The end of vacation is always boring. And logistics make it even worse, like when the sweet trip is over, I’d like to just be home in normal life. Flying and waiting for bags and getting the parked car and driving 2 hours home and picking up the dogs the next day is really just insult to injury as far as I am concerned. There’s lots to say about the trip, but for now two things that have made me laugh since getting back to work today:

1. Police report: “I initially thought he had a large piece of food in his mouth, but on closer review it appeared to be a wisdom tooth.” So gross for some reason.

And

2. Letter from client: “Especially here in Arizona, they’re mean here. Or maybe it’s just my bald melon.” (no, it doesn’t make a lot more sense in context, but did make me guffaw out loud.)

Welcome back to post-vacation, post-30 summertime!

This is My Life

Me: Hi, is this Tim?
Tim: Yes.
Me: Hi, I’m a lawyer in Arizona, I represent someone I think you know, Dave Johnson?
Tim: ...
Me: I’m sorry, he told me that he knows you from work?
Tim: Hillbilly Dave?
Me: ... I’m, um, not sure. He does odd jobs where you work, he also rents space the... he's blond...?
Tim: Yeah, there’s three Daves here, I call him Hillbilly Dave.
Me: Ok, well then, Hillbilly Dave is in jail, I am trying to get him out, can you write a letter about what you know about his character?
Tim: Sure!
Me: Ok, and can you not call him Hillbilly Dave in it?
**names have been changed to protect all alleged hillbillies**

Official

I think a new way of talking has people saying, "It's official, I'm ____" or "I'm officially ______." It happens a lot on facebook, but other places, too. It's the new "I feel like _____." And once you start noticing it, it will slowly drive you crazy.

You're welcome.

Chappy Cholidays!

In the interest of full disclosure, that Gus ornament made it one day before its inspiration knocked over the tree and shattered it into a million pieces. We got some new ornaments, tougher ornaments, though. So don't cry.
Anyway, I am so in the holiday spirit already, you guys!! We have a tree up, I am drinking from red cups, I've gotten and shipped presents for both my and Charlie's moms, our sisters, for baby Jesus, I mean, preschool kid Johan and his mom, my wife. And for another birthday, not naming any names but she's totally turning 30 on Friday and it rhymes with Talison Menge.
I like it because I usually always have good intentions, I just forget. And then I have all this crap that is either totally outdated and useless or super late and it seems like I didn't really care enough. I've got some more elving to do but also have a ton of time to do it in. And maybe this future me will follow through since new me is setting such a good example for her.

In the meantime, it's almost time to go to Phoenix to go to Minneapolis tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving, please enjoy this joke my client told me this morning in the psych unit:

Him: Want to to hear a joke?
Me: Sure.
Him: What do you get when you fill out all your paperwork?
Me: MMMmmm... I don't know, what?
Him: A thousand paychecks!
Me: Wow, that's a good deal!



I hope you fill out all your paperwork so your Thanksgiving is better than a thousand paychecks!

Brush with Fame

I got my haircut last week. But this isn't about that. While I was in the chair, this song was playing:



A guy from a neighboring restaurant came to deliver some food. He said, "hey, this is my cousin's band!" I thought, "wow! I wonder who is cousin is. Does Jeff Tweedy's cousin work at a bbq place in Flagstaff?" And then he said, "yeah, the Rembrants!" Remember these guys?



So, only slightly less cool, I met the cousin of some guy from the Rembrants.

Relationships

New local lawyer acquaintance, trying to figure out why I moved here: "So, is one of you in some kind of relationship with Charlie?"
Me: Giggle. "Um, me, we're in 'some kind' of relationship."
Charlie: "Um, we prefer Joint Tenants with Right of Survivorship."

Either way, 'some kind' of relationship, all right.

Jolly Roger

Have I mentioned our family crest? Whenever we see skull & crossbones out in the world (which happens more and more often, the world is getting creepier?) we say "he's in our family!" "she's in our family!" It's just a little thing we do...

Dog collars and keychain from here, dog tags from here.

That's so Raven

Tiredness and stress, I wish you were to blame. But, alas, I am able to transition the conversation with someone capable of hiring me from my career ambitions to the penalties for offering oral sex in Louisiana all by myself.

That's awkward.

No, wait-- that's so Raven!

Especially if Raven is a super-awkward weirdo.

Winners!

We went to a fundraiser here last night for the county humane society. There was a country band and a silent auction, among the prizes were a "muzzle brake" and a free dog adoption. We got a call today and apparently we won the adoption... so add new dog to all kinds of upcoming changes. More on that as it happens... (there are no weddings and no babies involved, fyi.)

DING DONG

You how they've been telling us "it's starting"* for, like, 6 years but it hasn't really been? I know four couples who have gotten engaged in the past week. I am sincerely happy for all of them- well, three of them. The other one I'm more ambivalent about (you don't know them, I promise. And if you do, you're also ambivalent.) But anyway. Holy crap. At this rate the whole world should be married by 2012. Maybe I should rethink my absolute rejection of the possibility of being a divorce lawyer.

Just kidding, engaged friends. Well, I'm not, I could make a lot of money... But I'm talking about those other people, not you, don't worry.

In the meantime, special congrats to my bloggity friends Fletcher and Lauren. I'm just going to tell people that instead of Wesleyan Spring Fling 2002, you guys got together through my blog, ok?


*Wedding-fever, that is.

The nerve . . .

This is my mom's story from yesterday, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did:

In early Spring, I put some old wooden window boxes out by the alley with a "FREE" sign. A woman came along while I was in the yard and took them, with my blessing. TONIGHT, at least five months later, she comes to the back door and explains that they didn't fit exactly right—a bit too wide, etc. I listen to her complaint about the fit. Put them out with the garbage, said I; I sure don't want them back.

Oh, she says, they're too big and the city garbage men won't take them, so I have them in my trunk, gesturing toward the alley – and she looks at me.

I am having a surreal moment. What would I do with them then?—I don't want them, I say. Oh, says batty lady, you could pay a private hauler I suppose.

No, said I – this is sort of like "tag, you're it." They became YOUR window boxes a long time ago.

So, I have to get rid of them," asks the woman who took them for free and now acts like I sold her a Lexus with a warranty …. I think so, said the nice lady in the yellow house.

**Other parts of the live-telling of the story include the woman looking at my mom as if to say, "I am never shopping here again!"

Unlucky #5?

Arizona is the fifth state I've lived in. Well, I guess really the 6th, but the 5th since I got my driver's license. I can't explain what AZ holds that Connecticut, New York and Wisconsin didn't, but I guess a search for permanence (and that it's technically required by my job) caused me to get an Arizona Driver's License yesterday. Obviously the DMV took forever, thats a lame and boring story. But I got the license. One thing you may not know about Arizona drivers licenses is that they are good forever. Well, almost forever. This is terrifying based on the number of old people here. But I digress. The license I got yesterday expires on May 28th, 2046.

I am not kidding. The strange thing is that that is 5 days AFTER my 65th birthday. Hmmm... weird... Wait a minute.... they have my birthday wrong. I have an incorrect license that is good for another 37 years. DAMN IT! I was supposed to never have to go to the DMV again. Instead I guess I'll go next week...

Unrelated

To my last point, Ferris Bueller just started on AMC. Although we own two copies on DVD, I feel compelled to watch. At least glad they recognize it is an American Movie Classic.

Related to two posts ago, the homemade yogurt on its own is a little intense (I used whole milk as the website suggests for starting out) but then I let some sit in a colander with cheese cloth in the fridge for 24 hours. I added some salt and garlic powder-- and it's a delicious tangy and savory sour cream/cream cheese type topping something like crackers. THAT I cannot recommend highly enough. My next attempt will be with skim or 1% in an attempt to make such a delicious thing with some kind of health benefit over the original.

Tony the Tiger Does Not Approve

I was feeling self-congratulatory today, on getting the house and eating almost exclusively free food (complimentary breakfast and food stamps!) so I got a manicure. That guy did not approve of my decision. He said all I need is a one bedroom that is not too dirty and not too dangerous. Because I need to save up for my "american dream." I definitely giggled. Then he told me to go to his apartment complex and ask about openings, telling them, as he wrote on the back of the nail place's business card, Tony "the Tiger" sent me. Really weird and amusing. The scales tipped even weirder when he began serenading me with the lyrics for the instrumental easy listening radio station while rubbing lotion into me.

Joke

Man on the Street: Do you know any jokes?

Me: No, I don't think so. Do you?

MOTS: I know lots of them, millions, that's how I get money, food and cigarettes.

Me: I don't have any of those things. But what's the joke?

MOTS: A girl with big breasts works at Hooters. Where does a girl with one leg work?

Me: . . .

MOTS: IHOP!

I'm only going to say this once...

Because generally I think the only thing more pretentious than using "J.D." is using "Esq." But, like Bill S. Preston before me, this morning I was sworn in to the Wisconsin State Bar. I'm an ESQ., you guys!!!!!!! Awesome and weirdo. So, if any of my multitude of readers get in legal trouble in Wisconsin... I'll make you a great deal.

Unrelatedly, we saw The Hangover tonight and it was super-funny. Two thumbs up! (four if you count Charlie's...)

This past week, I was plagued with the gchat virus. It got into my gchat contacts and sent them all an instant message that said something like "lol check this out LINK." Now, I have a lot of gchat contacts, most of whom I don't know very well or at all. They're people who have emailed me about SHN or were on the big list of law clerks from last summer and so on. Once this message goes out, people are coming out of the woodwork, responding a day later, "it doesn't work!" or one girl who said "thanks for sharing!"
But, universally, my good friends from all stages of life were immediately suspicious... As Iliana said, "who are these morons thinking you're saying "lol"?" It was kind of a funny warm fuzzy aspect to the virus.
To be fair, if someone clicked on it, it doesn't mean we're not friends. I don't think Schiffty would say "lol" either but I let her give it to me...

Nerd Things

Nerd things include having a couple of glasses of wine and this causing the nerd to pledge online to her local public radio station. Lured by a reusable shopping bag. NERD!

Super Sunday

My body is terribly sore from the aforementioned x-country skiing... although less sore than Body Pump. Sore is good, right?

Last night we went to friends' regifting party. Charlie and I made out like bandits (as in got good stuff, not spent the time kissing and stealing.) He scored a bunch of coffee and coffee-related goodies-- syrups and chocolates, etc. I got this:



Yes, it's a Michelangelo's David Apron. Goes well with my other apron, which I don't have a picture of, but I got it in South Africa and it has smiling Nelson Mandelas all over it. Anyway, that is awesome and I also got some martini glasses. Which, despite having soooo many glasses, is a type of glass we don't have.

It was still an evening of getting in bed before midnight (and subsequently sleeping for 12 hours) because the previous three nights were late and all too revelrous. A word? Yes.

Wednesday night I got caught up celebrating this-- which I had no personal part in, except for being employed by the same clinic. Thursday night was a friend's birthday. Friday night turned from a quiet night at home to wine tasting, which turned to pizza and more wine, which turned to sipping rum and singing... typical. Anyway, my laundry is done and so I think I'll try to bank another 6-7 hours riiiight now.

I am sure why...

This strikes me as so funny. You know how in English, some people (not me or probably you, but some people) write things like "got 2 go" and "4ever yours?"

Well, I just noticed on facebook a spanish-speaking friend offering another "salu2."

You know, "Saludos."