Some Days/Weeks

Having a job that feels important is not all it is cracked up to be.

This is My Life

Me: Hi, is this Tim?
Tim: Yes.
Me: Hi, I’m a lawyer in Arizona, I represent someone I think you know, Dave Johnson?
Tim: ...
Me: I’m sorry, he told me that he knows you from work?
Tim: Hillbilly Dave?
Me: ... I’m, um, not sure. He does odd jobs where you work, he also rents space the... he's blond...?
Tim: Yeah, there’s three Daves here, I call him Hillbilly Dave.
Me: Ok, well then, Hillbilly Dave is in jail, I am trying to get him out, can you write a letter about what you know about his character?
Tim: Sure!
Me: Ok, and can you not call him Hillbilly Dave in it?
**names have been changed to protect all alleged hillbillies**

Lately

Clients keep telling me I'm hard to get ahold of. And I don't know what to say, sometimes I want to ask whether they think I'm sitting back sipping champagne while they're sitting in jail. Um, because I'm not (not during work hours, anyway.) I either need to develop a way to be in constant contact with 60+ people at a time... or develop thicker skin. They have a right to be able to reach their lawyer... but I have a right not to feel guilty after leaving home at 6:15am Thursday to do court in Page, America and spending all but 45 minutes Friday running around at court like a crazy lady. And then I got back to a notice that a client I was working hard for had hired a private lawyer... which should be a relief and delight since I wasn't going to make happen what he wanted to have happen... but was kind of insulting. Again, thicker skin needed.

Thanks

I had this client a couple of weeks ago and I had tried so hard to help her and to make things better. She had a mental health diagnosis that came about two years too late to keep her from getting into trouble. I really wanted to help her; maybe because she reminded me of my sister, maybe because mental health problems seem very ‘but for the grace of god’ to me, maybe because she has twin infants at home, maybe because she and her mom were trying so hard to make the best of her situation. Anyway, I tried really hard and we got a result that wasn’t perfect and will require her to do some substantial jail time… but was a lot better than what she was facing. And we made quite an impression on each other, she hugged me after she was sentenced and said thank you. And I knew she was going into jail the other day and so I checked for her on the jail list, just to make sure everything was going as planned. And then I got this card in the mail today.
I’ve been told and warned a lot that people will never appreciate me in my job. And to a large extent it’s true, it’s somewhat… thankless. I can’t make the impossible happen and so I get blamed from most sides, despite usually being the only one in the situation who had nothing to do with causing it at all. But it’s not completely thankless and really I’ve been thanked quite a bit. And it's nice every so often to be told people can tell you really care... when you're using a lot of energy really caring.

Someone from law school recently had a facebook status about hating being a lawyer… but I have to think, and feel a little bad for her that it's probably because she’ll never get a card like this.

Chappy Cholidays!

In the interest of full disclosure, that Gus ornament made it one day before its inspiration knocked over the tree and shattered it into a million pieces. We got some new ornaments, tougher ornaments, though. So don't cry.
Anyway, I am so in the holiday spirit already, you guys!! We have a tree up, I am drinking from red cups, I've gotten and shipped presents for both my and Charlie's moms, our sisters, for baby Jesus, I mean, preschool kid Johan and his mom, my wife. And for another birthday, not naming any names but she's totally turning 30 on Friday and it rhymes with Talison Menge.
I like it because I usually always have good intentions, I just forget. And then I have all this crap that is either totally outdated and useless or super late and it seems like I didn't really care enough. I've got some more elving to do but also have a ton of time to do it in. And maybe this future me will follow through since new me is setting such a good example for her.

In the meantime, it's almost time to go to Phoenix to go to Minneapolis tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving, please enjoy this joke my client told me this morning in the psych unit:

Him: Want to to hear a joke?
Me: Sure.
Him: What do you get when you fill out all your paperwork?
Me: MMMmmm... I don't know, what?
Him: A thousand paychecks!
Me: Wow, that's a good deal!



I hope you fill out all your paperwork so your Thanksgiving is better than a thousand paychecks!

I Gotta Wear Shades (Future's So Bright)

Hey Sarah, how the hell are you? Busy. But good. Really good. At some time last winter, even before a good portion of the badness of AY2009-2010 happened, I was listening to This Year by the Mountain Goats. And thinking about how it was on a mix my friend Rachel made me for New Years 2006 and how many times since then it's been a kind of internal mantra. I have clearest memories of walking to the law school on exam days, listening to that song on repeat. At the time I incidentally walked north on Mills St. where I lived, which kind of fit with the song.



Anyway, last winter I was listening to it and thinking "Jesus Christ, when will 'this year' finally be over??" Well, of course, 'this year' never ends, there is a cycle of challenges, apparently until we die... But, in terms of the other side of the hardest year? Yeah, I'm there.

Work is good. Great. It feels wonderful to say it every time. It's also extremely challenging-- intellectually, emotionally but also exactly what I signed up for. I have a supportive boss, great and experienced co-workers, autonomy... Can I gush more? I am learning so much, so quickly. It's exhausting and exhilarating. It's made me realize that I've had a lot of bad jobs... (and some good ones).

It's been gratifying, too, because, it turns out not only is this what I want to be doing... but I'm not bad at it. I mean, considering I'm in week 7. Two highlights of Friday included a judge saying I must have practiced somewhere before here because I have a "great presence" in court and then, of course, the client who told me she liked me because of the register of my voice, because I was wearing a turquoise shirt and because I was white. Did I mention comic relief? That's a big part of the job, too.

I think I didn't realize how much my professional dissatisfaction was impacting my general world-view. Like, I have a job now that's frustrating in a lot of ways and emotionally draining in many as well, but I also feel like people think I'm smart and capable and I do feel like a total badass in it at least once a day. So that's awesome, right?

Also, despite what my mother says, I can paint my nails virtually any color I want and wear it to court (rainbow sparkles is probably more than I'd try, I'm talking like orange and red and dark purple). And then get people out of jail. Because I am a total badass and that's what I do.

3 Random Thoughts

1) Over lunch I went to Subway (as I do often, yes) and pulling into the parking lot, saw this mass of teens walking toward Subway from the high school. And so I high-tailed it to get in line before them, but also dreading interacting with them. I wondered if I was aware adults felt this way about me when I was a teen. Did they? Probably.

2) I did some lawyerly stuff today. Like appearing in court and subpoena-ing stuff and learning as quickly as I possibly can. And getting one of my cases dismissed even though I had absolutely nothing to do with making that happen. All very exciting even if about 4 hours ago I was completely convinced I was going to vomit on my shoes. But I did not.

3) There's a facebook video thing going around about "re-thinking" Columbus Day. I seriously cannot remember the last time I had Columbus Day off from school/work. It must have been early elementary school because Minneapolis Public Schools stopped celebrating it, Wesleyan didn't, UW didn't and none of my jobs have. So, wah-wah. Thinking about this also reminded me of my time at the mean law firm where I didn't show up on Veteran's Day 2003 about 2 weeks after I started because the secretaries told me they didn't work that day, I assumed the office was close, but apparently that wasn't true. Wondering if I can pull a similar stunt for Columbus Day 2010...

Hey guys, remember... my last post? Well amazingly soon after that, I was offered a job. Excuse me, not, a job but a job doing exactly what I want to do. Like, I was in the interview and they asked what I wanted to do as my career and I stopped for a moment because I couldn't figure out how to say it without sounding like a total kissass. "This job, I want to do this." And I think it worked because it's totally true. I am so excited to start. Like... soooo excited. One reason I'm excited is because I feel like I don't really have to hide certain substantial aspects of my personality like I have for the past year. My dad referred to it as me "coming out." Except I'm still not gay. Just a lefty.
I feel incredibly fortunate. Because I am. Because I got this job by making myself completely qualified (oh yes, I worked very hard for 4 years now to do that) but also by hustling like hell and being really nice and reasonable to everyone for the past year. PS- once I heard all of the secretaries in the office liked me, I knew that was VERY good. Job seekers-- NEVER underestimate the administrative staff.
Anyway, the future starts on Monday, for a day. Then I go to New Orleans to hang out with friends and radical lawyers (there is much overlap between these categories to be sure) and then I start for real for real the following Monday. I have purchased things FOR MY OFFICE, like a lamp and ipod speakers. I got some new clothes, too. And I'll get a new day planner and pens before I really start, too. You know, back to school and all.
I'm kind of over the moon and have been for 2 weeks now. It's funny because a number of people have pointed out how additionally lucky it is that I hadn't gotten another job before this-- I wouldn't have been available or hustling like I was. Of course, this is impossible to really believe when you're in the thick of it, but they're right. Things worked out really well and really in the right way. The relief of working for/with people who a) guessed I was going to New Orleans for this convention and b) knew all about my dad's case (compared to perhaps where no one knows what a) is and about a month ago I was asked how my dad was doing in Rwanda...) is huge.
This is a lot of jumbled thoughts. Another jumbled thought is that I've been thinking about what to do with this blog. It's finding that comfortable middle where I am not just talking about the dogs, but am also not divulging private information and am also not compromising clients or my professional reputation by expressing opinions about more substantive things. Then again, I can no longer even find this blog when I google myself there are 6,670 hits. Wowza. So much for privacy.
Oh and one more time- YAY!

Relationships

New local lawyer acquaintance, trying to figure out why I moved here: "So, is one of you in some kind of relationship with Charlie?"
Me: Giggle. "Um, me, we're in 'some kind' of relationship."
Charlie: "Um, we prefer Joint Tenants with Right of Survivorship."

Either way, 'some kind' of relationship, all right.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

I thought about this quote a lot over the past month, fighting my hard battle. There has been a lot that has been very strange about the past month. I mean, really bizarre. The psychology of the whole thing is really beyond my armchair pop psychology abilities… in others, it’s fascinating, uplifting, disappointing to see who was there, who stepped up and who didn’t and how others reacted. There was this amazing, completely indescribable outpouring from the world. I said something like this at the press conference back in Minnesota, but without the Wailing Wall portion—I remember being at the Wailing Wall and feeling this energy… because whether or not you believe it has its own sacredness, there is so much human energy being focused toward it, it was palpable. I found the same to be true over this month, I felt like I could actually feel the energy and work and support of so many, many people. I was like the mom who lifts a Volvo off her toddler, there was this superpower that was fueled by that energy. Amazing. And lots of other words that are so overused that when something that truly incredible happens… they sound weak.
But in this extreme crisis, I was amazed at how both beautifully wonderful and completely cruel strangers can be. So much, more than I will ever know, of our success is due to friends and strangers reaching out, taking action and making this critical mass work. And I can't be more grateful. But to the woman who yelled at me to "get off the phone!" the day my dad was arrested and I was standing at the side of the gas station talking to a reporter? And the woman who was incredibly rude and put out when my dad's wife knocked over her empty glass while getting into our table at a restaurant after learning hours earlier that my dad would be released and preparing to eat our first meal of the day at 3pm after attending the UN Security Council Meeting? And to the reporter who misquoted me, causing me to called my father’s despicable lawyer daughter in the comments of the article-and every other one to come? And to whoever called me a prostitute in some other comments? And to the man who yelled at the overworked medical resident to move her car after she'd driven over an hour to see her friend who lives across the country and whose father was just released from 3 weeks in Rwandan jail? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? The vitriol was astonishing. You’re calling me and my family monsters and wishing us ill? See, I (the monster or at least spawn of the monster) would never say such cruel things about anyone. I would never delight in a family’s misery and fear and call names. Why? Because I was raised better by that monster. Even just being rude because you're having a bad day... unacceptable, you never know the effect of your unkindness on someone in the middle of their battle. On the flip side, woman at JFK, you'll never know how much it meant when you handed me your unlimited metro card, for no reason. It works both way.
There are so many more examples of the ways people were extraordinary, though, I don’t want to downplay that. I am more sure now than ever that I have amazing friends and I have met many more amazing people. Strangers, who have remained strangers, were amazing. For someone who isn’t good at asking for help, owing so much to people I’ll never meet is… humbling. Humbling is both knowing that people will help you because they know you and they care, and that people will help someone they don’t know because it is the right thing to do. The overwhelming lesson was really 1) people can be beautiful and 2) the internet is assholes.

Bon Courage*

So they're in the appeal hearing, deciding whether to grant my dad bail, again. I can't believe this has gone on for so long. I can't believe all of this... hasn't worked. For the first ten days or so I wasn't really eating and only kind of sleeping. I didn't get hungry, I didn't get tired. I've never responded to stress that way.
I went back to work last Tuesday, but I'll likely have to take off the end of this week, again. It shouldn't really matter, I'm not "there" when I'm there. Most people don't seem to "get" it, "how's your dad?!?!" Um, in prison in Rwanda, being brought food once a day from the embassy so he is not poisoned, held for doing his job as an attorney.... thanks for asking?
I bought a fax machine because I started needing to send things to international faxes and realized the last thing I need now is to lose my job because I was using county resources to send international, political faxes. I mean, I am actually currently applying for another job with them... it would be bad. But it's strange how little I feel. I got a call that the job that was offered to me was given to someone else. I don't care. I tell media without sufficient emotion in my voice that I am terrified for my dad's safety. And it's true, I am just so tired. Tired of being terrified for two and a half weeks. So now I only cry when I have to write letters to strangers about my feelings, which happens more often than you'd think, or when I think too hard about the prison.
There have been some amazing people who have come out of the woodwork, friends of my dad's from elementary school, former clients, my old friends. I feel let down by every institution. Barack, didn't we say yes we can? Bill, I didn't care about Monica. I defended you against my dad's criticisms, for crying out loud, both of you! I supported you, now I'm s.o.l.?
And I continue to just really miss my dad. There was/is a bat in our house. It's disgusting, we keep thinking it is gone and then 2 days later it reappears. You know who would know what to do? My dad. The worst part of this whole thing is that the one person who would know how to get my dad out... is my dad.
One thing I have learned through this, guessing what he wants and not being able to speak to him, is that I know him very well. "I told you so" is unkind and counterproductive in dealing with the family, but... I'm usually right. I know what he will do, I know what he will say, I know what his coded messages sent out of jail mean. I am my father's daughter- not in all ways- but the same closeness that causes me so much personal pain now is what gives me that insight. Like everything, a blessing and a curse. And now back to waiting for the bail ruling...

*In this new life, I talk to many french speakers and international lawyers. There is something somehow better about bon courage. It makes me feel tougher than "good luck." I guess because courage sounds involved.

Bars. Done.

Probably close to a month ago, when I'd taken both the Arizona and Navajo bars but hadn't gotten any results back yet, I said to Charlie, "Um, if I pass both of these bars, while working full time, I am going to be really proud of myself." And that's what happened and that's how I feel.

Not because it takes a genius, but it does take hard work and it was hard from December to March and just plain stressful since then. I was thinking about it on Friday, because sometimes I get frustrated and feel like the past 12 months have been stalled. Like I finally figured out working hard for something I cared about in law school and since have been derailed into working hard... just.... working hard. But I don't think I could have done this with a more demanding job, if I had been learning how to be a lawyer since August as well as studying. So I was thinking maybe I should cut myself a break and, you know, go back to being proud of myself. And relieved. And job-seeking, STAT.

April, so far

With hopefully the last (Navajo) bar exam under my belt, April started with visits from Madison friends and Charlie's parents and the night before Easter spent in a 4+ star resort in Phoenix drinking margaritas in a hot tub for $38/night including tax. That rules, right? It looked like this:


Then this last week was pretty terrible and tough at work. And too many (being any) tears of frustration were shed. But, thankfully, life works in funny and serendipitous ways. Like, just when you're feeling frustrated and lonely, it's time for a dear friend's wedding where you get to see and make merry with, like, 90% of your favorite people in the world. That, too, rules.
A year ago we went to Nashville (apparently just like Addie, et al) and it was superfun.



And a year later, this weekend, we're headed to Dallas to celebrate Alijo and Coco's nuptials. It's going to be very fun. And, as it turns out, sorely needed.

Mean People Suck

I recently became friends with the accountant from my old job on facebook. My first job-job. Where they made me cry all the time and once told me when I hadn’t done what they’d wanted but also hadn’t been given clear, no, any instruction, that it was “amateur.” I was 23. Yes, an amateur.

I decided to take the LSAT while I was still working there, I didn’t want the added stress of being unemployed or just starting a new job. I signed up for the Fall administration of the test in 2004 and later went into one of the partner’s offices. This was the “nice” one. I told him I was taking the LSAT and I wanted to take the week before it off. He said, “Sure, you can have that time off, but if I were you, Sarah, I’d really reconsider going to law school. It’s very competitive and difficult and you’re obviously… overly sensitive.”

This remains probably the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me. I think it’s mean because, well, it’s just an asshole thing to say to someone. But it also shows the way he saw me, which is the complete opposite of how I’ve ever wanted to be perceived—weak and incompetent? Um, no. It’s also mean because, um, LAW SCHOOL IS NOT THAT HARD. I mean, it was a lot of work, but intelligence has nothing to do with it. No one knew the girl who graduated first in our class because she was not being “competitive,” she was studying at home alone and never speaking to her classmates. That’s insane, not "competitive."

The incident created lots of fodder for jokes among my friends at work, the most popular alternative career suggestions were bunny farmer and flower arranger. You know, so my feelings don’t get hurt.

Anyway, reconnecting with the accountant, she mentioned this episode and how she wanted to drop a line to that partner, tell him I graduated and am on my way to being barred in 3 jurisdictions. I told her not to bother, he has received employment verifications for each of these background checks. He knows. He knows I worked in a federal prison, he knows I was admitted to Wisconsin, he probably by now knows about Arizona. He may not know he’s a total asshole, but I do. And that he was completely, absolutely and dead wrong.

Something I never mentioned....

Remember when I listed some weirdo legal presumptions? Well, presumption of death after 7 years definitely turned up on the Multistate Bar Exam. And I remembered it, because I had blogged it. And thus, finally putting to bed the question of whether the internet has done anything for me at all...

The Other Side!

Here I am, on the other side of the bar. Man, it feels really awesome. I've never studied for something for three months, been tested for two full days and lived to tell about it. But now I have and here I am. I never want to do it again and will probably spend at least a moment of each day between now and early May thinking about/hoping for good results. They tested Secured Transactions for the first time in over twenty years. Historical!

I had some misadventures getting down to Phoenix, which at the time seemed incredibly major and interesting. My story of trial, tribulation and triumph was probably going to be a Lifetime original movie. Turns out, it's not really interesting or all that dramatic. Basically, the windshield wiper transmission (there is such a thing...?) needs to be replaced (for $450...) and after the high drama, I finished the trek to Phoenix, courtesy of Rain-X and a really nice mechanic outside of Camp Verde, AZ.

Since returning home on Thursday, I've started in on the list of things I haven't been doing for 3 months a.k.a. My "Bar Trip."

Clean Bathroom!


Paint Bathroom (unclear if this marigold, excuse me "squash" counts as the "orange room")


Painted the guest room! Liquid Blue!Got my nails did (photo obviously post-guestroom painting.) "Chop-stick it to me." So awesome the woman next to me changed her mind from some purple and totally copied me! And then apologized for looking at my feet, which I found strange and unnecessary.

And a massage (not pictured)! And now you owe me an apology for looking at my feet.

And also, a real heartfelt thank you. I can't really explain how much it meant in the last few days pre-bar to get so many well wishes and notes. It's a little silly and sappy but it really made a difference in my mental state, also something I've never really experienced before. I mean, good wishes and good luck are always nice, but this time, as I was cresting the 3rd floor of the Phoenix Convention Center on the escalator, holding my laptop and bag of pens so tight I couldn't feel my fingers... well, I felt like I had a small army/cheering section/booster club behind me. Turns out it was just some sweaty ASU Law 09 grad. Well, him AND the small army. But seriously, it was really nice. So, thank you.

3 Good Things

First, this brought me great joy today. May I present, Gus Being Awesome:


Second, after 19 years of school, this is hopefully the last one of these I'll ever need to assemble...


Third, sometimes love is "I love you, you've got this, you're going to do great." And sometimes love is, "I bought you a bottle and a box in case you wanted to bring wine to Phoenix but forget a corkscrew."


Onwards and upwards, see you on the other side!!

Opposites Attract?

May I present:

Charlie's Bar Flash Cards:



And.... mine:

2 weeks from tomorrow, can I keep my hand attached until then?

#5 should say, "violation of knock & announce." That was the best I could do. I mean, after #1's Mirarrararda rights.

Learning about Presumptions

a. Legitimacy
Every person is presumed to be legitimate.

d. Death from Absence
If a person is inexplicably absent for a continuous period of seven years and he has not been heard from, he is presumed dead.

f. Chastity.
Every person is presumed chaste and virtuous.

The lesson? The law is weird.