

Anti-Climax

And so here I am, sitting in the office I was so excited to have all to myself when hired. The office I came to hate, the noises from the offices around that came to annoy me. I took everything down from the wall the other day, except the collage made from cereal boxes which will be my donation. I cleaned out my desk, more or less, and have spent the last day or so alternating between playing scrabble on the internet and writing a manual for the next poor sap to get my job.

Self Indulged Ranting?

Third to last day of work. I feel/felt like I was going to cry about 10 minutes ago, that feeling rushing over of having done every single thing for the past 23 years wrong.... having somehow really fucked everything up. But then it passed, unrelated, I think to the end of work.
I don't do work anymore. I went to the doctor this morning: got blood drawn, shot up with tetanus and prescribed for malaria. There is a lot I could be doing during this half day and last week I was working really hard. I think I have more internal drive than I thought. Work, here, they set up with absolutely no incentive to do anything. Not only do I not like any of them (keeping me from having some kind of personal obligation) but after one of the partners told me I am ill-suited to the law because of my over-sensitivity... there was no longer any motivation to impress for recommendation's sake. And so the basket of stuff sitting outside David's office waiting for me will not get done. Because, well, I despise him. And maybe that's because I am hyper-sensitive. Or maybe because he's an ass.
My regular doctor is on maternity leave and I had a new one. She was brusque but seemed to know what she was doing. I don't like to talk a lot at the doctor, but this is why it irks me when they interrupt me. She listened to some guy in the hallway go on and on about one co-pay versus another while I waited (for 45 minutes! 1.5 People magazines!) inside. When she came in, she interrupted me before I could show her my immunization card. Which, you know, might be useful in determining which immunizations I've had.
It's confirmed that I am in the midst of a quarterlife crisis. If I could afford/had use for a convertible, I'd have proof.

Condo-sleez-a

I heard an excerpt from the MLKJ day service in Harlem on the radio this morning. The service was attended by Mayor Bloomberg, borough presidents and all kinds of other NYC mayoral hopefuls. Quite a few locally interesting things were said, but I caught someone talking about the Condi Rice hearings that started in Congress today. They said something like, I may not agree with your politics and policies, but you being in the position you are is a result of everything we've all fought for. This is what is so frustrating about the Republicans and Democrats. Ok, so minority Republicans are creepy and I really don't understand it... BUT, the fact remains that Bush has a cabinet of unheard of diversity. The Democrats got themselves into a real pickle when they decided they couldn't oppose Gonzales because he would be the first Latino Attorney General. Come on, guys. It becomes beyond frustrating when you realize that all of their actions come only from a place of fear.

We won't rock the boat, we won't ask for too much, we'll concede when necessary (necessary will come up often, but "necessary" or what?) We won't stand for anything: we're pro-choice if it'll get us the vote, if not we don't care. We would prefer not to have the death penalty... but come to think of it... Gay marriage, well, aren't civil unions practically the same thing? We like gun control, but making a BIG stink over the expired assault weapons ban... is that really where we should be focusing our energies. And so we stand for nothing, not even as a viable alternative.

And even the Republicans stand for something, as gross and conniving as it might be. A few months ago, I realized that if in 2008, Elizabeth Dole ran for President against some John Kerry-type candidate... I would vote for her. And really only because she is a woman. There are superfluous supporting reasons as well, but essentially, I think that would tear down a huge access wall for all kinds of people and, well, mainly because she is a woman. Condi Rice doesn't get that same kind of automatic support, at least from me. I have a hard time buying a smart, African American woman from her background believing what she does. Like something in that equation must be false. The American dream, at least in my mind, isn't supposed to leave you so creepy. And with such a horrible haircut. I think I feel aversed to her, also, because of a classic Jungian rejection of what I fear in myself. Do I hate her because she is smart, successful, hated and utterly alone? There are joking allusions to an affair between her and Bush (and we can all tell he does have an alien fetish. See: Laura Bush) but we know this will never happen, she will only get hurt. He doesn't love her. And she still has a horrible haircut. She will soon be Secretary of State but at the sacrifice of her womanhood. And that scares me. And I reject it because by further ostracizing the ostracized, even in my head, hopefully I will never, ever be anything like her.
I used to think a lot about what we ask of people. And I was very into the idea of determining what people in your life are able to do for you, and only asking that of them. As oppsed to becoming disappointed by them when they fail to what you wish they could. This is the problem in politics- here we are wishing the Democrats to run a better candidate, be strong enough to stand up for higher ideals as well as what we all need.... but they can't and we need to accept it. This means instead of being best friends, we need to acknowledge that we do better as periodic coffee-buddies and go out and meet some new people (trying to avoid crazies.)
Or I guess there's always revolution... but here in my personal corner of the revolution the people are mean and the office is too hot.

Making it Happen

I got my tickets for peru last night- I leave January 28th and return February 23rd. Sometimes the past seems so isolated from the present that its easy to think that traveling in South America was a "study abroad thing," a one-shot deal. I've re- found the feeling I had when I got back from Chile, that the way it's done isn't the way it has to be. When I would meet folks traveling, they were generally adults who had just kind of taken off from life; teachers in the summer, investment bankers who work until they've saved enough and rock out.

It's like this past nearly two years have been so much about growth and moving forward that it was easy to forget that some things were good and didn't have to be abandoned in the name of progress.

In the mean time, there's a lot to be done: getting stuff found and sent from Minnesota, getting life together, finishing up and leaving a job, buying things... being anxious and excited by getting off the treadmill and looking around.

This is what I will look like when I am free from the shackles of abusive employment.

The Beginning of the End: I am IN Control

I quit my job yesterday. I couldn't do it in a real conversation and so finally got the ok from my mom to write a letter. Left it and ran out last night. Woke up this morning over-tired (had to wake up at 6:30 before waking up at 7:45), hungover (the celebration of others), and feeling like I am getting a sinus infection. And with a horrible sick and queasy feeling in my stomach that wasn't relieved until I got to work and faced those I'd quit to. And they were bizarrely fine with it. And continue to be deluded. They're delusional if they think I would refer a friend for the position- anyone I've spoken to for more than 5 minutes in the past year knows how horrible they are. And how unhappy I've been. I have recognized more and more in myself these internalized signs of abuse, "what will they do without me?" "maybe if I try harder, they won't get so angry" and even continuing to be scared after I quit. A strange feeling that now I am in control. Strange and fantastic. I told my mom yesterday that I felt like I had gotten sucked in, forgotten that I am young and capable and can do nearly whatever I want. And so I will. And I won't forget and I will do the crazy because when the hell else am I supposed to do it?

Same Shit, New Year

New Years may well be my favorite holiday.
It's the last of the "holiday season" which can make it both a relief and a little saddening. Everyone celebrates it, everyone feels free to say to say “Happy New Year!” without risking alienating the man who served them coffee.
This year I was in Madison Square Garden at midnight, midway through an amazing concert and a sea of red, white and blue confetti falling from the ceiling.
I started crying.
Ignoring the effects of a few Bud Lights drunk from plastic cups, I think its fair to say that New Years can be an emotional evening as well. New Years causes introspection and reflection on the world. We are forced to think about the past year, what we’ve done and what we haven’t. A year is a perfect unit of time for this, since when we were little, one seemed like an eternity and more and more as we age, they seem to flash by.
A few days before New Years, Erica asked me if I though it was going to be a peaceful year. And I knew it wasn’t. With 140,000 people dead of unavoidable natural disaster in Asia, a mounting death toll in Iraq, war and violence and hate in so many untold corners of the world that I can’t help but mostly ignore it; no, there is no way that 2005 will be peaceful.
No year has ever been peaceful.
Every year has meant sadness and pain for some, ambivalence for some and joy for others- but every New Years Eve, there is this perennial feeling that everything will now be reset, what is old will be new again and we will be able to stop smoking, eating cookies or avoiding the gym because the year restarted. And so I was standing in Madison Square Garden, watching tens of thousands of people embrace, smile and laugh, confetti falling into my Bud Light and crying while the world reset. I was happy to see 2004 go, it held a lot of personal dissatisfaction and a lot of death in my family. But in fairness, 2004 also found me love, kindness, fun and so much good. 2005 so far holds a lot of travel and change, also a sacrifice of stability and comfort. This is how years work, I am lucky (maybe even blessed) and lucky/blessed includes some sadness and some shit.