FB

So if facebook status updates are annoying, maybe the only more annoying thing would be me complaining about them years after they were relevant. But here goes, sorry...

So there's the genre of "Sarah ate a turkey sandwich for lunch" that people love to complain about-- who cares about those details about your stupid life, etc. But the updates irking me lately are more in the category of "what the eff did you expect?"

"Sarah has a new baby and is really tired."

"Sarah lives in Death Valley and it is hot."

"Sarah likes weekends more than weekdays."

I am sure I've been guilty of this, as well but if you had a baby and thought you were going to get lots of sleep, or complained about not having a job until you got one and suddenly realized time off is nice... you're ill-prepared for life. If you expected all of these things but stil think these are interesting things to talk about... I beg to disagree. AND, if you are someone who "likes" or engages with these type of updates... please stop. I doubt this is the case, since readers who would do such a thing are more likely to read blogs of people who say "LOL" way more than I do, but it's a public service announcement.

Framed!

I know this is weird, but I've always had this kind of dark secret... well, not really fear, but more like knowledge that someday I'll be convicted of a crime I didn't commit. Kind of like every time I get sick I wonder if this is going to be the terrible terminal exotic disease that means the end of me. I am not sure if other people think this way. Saying it out loud makes it sound super weird. But anyway, maybe connected is that I hate being blamed for things I didn't do. This is unfortunately sometimes a part of my job... but really, what is worse than being blamed for something you either weren't responsible for or affirmatively did the opposite of? Almost nothing, that's what.

Anyway, I had a lovely veteran's day on Thursday which was capped by this really upsetting realization that over the past several months, someone in my life has been acting one way to my face and telling deluded lies behind my back about things I never did and motivations I don't have. I mean, like, totally bat-shit stuff. My point is not to drag this loser through the mud on the internet, my point is to mention how terrible it feels to be blamed for something you didn't do. I don't need to go into details, but it is truly pathological. Like acting as though this person was trying to be my friend while bad-talking me and making things up behind my back. Ahem. Not a very big loss in terms of a potential friend (wow, that is such a classy and healthy way to act) but nonetheless jarring to hear an account of your actions that not only is false, but also makes you look like this terrible person you are trying very hard not to be.

It's frustrating, too, because in the same ways I have to walk a line between correcting a judge's misstatement about what I did or said and saying "NUH-UH!" it's also apparently not acceptable to counter a rude person by, say, bringing up what I consider their physical flaws in every single conversation like this person has. Or try to exact revenge.

I guess my frustration also comes from being really too old for this. I used to get so upset in elementary school because I didn't have many friends and my friends were always disappointing me. I remember my mom telling me that I just had to wait, that other kids would catch up and then I would find friends who meet my standards. She was right, and I have. I have a lot, a lot of great friends. I try very hard (and I think I succeed) in being a great friend and it is reciprocated. I have a lot of very successful and meaningful friendships. So it's insane to run up against this terrible person (or remember that nutso from law school who made all this friend-drama for me 1L year?) It feels very unfair to be accused of not being something I've tried very hard to be-- a good friend. It's frustrating because as much as we can know, yes it's because someone else is insecure, yes it's a reflection of them, not me... turning the other cheek can be so terribly unsatisfying.

I also don't like it because it makes me mean. Because I start saying things like this person is ugly and pathetic and I want to kick in her teeth. All perhaps true, but that kind of anger and meanness is so not productive and is really toxic. And the world is mean and toxic enough and my job involves people being or being the victim of meanness and toxicity. So I want to spend my free time with people who want to be kind to each other and be generally positive and who don't gain self-esteem by putting others down like it's 1988 and we're on the playground of Anderson Open School. Let me clarify, I want to spend my free time to with people who are kind to each other both behind and in front of each others backs. If no such people are available, I'm cool with hanging out alone.

I am additionally frustrated (for some reason this is bothering me a lot- it has been making me huffy for days now and I wish it wasn't because it's stupid and waste of energy but I can't stop) because I didn't trust my instincts. I never liked this person. But I tried. I made an effort. Even after my dad was in Rwandan jail and she made sure to tell me she had contacts at the State department but was calling them for another reason. Um, ok. That's awesome. See, that's your prerogative, but don't tell me about it. Like I should understand. Of course, thanks for letting my know exactly where my crisis fits in terms of order of importance to you. So I should have known better, I shouldn't have made an effort, I shouldn't have overlooked assholey things in the past. But I did- and I got burned.

When I was feeling really mad, I was thinking things like, "oh you want to tell people I don't like you, wait to you see what me not liking you really feels like" and then probably something about the teeth-kicking again. But in reality, nothing dramatic will happen. I'll spend time with people I like, or alone, and get the slim satisfaction out of living well and being the bigger person. Bigger person save a facebook defriending... of course. And in terms of false convictions, one uncool person thinking I am a bad friend is way better than going down for a murder I didn't commit. I guess I'll take it.

21st Grade

So by all accounts, many detailed right here, 2010 has been kicking my ass. Ok, thanks, that's enough... unfortunately there are 4+ more months of 2010.
I had a thought last night, though, what if it's not "2010" but academic year 2009-2010? We moved to Arizona a year ago, at the end of our academic-year based lease and Charlie started working right around now. I got hired and started my job at the end of August. We were all polished up and ready for 20th grade. And the beginning of the fall was ok. Then my grandma died. Then I started studying for the Arizona bar. Then I started being abused at work. Then I was still studying for the Arizona bar. Then I took it. Then I started studying for the Navajo bar. Then I took it. Then there was about 3 weeks of breathing room. Then I learned I passed both bars. Then Navajo wouldn't let me swear in because Arizona was slow with my character and fitness. Then I got offered a lawyer job. Then my dad got arrested in Rwanda. Then they gave the job to someone else because Arizona was slow with my character and fitness. Then a couple more weeks of total bizarre terribleness getting my dad out of Rwanda. Then my work hired someone who just sat for the AZ bar over me (and everyone else) who was already licensed. There was probably more and that about brings us up to now. And, of course, all of this happened with my one real friend in Arizona/joint tenant with right of survivorship living away from home 3 nights/week.
Of course there were good things over the past year, too. I did get a job when I moved to AZ. The schedule of living apart half time was not nearly as bad as I feared it would be. The fall was full of hikes and exploring this new place. We bought a house. We got a new wonderful pup. I went to 4 beautiful and terribly fun weddings and got to share the fun with all kinds of people I love from all over the place. I passed two bars! I'm licensed in Arizona! We're getting new windows!
But, all in all, this past 12 months has been really, really tough. I've spent a lot of time alone and more energy than I have ever had to or should have to trying to maintain my sense of self and self-confidence through blow after blow.
However. Here we are, starting 21st grade. Charlie will live here full-time in his new job starting Monday. Maybe I'll need to get new clothes, not for school but for court. I'll spend the fall getting to know new friends and learning a new system, like the old days. I like this academic year idea because after this many years of schooling, there is something that feels new about the beginning of fall. A more natural start-over than the middle of winter, post-holiday noisemaking. I also like the idea, frankly, because it means that this year of ass-kicking is over. I don't have to wait until December, new beginnings start now. God, I hope I'm on to something because I'll tell you, if real school had been as hard for me as this past year in U of Hard Knocks, I definitely would have dropped out long ago. And then I'd have so many fewer things to hang framed on the wall of my office!

House Woes

You know how homeowners are always like, "oh! groan! owning is a house is such a pain and so expensive!" And how potential homebuyers are like "renting is such a waste of money! how bad could it be?" I am transitioning from the latter to the former, quite quickly with the below-pictured jacking up of the kitchen/bedroom area of the house to replace all the rotted wood underneath in the addition that the former owners seem to have completed themselves. "I hope you guys got a good deal on this place," says handyman Jim. Jim, I am less and less convinced of that with every $1,000 we pay you....

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

I thought about this quote a lot over the past month, fighting my hard battle. There has been a lot that has been very strange about the past month. I mean, really bizarre. The psychology of the whole thing is really beyond my armchair pop psychology abilities… in others, it’s fascinating, uplifting, disappointing to see who was there, who stepped up and who didn’t and how others reacted. There was this amazing, completely indescribable outpouring from the world. I said something like this at the press conference back in Minnesota, but without the Wailing Wall portion—I remember being at the Wailing Wall and feeling this energy… because whether or not you believe it has its own sacredness, there is so much human energy being focused toward it, it was palpable. I found the same to be true over this month, I felt like I could actually feel the energy and work and support of so many, many people. I was like the mom who lifts a Volvo off her toddler, there was this superpower that was fueled by that energy. Amazing. And lots of other words that are so overused that when something that truly incredible happens… they sound weak.
But in this extreme crisis, I was amazed at how both beautifully wonderful and completely cruel strangers can be. So much, more than I will ever know, of our success is due to friends and strangers reaching out, taking action and making this critical mass work. And I can't be more grateful. But to the woman who yelled at me to "get off the phone!" the day my dad was arrested and I was standing at the side of the gas station talking to a reporter? And the woman who was incredibly rude and put out when my dad's wife knocked over her empty glass while getting into our table at a restaurant after learning hours earlier that my dad would be released and preparing to eat our first meal of the day at 3pm after attending the UN Security Council Meeting? And to the reporter who misquoted me, causing me to called my father’s despicable lawyer daughter in the comments of the article-and every other one to come? And to whoever called me a prostitute in some other comments? And to the man who yelled at the overworked medical resident to move her car after she'd driven over an hour to see her friend who lives across the country and whose father was just released from 3 weeks in Rwandan jail? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? The vitriol was astonishing. You’re calling me and my family monsters and wishing us ill? See, I (the monster or at least spawn of the monster) would never say such cruel things about anyone. I would never delight in a family’s misery and fear and call names. Why? Because I was raised better by that monster. Even just being rude because you're having a bad day... unacceptable, you never know the effect of your unkindness on someone in the middle of their battle. On the flip side, woman at JFK, you'll never know how much it meant when you handed me your unlimited metro card, for no reason. It works both way.
There are so many more examples of the ways people were extraordinary, though, I don’t want to downplay that. I am more sure now than ever that I have amazing friends and I have met many more amazing people. Strangers, who have remained strangers, were amazing. For someone who isn’t good at asking for help, owing so much to people I’ll never meet is… humbling. Humbling is both knowing that people will help you because they know you and they care, and that people will help someone they don’t know because it is the right thing to do. The overwhelming lesson was really 1) people can be beautiful and 2) the internet is assholes.

Mean People Suck

I recently became friends with the accountant from my old job on facebook. My first job-job. Where they made me cry all the time and once told me when I hadn’t done what they’d wanted but also hadn’t been given clear, no, any instruction, that it was “amateur.” I was 23. Yes, an amateur.

I decided to take the LSAT while I was still working there, I didn’t want the added stress of being unemployed or just starting a new job. I signed up for the Fall administration of the test in 2004 and later went into one of the partner’s offices. This was the “nice” one. I told him I was taking the LSAT and I wanted to take the week before it off. He said, “Sure, you can have that time off, but if I were you, Sarah, I’d really reconsider going to law school. It’s very competitive and difficult and you’re obviously… overly sensitive.”

This remains probably the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me. I think it’s mean because, well, it’s just an asshole thing to say to someone. But it also shows the way he saw me, which is the complete opposite of how I’ve ever wanted to be perceived—weak and incompetent? Um, no. It’s also mean because, um, LAW SCHOOL IS NOT THAT HARD. I mean, it was a lot of work, but intelligence has nothing to do with it. No one knew the girl who graduated first in our class because she was not being “competitive,” she was studying at home alone and never speaking to her classmates. That’s insane, not "competitive."

The incident created lots of fodder for jokes among my friends at work, the most popular alternative career suggestions were bunny farmer and flower arranger. You know, so my feelings don’t get hurt.

Anyway, reconnecting with the accountant, she mentioned this episode and how she wanted to drop a line to that partner, tell him I graduated and am on my way to being barred in 3 jurisdictions. I told her not to bother, he has received employment verifications for each of these background checks. He knows. He knows I worked in a federal prison, he knows I was admitted to Wisconsin, he probably by now knows about Arizona. He may not know he’s a total asshole, but I do. And that he was completely, absolutely and dead wrong.

That's so Raven

Tiredness and stress, I wish you were to blame. But, alas, I am able to transition the conversation with someone capable of hiring me from my career ambitions to the penalties for offering oral sex in Louisiana all by myself.

That's awkward.

No, wait-- that's so Raven!

Especially if Raven is a super-awkward weirdo.

Haitian Beef

All of these companies that are attaching themselves to Haiti relief are really starting to irritate me. No, Hyatt, I don’t want to donate my rewards points to Haiti. I want you to donate your profits to Haiti and I will donate my points to someplace with hotels for people in stay in! Chase, although it’s our money anyway (as my astute junior cultural anthropology-major hairdresser pointed out), make the donation yourself. “HELP HAITI NOW” on the Avon catalog looks opportunistic and silly to me. And I think lends to fatigue over the whole thing. Haiti doesn't need a signature color of liptick... it needs short and long-term just aid and recovery.

It’s similar to how my work sends around requests for donations of leave. I mean, I get that we’re in a budget crisis and all… but the right thing to do is have more liberal leave policies, not unpaid FMLA time, and let the rest of us keep our vacation days. Or when the airlines want you to donate your frequent flier miles to bring kids with cancer to the hospital or Disney World or whatever. Um, why don’t you use your airlines to do that and not take credit for a program that sounds charitable but really just saves the company money. Or gives them a good name and lets them break even.

Maybe I just want to keep my Hyatt rewards and frequent flier miles and am letting my cynicism get the better of me. Or maybe I'm just mad I don't have a signature shade of lipstick (wait until 200 years after I hold my successful slave rebellion and then am decimated by an earthquake made worse by my long-term underdevelopment caused by global colonial powers, then Scarlet Sarah will be all the rage)… but this is my beef for the day.

Promises, Promises

I promised, to myself and to you, that I wouldn’t complain about bar preparations very much here. And I think I’ve pretty much stuck to that, but my first real bar-related melt-down last night is a good reason to make a rare exception. I was upset in a way that only a tremendous amount of stress and a couple glasses of Sunday night wine can make a person. I had been pretty blasé about the bar, until I started studying. Out of the hundreds of people I know who have taken bar exams (aside from kooky ones like Louisiana) only a handful haven’t passed the first time. Even counting Louisiana it’s a large handful. Arizona isn’t considered particularly easy or particularly hard-- 84% of first-time test-takers pass. The rate is significantly lower overall in February test administrations, but that’s because of the way higher number of re-takers. I went to a good law school and I am not a moron. I know all of this. Yes, I’ve never been in the bottom 16% of anything (I’d say I’ve never failed anything, but those who have been with me for long enough may remember the 12th grade post-college admittance dance class debacle. Fun fact.) I’ve never failed anything I’ve attended, how about that?
The thing is… neither have most people who don’t pass bar exams. The people I know who haven't passed... well, some of them are morons, but some of them are great people who I greatly respect. The opposite of moron!
These truths (and the appropriate and appreciated reassurances from the one I sob next to) don’t do a lot for the blind fear I am entering. Not only would I be disappointed in myself and frustrated by the approximately $5k I've sunk into this whole stupid episode… but I have become pretty profoundly unhappy in my current situation and the thought of continuing the way I am until October (instead of May or even July) is enough on its own to make me cry.
I am grateful to be employed and really, really like getting paid regularly (little as it may be…) And this situation continues to be about as good as it can be seeing as I chose to move where I am not licensed (for the Constitutionally-inclined, a friend on his upcoming move from IL to TX, “The irony of studying article IV privileges and immunities for the multi-state AGAIN because I can't change states and stay in my profession without jumping through multiple flaming hoops lit with hundred dollar bills from my wallet is not lost on me.”) Again, the difference between what I know and how I feel. I have a lot of things going really great. Charlie’s work situation is not ideal, but his work itself is great and we can bide some time until he can work within commuting distance from our house. Our house! That’s great. The dogs are awesome. Yes, there is so much good, but goddamn it, I want a career! I want to do things I am excited about and be a professional and not be the bottom rung of a situation very similar to the one I went to law school to escape. I hate when people talk about deserving things and being “entitled” to things is for jerks… but these are things I really want, have put the time and work into and have been very patient (I think) in waiting for them to happen.
The bar is three weeks from tomorrow. I am going to continue trying to conquer the extreme fear of “what if” and soldier on through. There is so much material… But, in 3 weeks, 2 days and 9 hours, I am going to drink soooo much more wine. And probably cry again. But hopefully in a good way.

Weekends

The 3-4 feet of snow haven't hit yet, but through the blinds while I listen to lectures on Wills, I can see that we're on our way. Last weekend my dad was in town, which was great and we made some improvements on the house. Like he made it a lot warmer using logic and physics (and about $30 in supplies from the hardware store.) I think I felt so overwhelmed that I forgot things I knew. I put plastic over our windows in Madison in the winter... why didn't I think of that when our house here was cold? He also bought us a new front and side door. They haven't been installed yet, but they will also improve the heat situation. And while we were waiting in line at check-out at Home Depot, we had a good laugh about the days when I would have begged for a pony or been tickled by a boombox... but now I was stoked to get some new doors. I even up-talked my way to fancier front-door hardware. "But, Daaaad, I like this one so much more...."

This nice, long weekend was sorely needed. By the end of last week, personality problems at work had a hit a head that was only exacerbated by exhaustion and frustration with bar study. Once I got out of frustrated crying mode and into long weekend mode, it was much better. This weekend has involved some progress, too. If we ever finish the project in the upstairs bathroom, I will share pictures and stories. If not, I'd rather not discuss it...

And the dogs! So much dog time. Gus went to doggy daycare (excuse me, day camp) twice last week. It was awesome and pretty much totally worth $16/day. Not only do I not have to come home over lunch to let him out of the crate, but he is there playing like a maniac all day and so is, well, dog tired all evening. This is much more conducive to studying than these two pups "playing" all night in the background.




I hadn't noticed until Charlie pointed out that Gus shies away if one of us raises something like a stick. I didn't see it until we were trying to assemble this bedframe and he'd run each time I lifted my section. It's very sad and angering. I don't know who had him last, but if I ever find the person who used to hit him with sticks... I will hit them. With sticks if he or she is lucky. And that's a promise. I mean, look at him, what kind of a person would hit this?

Only Children

When it comes to birth order, the greatest bias is against the "only child." First, please remember, that in birth order the category is actually "only/first." But I digress. I am an only child. Well, kind of. I am my father's only child. I was an only child until a week before my tenth birthday when my mom had my sister (and I was warned, even at that young age, to never call her anything but my sister, because we came from the same womb.) But again, digression. So I identify with the only child. I know, from half of my parents what it is like to be their only child and from the other what it is to be her only child for ten years. And we get a bad rap! Truth be told, I know some terrible only children. But these are only children of intact couples, coddled along through adulthood. There is another kind of only child, the kind who was treated like an adult from a young age. And was expected to operate in an adult world. This is my kind of only child. This isn't the Veruca Salt, "Mommy, I want it NOW!" child. This is the child who learned big words and big concepts early on. This kid had a lot of adult interaction and, yes, was never in the team of kids ganging up on the parents, but had to negotiate for herself. There is no better or worse in birth order... oldest of ten kids and younger of two, it is all about explanation. However, I feel a bit hot sometimes when only children are categorized and dismissed. Because some only children feel very deeply for others and some only children are only the least little like the stereoytpes. And those only children sometimes feel like they've been fighting all the same fights "we" are now fighting, but for decades. So, odds are you know some awesome only children who have been saving your spot in adulthood... we don't need a thank you, just some kinds words the next time the dreaded "only child" comes up....

[Editor's Note: And we're only the least little bit self-righteous, too....]

For the Record

Consider this. I am sure that the snowstorm in the midwest is a big deal. I'm sure it's slowing things down and ruining some xmas plans. I mean, I was virtually the last person to land at O'Hare last year before Christmas. I understand. HOWEVER, a couple of weeks ago, Flagstaff received 28 inches of snow in a day. Monday we got another 6. No big deal. You know why? Because the average snowfall in Minneapolis is 49.9 inches. In 1983–1984, Minneapolis set its own record with 98.4 inches. Flagstaff on average receives 100.3 inches of snow a year. Oh, and, "Although snow often covers the ground for weeks after major winter storms, Flagstaff's relatively low latitude and plentiful winter sunshine quickly melt much of what falls, and persistent deep snowpack is unusual. One notable exception occurred during the severe winter of 1915-1916, when successive Pacific storms buried the city under nearly seven feet (2 m) of snow, and some residents were snowbound in their homes for several days." According to Wikipedia. New York City is 28.4. Hartford is 49. Actually, you can devote some serious Christmas Eve work hours to websites like this.
My point is that the next time I relate that the power is out, work is canceled and we have two feet of snow... I hope you, dear readers, reconsider your preconceptions about Arizona and give it the respect it deserves. That situation is not, as the person who may or may not have birthed me said, "a lot for there." Nope, it's just a lot. And although the season has only just started, I am confident that my snowstorm can beat up your "snowmageddon."

Thanks-- and Merry Christmas, again.

The nerve . . .

This is my mom's story from yesterday, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did:

In early Spring, I put some old wooden window boxes out by the alley with a "FREE" sign. A woman came along while I was in the yard and took them, with my blessing. TONIGHT, at least five months later, she comes to the back door and explains that they didn't fit exactly right—a bit too wide, etc. I listen to her complaint about the fit. Put them out with the garbage, said I; I sure don't want them back.

Oh, she says, they're too big and the city garbage men won't take them, so I have them in my trunk, gesturing toward the alley – and she looks at me.

I am having a surreal moment. What would I do with them then?—I don't want them, I say. Oh, says batty lady, you could pay a private hauler I suppose.

No, said I – this is sort of like "tag, you're it." They became YOUR window boxes a long time ago.

So, I have to get rid of them," asks the woman who took them for free and now acts like I sold her a Lexus with a warranty …. I think so, said the nice lady in the yellow house.

**Other parts of the live-telling of the story include the woman looking at my mom as if to say, "I am never shopping here again!"

Unlucky #5?

Arizona is the fifth state I've lived in. Well, I guess really the 6th, but the 5th since I got my driver's license. I can't explain what AZ holds that Connecticut, New York and Wisconsin didn't, but I guess a search for permanence (and that it's technically required by my job) caused me to get an Arizona Driver's License yesterday. Obviously the DMV took forever, thats a lame and boring story. But I got the license. One thing you may not know about Arizona drivers licenses is that they are good forever. Well, almost forever. This is terrifying based on the number of old people here. But I digress. The license I got yesterday expires on May 28th, 2046.

I am not kidding. The strange thing is that that is 5 days AFTER my 65th birthday. Hmmm... weird... Wait a minute.... they have my birthday wrong. I have an incorrect license that is good for another 37 years. DAMN IT! I was supposed to never have to go to the DMV again. Instead I guess I'll go next week...

On Money

Ok, so here's the thing... we're not poor. But I am on foodstamps, things are about as tight as I remember them being. This is not a poor poor me post. But one about the things I've noticed while trying to stretch a dollar. Well, for one, today I made almost $140 selling 4 graphing calculators on ebay, as well as the bluetooth headset that came free with Charlie's cell phone. Not bad. But last week we were spending foodstamps at the Co-op and inquired about what happens when we move away. We were on some annual membership payment plan, so just wanted to make sure we cancelled it out, didn't end up owing them $7/yr for the next ten years or something. For some reason, they told us they owe us $13. When we quit, we can either cash that out or donate it to the co-op. Riding home in the car, Charlie said he could guess what I wanted to do with the $13. "Donate it...." I said. He was surprised, I don't think because he disagreed, but more because I had been listing calculators on ebay earlier that day.
Similarly, the other week I went to Planned Parenthood for my free exam and birth control, also courtesy of the state of Wisconsin. At the end of the visit, they asked me to take an envelope and make a donation to PP if I was able. So I went home, thought about how when I had insurance I paid $15/month co-pay and they had just given me 3 months worth for free... so wrote them a check for $30. Everybody wins, right?
So here's the thing. Just like this isn't supposed to be a poor me post, it also isn't supposed to be about how awesome I am. I mean, I am pretty awesome but... I went to law with a number of people who, well, at least anticipated making $160,000+ per year. There were some of these people who refused to participate in the "pledge-a-day" and donate one day's salary to fund public interest student summer stipends. There are some of these people who will not donate to anything until their student loans are paid off.
My point is that I thought this was gross when I had a student's income. Now I think it's totally sick. I mean, ethics don't (or shouldn't) change depending on how much money you have. Plus, this time has really emphasized to me what I have always believed- except for in very extreme cases, whether someone can "afford" something or not is based on priorties. I think the right thing to do is to pay what seems fair to Planned Parenthood and scrimp in that many other ways in other parts of life. I mean, JHC, we're driving to Milwaukee tonight to eat delicious pizza for dinner. Obviously we feel there are some things we can spend $30 on. I just think more than ever there needs to be a little more calling people out on what "afford" really means.

And if it really came down to it? This pizza might be worth getting pregnant for. Just kidding. Kind of.

Thanks

Today I floated down a strange river somewhere in Wisconsin with my fellow unemployeds/unstudying for the bar-ers. Iliana, Sophy and I drank Miller Chill and laughed and got muddy and sunburned. Then we ate burgers at Culvers, went home for a rest and reconvened for Pho... pretty awesome day. And tomorrow I have the settlement conference for my client. My client. You know, the person I am getting paid to advise and advocate for as an attorney? Then I head to Michigan for some beach, dad and grandma time (and coverletter writing time, naturally.)
Basically, this is all to say that I am feeling better. I am relieved because I feel like I can sink very fast, emotionally, but also that I still seem to have the coping mechanisms not to stay down there for too long. Of course, this is speaking to the audience that isn't my patient boyfriend who has to console me when I'm down, it's late... and I've had a pitcher of beer. I also have great friends and have heard some really nice things from a lot of people. Alijo reminded me that when I get a job, I'll have it all, "a career, a loving partner, an unparalleled instinct for finding a bargain, and an utterly devoted beagle." It's also nice to remember that even right now, I have three out of four. Not to mention good people who are good friends to me all over the place. And the bargain hunting? NO ONE can take that away from me.


PS. I'm back on Facebook, obvi. When you leave Facebook, they show this screent that says, "Are you sure you want to deactivate your account? Your 506 friends will no longer be able to keep in touch with you." And then shows 4 pictures of your with randomly selected friends, "Kristina will miss you," "Charlie will miss you," "Drew will miss you." Like everything facebook does, it's brilliant and creepy.

Lost? LOST!

You know what, LOST? I've been following you for a few years now. I've put up with a lot of shenanigans from you... but this season... well, I have no effing idea what is going on. And here's the thing. You're on ABC. If I don't understand something on ABC, it's not (please I have to believe) because it's over my head. No, it's because it's weird and doesn't make any sense and it like the television version of some of my law school peers who use big words incorrectly to try to trick the listener into thinking they're saying something interesting. This shit is not deep. It's confusing. And I'm going to stand by that.
It's just starting to piss me off, because LOST used to be a guilty pleasure. I could catch up with that and shows like 24 during school breaks or on a lazy weekend. This year has been in many ways less busy than the first two, so I've even been able to watch them semi-regularly on tv (or at least stay up-ish-to-date via the internet.) And now it's all weird and crazy and trying to make me feel stupid. It won't work, LOST! I see through you!


And that's today's rant about television.

Back Home, Mostly for Good

Upon return from awesome Nashville, I'm a little too generally exhausted to post about it in the way it deserves.  It was a really wonderful weekend (after my unplanned overnight in Detroit on Thursday...) with the highest concentration of my favorite people since... well... reunion in May. Or maybe Anna's wedding, but missing Alison, in August. Thinking about it, I'm extremely lucky to have these people all over the country and to have seen them all multiple times in the past year. 

Aside from the dream company, I really liked Nashville itself. It was very cool and parts were very beautiful and southern, but also seemed really down to earth. Friday night we headed to the "honky tonks" and it just really felt like this is what people in Nashville have been doing for... ever. Not all self-aware and like Nashville knows its awesome like some places I've been (actually the some-time homes of many blog-readers- NYC, Austin, San Francisco and Madison come to mind...)

While in Nashville, I was rejected by the last job I was kind of holding out hope for- in Colorado. So I've been feeling particularly afloat over the past couple of days, it's been harder even to get back into it when there is this low-level panic about what will happen after graduation. It seems like I won't take a bar (since I'll be barred in WI no matter what...) so what the heck will I do until the Madison is over in August? Or... gasp... after that?

One bright spot is that tonight I bit the bullet and looked up my total student loan amount. This may seem like an odd thing to be pleased about, and maybe odder to blog about, but the total comes in at just under $100,000. I thought it would be more. And I am weirdly proud of myself for getting three years of law school for under $70,000.  Thanks to Karen, I was also able to calculate that if I make $40k, my income-based payments will be about $300/month. Which is less than I was paying on just my undergrad loans before law school... so in some sense, we could think of law school as free, right? At least that's the kind of logic that got me the iphone...

Lesson? Bayer Don't Care if I'm Indignant

Thank you for taking the time to contact Bayer HealthCare. We appreciate your comments about our recent advertising for One-A-Day Teen Advantage for Him Multivitamin/Mineral Supplement.

We regret that you found this piece of advertising distasteful. Please be assured that we do not want to offend our valued customers.

This ad was designed to focus on the product’s attribute of efficacy in a way that is memorable. All ads are tested prior to air and this particular one scored positively.

Thank you for letting us know your views. If I may be of further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,

Consumer Advisor

Nothing Like a Little Righteous Indignation on a Sunday Morning

Dear One A Day:

I was shocked to see the One A Day Teen commercial recently and again surprised to see the same sexist junk on your website. Advertising Teen Advantage vitamins that give her clear skin and him strong muscles is a continuation of the silly, sexist and divisive rhetoric we've been seeing for years- girls' main concern should be being pretty and boys' being strong. Vitamins are ostensibly a health aid and the way One a Day has chosen to market Teen Advantage makes it clear that you are far less concerned with healthy teens than furthering gender stereotypes. I am not sure whether the 1960 ad agency from Mad Men came up with this campaign, but I am writing to tell you that here in 2009 this kind of sexist stereotyping ensures I will never buy your product.

Sarah