Welcome Back

A solid first day. Gorilla Coffee and Bageltique. Interminable line at the post office. Long walk ended with an afternoon whiskey and tea at a friend's apartment. Dinner at the Oyster Bar, A Prairie Home Companion at Town Hall. Walk through Times Square and down to to Chelsea. Strange and probably illegal party in the soon-to-be-demolished office building of a friend of a friend. Of a friend?
A solid second day. Long sleep. Brunch in Prospect Heights, the Brooklyn Museum, a walk through Prospect Park. Delicious treat at the Cocoa Bar. Soon dinner and bars in the slope.
I am pleased and nostalgic but generally balanced. I am staying in my old room and tomorrow we are having a party. How fun is that?

DTW

Blogging to you from outside the NWA World Club at Detroit Airport... mostly, just because I can and I am kind of pleased with the cleverness of stealing internet here.
So far this travel as been notable for a few things:
1. There were 3 people, not traveling together, with Downs Syndrome on the flight from Madison to Detroit. I found this curious.
2. The flight from Madison to Detroit is also curiously short at 42 minutes. Lake Michigan foils us again.
3. Another good thing about Madison is the 15 min and $10 it takes to get to the airport by taxi. Also, because Madison has shared taxis (not just for the developing world, anymore...) I was also treated to a conversation between the driver and another passenger, both pretty thugged out which was basically "cold enough for you?" Except using different words. I found it funny that all small talk is the same, no matter who is doing the talking.
4. Having finally figured out how to rip movies onto my ipod, I watched the first 20 minutes of Ferris Bueller on the flight. Unnecessary not only because I also had my computer with me, so I could have just watched it on there. But also because at this point, I pretty much have the movie memorized, so I could have just played it in my head and not had to turn it off once we started our descent.
5. I was also thinking about phases I go through in air travel. Like whether I'm in a tomato juice, diet coke or cranberry juice mood on the flight. Whether I do the crossword puzzle, whether to read, listen to music or, now, watch a movie. I always read the inflight magazine, though. And less Skymall than I used to. Or how I went for about a year really enjoying sit-down meals by myself at mediocre airport family dining-- highlights have been Harry Carey's at O'Hare where I got quite drunk by accident, a really good $15 hamburger in a restaurant at Bradley Airport (the name I can't remember) and too many Chili's Toos to name. Now I am more into exploring the airport, walking down each concourse and trying to find the secret things about that particular one. Like the free internet here, for example.

Home Alone, or, Props to Zoe.

I'm Home Alone. Which is kind of funny, since I live alone and am therefore always home alone unless I am lucky enough to have guests. This time is a little different, though, because I have no obligations and the town has emptied out. My actions might not be any different, but my state of mind certainly is...

And now onto Props to Zoe. My now-15-yr-old-sister and I had argument about a year and a half ago about which is better, Dirty Dancing or Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. Since she hadn't seen the original (starring Jennifer Grey-- also coincidentally the name of the flight attendant who abandoned me at ten yrs old in O'Hare. And also, hopefully, the name of an unemployed flight attendant...) and I hadn't seen Havana Nights, the argument was limited to "is not" "is so" "is not." But now, now my friends, I have seen Havana Nights. And while I would not say it is "better" than the original... it's pretty good. Diego Luna is dreamy. The soundtrack includes the extent of my knowledge of Cuban hip hop, and before-the-remix of "Hips Don't Lie." Proving, once again, that Wyclef needs Shakira. And vice versa.
I also appreciated the more-or-less historically accurate representation of the Revolution.
Basically, the movie FINALLY combines "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" with "Hasta la Victoria Siempre." And I couldn't be happier.




p.s. I NEVER REALIZED THAT BRADLEY WHITFORD WAS IN ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING UNTIL I STARTED WATCHING IT RIGHT NOW AND OH MY GOD. Or that Thor is Vincent D'Onofrio in a terrible blond wig? My world has been rocked. Rewatching the movie also explains why I am still so scared of those underground parking things in downtown Chicago.

This Christmas...

I didn't get a fimo model of my "brother" the small white dog. Although I did get a waffle maker, which for some reason I find almost as strange. I will hopefully be able to upgrade to some small appliance involved in cooking savory breakfasts... an egg poacher, perhaps?

New York

I am so excited to go to New York, its palpable. I miss my life there rather profoundly. At times every thing seems to disparate, my life in college feels so distant from the first 18 yrs which feel so distant from my life in New York which in turn is so distant from what I am doing now. Its a weird feeling to be generally satisfied with life but still yearn for something that may never have existed. Everything would be so much easier if I were miserable, but I'm not. I like it here and I have stumbled through. Its funny, because there are a number of people in my class who consider themselves "from New York." From my personal bag of tricks I like to pull out that a) I lived in New York for at least as long as many of them. And then when they talk about wanting to go back, they talk about bottle service at clubs and a kind of New York I was never involved in. What I miss is the largest concentration of my favorite people. And maybe at this point its kind of like being nostalgic for study abroad- its not the place, its the people and the experiences with the people. But still.
To add an extra degree of weirdness, in terms of this nostalgia... I met a guy tonight who is my friend from camp's friend from high school in Madison's love interest. He graduated from Wesleyan in 1994 and then UW Law. His RA from Butt B also went to UW. He was nothing like me. I honestly didn't believe he went to Wesleyan until he said "Butterfield B." Maybe I am an ass, this is a constant worry.

Anyway, Merry Xmas and Happy Chanukah ( I don't really know when it began, I've been a little out of the loop.)

PS. I sang a lot of karaoke tonight, got rave reviews for "Drops of Jupiter" which is only appropriate since I've listened to it a lot recently. Also, there was a friend of a friend there who has looked at me on Friendster. And I have looked at him. Once again proving that although I like Madison... it's very small...

Still tired, still not mad.

Although I am 1/6th of a lawyer now. Yikes. And thank goodness.

Something funny happened this morning before the test, someone asked if I was drunk... which was just funny because of the rumor my high school spanish teacher/slacker started the year after we graduated, telling the class under us K and I were drunk for our IB exam. "You could smell the whiskey on their breath." I kind of like rumors that make me sound more badass than I am. So far I've been "drunk" for IB Higher Level Spanish and Contracts I... I am so much cooler in reputation than in real life.

Promptly after the test, I did get drunk. And once the novelty of being drunk in early afternoon wore off, I came home and slept for 3 hours. And now I am up, and ready for round two and karaoke. But not before some of the last Trader Joe's pizza.... because, you know, I am still on a diet.

Speaking of Cheese Curds...

This is a major problem.

A friend made the point that this part is particularly gauche:

Commercials promoting the state’s cheese industry aired across the country, including in Wisconsin, featuring cows in green California pastures and the slogan, “Great cheese comes from happy cows. Happy cows come from California.”

Because we're not running ads in California about how happy movie stars come from Wisconsin...

Diet Tips

As a public service, I'm going to let you in on what I've learned over the past couple of weeks.

If you buy a pair of jeans that don't quite fit, try this 9-step diet:

1. Enroll in law school.
2. Workout 6 times during the semester, hopefully in spurts. Like, two days in a row, then not again for 6 weeks, then another two times. Eventually, just give up.
3. Wait until classes end.
4. Eat half as many meals as you normally would, mostly due to consistent nausea, but ensure that at least half of those are Trader Joe's frozen pizza. BBQ Chicken or Spinach, preferably.
   
5. Drink at least 2 soy lattes and 4-5 diet cokes per day and generally 1-2 glasses of wine per night to counteract the caffeine.
   
6. Sleep alternately very little and a lot.
7. Avoid fresh vegetables.
8. Do not avoid fried cheese curds, in fact, try to eat them every time you eat out. If you're in Wisconsin, this should be easy. If you're not, Mozzarella sticks are an acceptable substitute.
9. Spend all of your time either sitting or laying down. When you must, choose baths over showers to avoid any unnecessary standing.

If you follow this carefully-- your jeans should now fit well. Congratulations! Its a little expensive and counterintuitive... but nobody said looking good was cheap or easy, my friends.

Note: Although the jeans may fit, you will feel like shit, your skin will become sallow and you may develop dark circles under your eyes... just a warning.

But what if...

They took 3/24th of your pie... would you be mad then?

Only a little, mostly just tired.

Just because

Every so often, I like to actually read the news.... I also like to pass it on to you.

So Laura Bush is not only married a man after knowing him for 3 months (kicking yourself yet, Lo?) But also has cancer.

I appreciate the parallel drawn between LoBu's cancer and Dick's hunting incident.

FEMA is bringing back AID!!!... and this is also of personal interest. So glad they're putting the rationale in "easily understandable" letters. Maybe they should just quote Kanye. Speaking of New Orleans...

Then there's the whale vomit.

Enough Already

So the consensus seems to be that two and half weeks and four finals is basically a slow death. Enough already, let me out! There is nothing interesting to say at all... um, I made some turkey chili, it's good. I just superficially cleaned my apartment due to a possible parental stop-by on Thursday. Not like I am trying to be anything I am not, but you never want parents worried you'll be found some day, dead in your own filth... you have to worry about that for yourself.

Oh yeah...

24, Season 5. Awesome as ever. I'll concede that some of the plotlines are getting repetitive, but gall darn, that Jack Bauer is one hell of an American and its as compelling as ever.

A few points:

I like that the same actors have been on so many of my favorite tv shows. Making the jump between LOST and 24, we have Desmond/Theo. Then, completing the ultimate circuit between LOST, 24, West Wing and the OC... Caleb Nichol/Charles/Jim/Mitch. Wow. A truly enviable career in network television, do Emmys have lifetime achievement awards and how do I nominate Alan Dale?

I love Jack Bauer.

Much as I cannot watch Law & Order now that I live alone on the first floor, because I get scared of rapists and murderers... when I get really into 24 I become a little paranoid about terrorism, espionage and getting grabbed by the neck until I pass out.

And, again, I love Jack Bauer.

The other implicit benefit in watching 24 on dvd... no matter how long you're watching, you always feel like you're beating the clock. An hour in 42 minutes? That's the kind of bargain I love,

And one more time, I love Jack Bauer.

Halfway?

Which is why its ok that my civ pro final paper is either really good or really bad and I'm too far gone to know the difference? Right? Yes. The big news today nerdy, but I'll share anyway. I appear to not still have a cholesterol situation, and I got my #1 choice kick-ass schedule for next semester. Both good things...

When Masturbation's Lost Its Fun

Well... let's not go that far.

But in a lot of ways this period is like depression, but other people are going through the same thing and there aren't any drugs for it.
I keep having to force myself to do "relaxing" activities. Like drinking wine and watching 24. Uh, this used to be my FAVORITE activity-- whats wrong with me? Anyway, since finals started I have taken a bath every day (so this is good for my hygiene since we all know I am not normally a daily bather... or showerer, for that matter.) I don't know exactly what it is, I told a certain former roommate/current denizen of Los Angeles that in some ways I feel like I've never worked this hard and never been so unsure of the result.... I mean, let's be honest, self-discipline is not my strongest suit. One of my interests on myspace is "skating-by." But all of the sudden I feel scared and nauseous all of the time (although perhaps there are a number of reasons for that) and like I should always be doing something I'm not and will never have time to do everything I am supposed to. I am abstractly afraid of failure and in constant doubt of my intelligence and grasp of both the material and anything at all. So in some ways it is like depression, except its not something entirely within my head, its actually mostly in the external world. So thats kind of weird and different.
My newer theory of law school is that the whole point is to take a bunch of really smart people, work them to death and make them doubt themselves and their abilities for as long as possible. And then release them on the world and make jokes about how they are all assholes. It's like some sick social psych experiment.

Anyway, just a week to go until 1/6 of the pie will be gone. And then I'll be PISSED.

Also, to come, a full review of Season 5 of 24. Because I have pushed on and now only have 5 episodes left. For now, I will say, I still hate Kim.

Sarah Leisure

Just because I've been spending so much time in coffeeshops in the middle of the day recently, I've gotten really curious-- who are these people and why don't they have jobs to be at? I remember walking around New York over my lunch break and being confused by the number of people who seemed to spend their days eating leisurely lunches and shopping. And here, a number of them are students of various kinds, but a lot of them are just people who are enjoying each others company over a latte. The real point of this is not that I think they should be at work just because (Protestant Work Ethnic? Um, I got skipped on that one.) but more that I want a job like that...

1/24th

I guess now I am 1/4 of 1/6 of my way to being a lawyer... 1/24th? If you had a pie, and someone took 1/24th of it, wouldn't you be mad?

Um, no, not really.

Irrarazaval con Pedro de Valdivia

That's how I used to get home in the shared taxi... like that isn't a mouthful.

There is actually a lot to say about Pinochet's death. I mean, I've spent a lot of time and energy and brainpower reading and talking about him in the past 5+ years. But, there was this picture on bbc news, which completely encapsulates Chile.


It's a little hard to explain to other people, but the Chilean contingent seems to be in agreement that this is basically the country in a photo. There's the Che flag. There's the cuico blonde dude, there are the other Chileans... with the terrible 80s haircuts, and there's the military police guy in the foreground. There's the drinking and smoking, naturally.

I've been feeling really nostalgic lately. For New York. For college. For Chile. For how fucking funny we were in high school even though we were weird assholes and its surprising anyone even talked to us...

But my relationship to Chile is different, for obvious reasons. I think wherever you have your first/most significant international experience, you have a lot of affection for. I can't believe it was five years ago. I can't believe I lived with that family for 5 months. I can't believe my lifestyle, I can't believe I passed those classes. I can't believe how much I learned, the people I met (many of my still favorite people in the world.) Some things are so clear and I think about all of the time, other things feel like things that happened to other people. I have such a strong affection for a place I don't "like" and I may never go again.

When I think about that time, I think about Felipe-the-law-student telling me he had glaucoma and that's why he was high. I think about sweating waiting for the bus and trying to sneak on as a "student"to save 40 cents. I think about Bar Central and Plaza Nunoa and having my first real conversation about feelings and politics in Spanish. I think about Rodeo Pizza and the creaky gate that let me into the house. I think about ringing in my 21st in Argentina, about being too sick to leave my bed in the highest city in the world in Bolivia. I think about watching Spiderman four times and the Chileans laughing at Thanksgiving each time.

I think the most significant thing was this new awareness that I could go anywhere in the world and... be... ok. It's very liberating, but also a little isolating. People ask me relatively often if I'd like to work abroad, which I would in theory for awhile, but I think I've reached a point where I don't feel like I SHOULD do something just because I can-- living in another country alone would make me sad, why would I want to be sad? And I like it here. Because you can't walk away from something with so much unrealized potential. The US is like a family member in that way.

I realized this summer that I am not a forever traveler. I mean, I love going places and hope to always... but being gone for two months, I was ready to come home. I could have stayed in Africa, I could have made a life there-- and Chile taught me this-- but I don't have to just because I can.

None of this even has anything to do with Pinochet, really, except that you can't separate him from my time in Chile in my head and again, I am feeling very nostalgic lately.

Pinochet

Just wanted to note that he is dead. There goes the relevance of my graduate study...

Torts this Semester: Severely Lacking In Hobo Examples

Ex: D's train fails to stop at the station and the conductor negligently tells P to walk home. To get home, P must walk back through a "hobo encampment." The criminal rape of P by a hobo is foreseeable, and D would be civilly liable for the rape.

Um, class was severely lacking instruction in liability to and for hobos. Also, I am pretty sure this example is offensive and we're not calling a hobo a hobo anymore. Next up: Torts and orientals.

Please Learn from My Mistakes, It's What I'm Here For

No matter how bored/dissatisfied/overwhelmed whatever you are in your life... it is not a good idea to dye your hair yourself 3 times in 6 weeks. It is a bad idea. It's the kind of thing magazines and moms probably told you, but if you're like me, you think your strong, healthy hair and the shelter of youth with protect you. Not so. You will start with soft and lustrous hair. And, if you're like me, end up with dull and crunchy hair that looks exactly like it did before the whole process started. Except for the dull and crunchy part, obviously.

I have learned some things about home dyeing-- a) that shit stains and b) unclear whether you get what you pay for. This last round was a $3.99 variety which smelled exactly like Downy, but left me with the closest match to the box. Then again, it also left me with dull, crunchy hair.

Additionally, no matter how tempting it is... do not try to "fix" the situation by cutting your own hair.

Larger than Life

So the potassium supplements to stop the weird heart beat are actually as large as the grand canyon.

Sorry, I know that was kind of a stretch. There aren't a lot of funny anecdotes from life lately. Mostly because I haven't had a lot of interpersonal interaction... but so it goes, I guess.

Although it might be uncool to admit it, I am kind of liking this time. I mean, I wish it didn't culminate in finals... but I like not having other obligations and being able to design my day myself. Maybe there's also the fact that I may be coming to this from a different place from other people. I mean, I would like to do well. I won't lie. And maybe for the first time in my life, I would like to get good grades. On the other hand, everything is a trade-off. I am not willing to kill myself and I don't believe that killing myself will even improve things in the long-term. Additionally, maybe after a 17.5 years of formal education and not caring about grades and 25.5 years of living ungraded, these ones I know do not determine my worth or intelligence. Or abilities. Or what I will do. In the sense that a higher GPA means more options, I'd like one... but in the sense that I have different goals and orientations that a lot of people who are stressed about grades... in some ways I'd rather let them have the A if its going to make or break them. I've seen the big firm. It sucks and isn't a lifestyle I am interested in. So... take the grade and learn that for yourself, folks.
I think I also feel ok about it all, because things have worked out pretty well for me thus far. I am very lucky and the way I've gone about things so far hasn't steered me so wrong. There is quote from some book I never finished, about how in retrospect, the path of our lives seems guided by a divine hand. And its true, being a generally fortunate person, it's easy to look back and see that every choice was inevitable to lead you to right where you are... right where things are generally ok. Even during finals.
The other element, I think is that studying for finals has helped me see how much I have learned. From the beginning, I knew this was a process that deconstructs you and rebuilds you differently, to think differently about a truly huge body of knowledge. And while, obviously, that process isn't over, its a little fun/exciting to see the effects of it. How things relate to one another and can be analyzed.
I mean, maybe its the surge of potassium in my bloodstream talking, but I am just fine.

Add this to "interests"...

Fetus in fetu has taken over. And personally, I can't get enough of it. Just think of all the cases of Fetus in Fetu we don't even know about. Like Chimeras. Jesus christ.

Huh.

1. Library: Yesterday. 12:45 pm. I have been there since 10 am. Friends left an hour earlier, came back ten minutes earlier. As we're whispering, a girl at the next table says, "You have been talking the entire time I have been here. Please stop." I mean, I know people get angry when you point out their rude behavior (which is why I never want to... because I know it makes me resent the person and for whatever lame reason, I don't want the rude person to resent me?) BUT. This girl was totally off base-- it was patently untrue. Besides, as the signs at Olin would remind us, "THIS IS NOT A SILENT STUDY SPACE."

2. On the bus coming home: Yesterday. 3:47pm. The bus is crowded and bunch of more people are trying to get on. There is a small amount of space I'd have to step up to occupy, this girl says, "Um, you need to step up." So I step up, the person in front moves a little more in, and I say, "Oh, do I NEED to stand here now?" She gives me some lame blabber about how her coworkers are getting in a few stops and it would suck it they couldn't get on the bus. UM.... a) "you need" is how you talk to children. I know, because this is how I would talk to kids the preschool-- "you need to sit down for snack now." b) screw your "coworkers," there are a lot of people who are actually here who may not be able to get on the bus. c) COWORKERS? Listen, you little jerk, I'll tell you about jobs and coworkers and your lame-ass after school volunteer job does not count. d) Don't tell me how to ride the goddamned bus. I know how to ride the bus.

So Minnesota-nice may stand, but Wisconsin-nice is bullshit. And, despite my aversion to confrontation, apparently there is enough New York left in me to allow me to get really, really angry about things like this. Can't these people see I am a 1L on the verge of a nervous breakdown? I should have crushed their skulls with my Torts book. For the law students among us, we can now all have a nerdy little laugh at the irony of that. For the non-law students, I can explain it later. Once I figure out what a "tort" is.

I also saw Borat last night, which was really funny. Not sure how the jewjokes played to the drunkish outstate Wisconsin undergrad crowd (Madison actually does have a respectably-sized Jewish population, considering.) But I liked it. I was also reminded of how law school ruins everything because running through my mind the whole time were the contract suits brought by the frat boys and the town... but, whatevs.

Madison crime update, after watching the local news this evening.

A woman has been going door-to-door at night and asking people to use their bathroom. When she emerges from the bathroom, she has a knife and steals their stuff. So apparently the Madison police do have something else to do, but more importantly-- DON'T LET STRANGE WOMEN USE YOUR BATHROOM. In the words of amazingly aptly-named Police Chief, Noble Wray, there are plenty of public places in town for people to use the bathroom, they don't have to use yours.

... isn't this kind of refreshing? A real old-fashioned-type robber?

Two things I've learned recently:

One from studying/finally reading Crim, one from TV.

1. One of the 19 yr olds I drove back to Madison from Minneapolis was right! His $350 ticket for underage intoxication is not a crime! Because it carries no jail time, only a fine. I still feel better that Madison Police have nothing better to do than ticket drunk kids waiting for the bus.

2. TNT is DANGEROUS, man! Between Dr. Arzt's unfortunate liquification on LOST and Elliot's untimely head wound this evening on SVU... jeez, louise. I am staying away from that stuff.

Not sure...

Why this strikes me as so funny... but it does.

It's amazing!

What an able mind will find to do in lieu of homework/studying. There's always sleeping... but I personally spent 20 minutes scrolling through the "The Way I see it..." quotes on Starbucks.com. I was a little inspired, although I recognize the whole thing seems to be an ad for XM radio.

This was a pretty good weekend in retrospect and more balanced than most for awhile. I had some fun, got a solid amount of work done and got a lot of sleep. Which didn't matter after last night because that stupid little bitch from upstairs woke me up again.

This brings me to a combined open letter to people I see everyday and the little bitch who lives upstairs.

Dear Friends, Acquaintances and the Little Bitch who Lives Upstairs,
I'm glad some of you have found the blog. Please understand I wasn't keeping it a secret on purpose, rather it seemed just too much to tell people about a blog I keep that is really only about me. In Erin's words, "I love the blog, but if I didn't already know you, I'd hate it." So maybe I wanted you to already know me before subjecting you to my dream analysis and huffy feelings.
I also didn't talk about it for fear I don't really have enough to talk about and I'd be in "um, yeah, you said that on your blog" territory which is only one step above "um, yeah, you told me that story already" in terms of places I don't want to be.
In any case, welcome, I'll try to keep a good mix between completely self-indulgent and things people might want to read about. I would also remind you, there is no obligation to keep reading if it gets boring. Really, no hard feelings.

Thanks, though.

Sarah

PS. Listen you stupid little bitch... you know I sleep on the other side of that window, I've told you. You are so stupid and I hate you and I am beyond wishing you would move out and into wishing you death and bodily harm. You have a stupid accent, you are dumb dumb dumb and I hate hate hate you. Stop it. You are going to force me out of this apartment, which I otherwise really like due to reaching toxicity of hatred for you. This afternoon I closed the storm window on my finger, the nail is probably going to fall off. I blame you. I also blame you for my constant state of nausea, my inability to dye my hair to match its natural color, the fact that I had to cancel my Sunday-only NY Times subscription because I don't read it and that Whole Foods Madison once again not carrying the chicken taquitos. In short, you are the reason for everything bad I can think of right now. If I should start to repeat stories, from real life or the blog and be called on it-- that would be your fault, too. I hate. Hate. Hate. You.

Once again

Once its in the NY Times, its old news.

"Maybe I should have read Crim..."

Self-portrait. 11:30 pm, Saturday night.

At least someone's looking out for me...

Maybe only my subconscious. The other night I had a very realistic dream that I was really pregnant, weirdest maybe in its authenticity because I could feel the weight of the baby. I was also freaked out because I had just realized I was pregnant, there was nothing to do about it. An online dream dictionary says,

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

But unless I'm keeping this aspect, new idea, direction, project or goal from myself... I have no idea what it is. I don't really feeling in some kind of invigorating state of re-birth... I think its coupled more with an anxiety dream I had over Thanksgiving, that I got my class schedule for next semester and all of my classes started after 5:30pm. It wasn't so much the schedule, but the awareness that this would be the final straw of a slip into depression-- I'd never see anyone, I'd never be able to socialize and, knowing myself, I'd wake up at 2pm everyday. Basically, it would be like first semester sophomore year all over again.
So I think these are all ways my subconscious has come up with that could really screw things up. Maybe tonight it'll be dreams about prescription pill addictions and stealing cars. I think she's worried about me. Wait, I think she's listening right now...

In other news, finals start a week from Tuesday, I finally got some meds from health services, and also managed to freak out a very nice doctor not only by being honest about my lifestyle ("Do you exercise?" "Um... no." "How do you eat?" "Pretty poorly...") but by the return of the irregular heartbeat. Which isn't really a problem, but did concern the very nice doctor and we are checking it out, again. If it isn't one thing...

Deja Vu

Not the downtown Minneapolis strip club. And not the new blockbuster. But the feeling.

I've been thinking about college a lot. And been bummed a lot. Which has emphasized another difference between Wesleyan and Wisconsin. While the law school is stiflingly small and everyone seems to know everyone else's business... on a rainy today like today, you can walk around campus totally anonymous. Maybe even more so than in New York, where there is always a risk you'll run into a WesAlum... I only know law students and you don't really see them outside of the law building or certain specific other places. By venturing toward the center of campus, I can virtually guarantee I won't see anyone I know. Which is at some level a nice feeling, although it doesn't sound like. Surrounded by this social hothouse, its nice to be unknown. On the other hand, the other feeling of deja-vu that has returned is that feeling of regrettably given up a whole life of people who prioritized me to some degree or another to one where my feelings and well-being don't seem to make anyone's list. No, this is extreme and harsh, but this whole thing is a very isolating experience in its own and based on my own poor choices, I keep getting dragged into bullshit that I end up spending a lot of time and energy getting out of.
Maybe I was just exceptionally lucky in my former life/lives, to have met and held onto such extraordinary people. When I was little, my friends used to hurt me so profoundly and crying to my mom, she'd tell me that I just had very high and mature expectations for my friends and I had to wait until my peers grew into them. In another retro-move, I seem to once again be waiting for my peers to mature into the kind of people I need around me. In the mean time... torts? outlines? two buck chuck? All of the above?

Much worse before its much better...

Thats what I realized when I got back to Madison at about 5pm this evening... the whole mood has shifted and people have settled in like the freaking apocalypse is coming. This is bad for me, in terms of interacting with other people, because if this continues, I'm basically not going to be able to. I can't deal with these kinds of conversations... here it comes, there's nothing we can do about it, except do the best we can... so let's not talk about and particularly, let's not exaggerate it.
But I think it's all particularly bitter, because not only was this the end of vacation (inherently boring) but it was the end of a particularly fun one. And little fun is on the horizon for a bit. But, dear readers, you know me and you know I really can't go very long with NO fun. So I think it'll be ok.

That's the word. Word.

Does anyone know if this is true?

After being trained as a medic in the army, your final test is for the army to SHOOT A GOAT and if you can keep it alive for 3 days... you're in.

Giving Thanks...

I'm thankful for all my friends and family, my good health (aside from the persistent cold...) yadda yadda yadda....

What I'm really thankful for is that I got all of my shit in on Wednesday, I feel just fine about it and I'd venture to say I've been under the influence for more minutes since then than I've been sober. Let's take it from square one...

Wednesday was an epic day of drinking and Wilco and giggling... which was fantastic. The Barrymore is a fantastic venue, our tickets were not fake, as we may have feared and Jeff Tweedy looked fantastic. The show was so fun. Then there was more drinking...

I left Madison after breakfast yesterday, arriving in Minneapolis about 3:30 for... Thanksgiving dinner. Although a little frazzled and very tired, the dinner was, also, fantastic. And then I left Thanksgiving and did some drinking with Kristina. Also fantastic.

Today involved hottub/steam room, my sister getting her nose swabbed for whooping cough**, Target, espresso vodka, bloody marys, wine, teen girl squad, more bloody marys, friends, gossip and laughing. Which all begs the question... so I haven't been to Minneapolis for Thanksgiving in years... WHY?!?

Now I am going to have some turkey and a biscuit and go to sleep. Because tomorrow real life starts again and I will be doing homework.

** Does this explain why I've had a cough forever? Is it the logical extension past strep and pink eye? Good lord...

Unemployment: Something Bad

This week has been really tough, but I'm right now about 20 minutes and one last look-over from having my immediate and slightly more distant future out of my hands. Which is nice, because every knows I'd rather be reactive than proactive (resolution again for 2007? Maybe.) And then I will take a nap. And then this evening I'll see Wilco here in Madison. And then tomorrow I'll go home and eat turkey. And sleep a lot on an air mattress.
I was leaving the house in a hurry this morning and trying to get my act together to submit all of these things at school. Basically, I needed a paperclip and spent about ten minutes looking for one. In my old life, I always had a paperclip, they were in my pockets like loose change. But now... no paperclips. Are paperclips things that people buy? They seem like they were made to be taken from work. But anyway, I spend all this time looking for them all the while knowing that there is a very good chance there is no paperclip in my whole apartment. So I'm looking in jewelery boxes, drawers, folders hoping I can lift one off something else... and eventually I found one.

After Thanksgiving I might start blogging about my search for wite-out, which I can promise will be just as thrilling as this little anecdote.

WTF, seriously...

Maybe its the universe telling me I should have stayed a preschool teacher... but I woke up this morning with pinkeye. Yes. Pinkeye. There's not a lot more to say about that, except I'll be going back to UHS tomorrow morning. Shiiiit.

In other news, I saw Babel last night. I liked it, although it wasn't great. I like Brad Pitt looking haggard, he does it well. Almost as well as George. Gael was a little disappointing, if only because his part wasn't very big. And if there's one thing you can count on is if Gael is in a movie, is there will be some good sex scenes. But not in this one. Unless you count a nude deaf-mute Japanese girl... which I do not. And could be the subject of a whole other post.

Friday I watched another Gael movie, Dot the I. Which did have some good sex scenes. And therefore, I recommend it.

Disservice to your health...

So, in the latest chapter of, "If it is this bad for me, imagine if I weren't upper-middle class, educated and white":

I went to health services on Wednesday because I'd had a sore throat for 4 days. She did a strep test, although she didn't think it was strep and then told me that something that really helps sore throats is... wait for it... Tea with honey.

Um, thanks. This is why I have health insurance? Not only am I sick and you can't help me, but you think I am a total moron? Insult to injury. Literally.

So I don't have strep, I still have a sore throat and thats that.

Law School Prom

a.k.a. Malpractice Bash... was last Friday. And it was pretty fun. Despite the sleet, couple inches of snow, the fact that my feet are still slightly numb and a shitty DJ. I think Jack Daniels might have a lot to do with it. Improvements over real prom were free beer and not exchanging an awkward kiss in the limo with a prom date formerly known as the founder of Wendy's. And no one split their knee open on the window sill after an ill-fated "wake n' bake." Oh, high school... ok, back to law school... this is from the before the dance, after the chinese food. And the jack. This is from one of my favorite series of photos ever, where we are impersonating a raptor surprised by larger-than-expected breasts... of course.

In even less exciting news, I am sick again. Which now just seems to be a cycle, with 100% healthy some kind of distant fantasy... Things are hot and heavy between everyone and their workload and Thanksgiving break can't come soon enough. If only because it means a chance to get a bunch of work done. I was severely annoyed with this new life yesterday when I figured out having a Thanksgiving for friends just wouldn't be possible with everyone's workload. It pisses me off when school/life interferes in what I want to do. But so it goes, I guess.

Blonde v. Brown, Big v. Small

So I've recently noticed another geographical difference. The boobs are much bigger here. Maybe the cheese?
Just as when I moved from Minnesota to Connecticut, my hair went from being considered brown to being considered blonde... at some point in college it was decided that I had big boobs. Or largeish, at least. Truthfully, I thought something had changed in me, maybe they'd actually gotten bigger? But no. I am back in the midwest and back to not having big boobs again. Oh well.

Worst Fears Realized?

So leading up to the election (since because now it won't come off...) I've had a bumper sticker on my car that says, "Death Penalty: Wrong For Wisconsin." And I've thought it probably looks a little funny, a Minnesota car going around saying what's right and wrong for Wisconsin... but yesterday I was stopped at light. And in the car behind me was what looked like a 13 yr old girl and her dad. In the rearview mirror, I could clearly see her pointing at the bumper sticker and saying, "But, look, it's from Minnesota." Doh. Called out, yet again, by a teen.

Freaks, Geeks & Undeclared

So Jason Segal, who played Lindsey's non-boyfriend on F & G and was also on Undeclared (and is now apparently on "how I met your mother" which ironically is the only one that hasn't been canceled... anyway... he is on Carson Daly right now and I am moderately sure we're made for each other. How would I go about letting him know?

Also, I am awake at 1am watching fucking Carson Daly for NO reason.

TJ II

My slow slip into alcoholism is not helped by the fact that with the new TJ's in town... a bottle of wine costs less than a latte.

The Day After

There's a lot to be happy about today. Not crying after an election is a welcomed change of pace, I hardly know what to do with myself. Unfortunately, the state of Wisconsin wasn't able to stay away from hate and death-mongering (So we banned Civil Unions and brought back the Death Penalty after 150 years....? Awesome.) The same assfaced Tim Pawlenty is still governor of Minnesota. But so much good happened. The House. The HOUSE. The Senate? The SENATE.
There's this. And this. And this. And I don't feel alienated from my country.

And then there's just my delight in this. Who divorces via text message? How far she's fallen since Crossroads.

Because I am American and because I am free.

I just got home from voting. I registered at the polling place by showing my electric bill and saying I am who I say I am. I voted against a civil unions ban, against reinstating the death penalty, for reducing the cost of healthcare and providing universal healthcare and for a bond for Madison schools. On my ballot, you could fill something in to just vote down the party line, but I didn't. So that I could vote green for State Treasurer and Coroner (apparently an elected position here?)

I love the midwest. There's something so tangible about the struggle here. There are these long-standing concepts of rightness that were born on the farm and have burrowed themselves into the minds of people-- on the farm, in the coffeeshop, in the grocery store...
I think the other source of my fuzzy feeling about Wisconsin is that I've allowed myself to feel cautiously optimistic. Not the kind of full-blown hopeful that will lead to me spending the night sobbing uncontrollably listening to NPR a la 2004... but like some good things could happen.
I also made two good points in school today, which may have also contributed to my sense of freedom. One involved how the legal system is the institutionalization of what we as a society have deemed right and wrong, one big exercise dictating the arc the moral universe. Ensuring that as MLKJ said, it does indeed bend towards justice.**

And you don't get a lot more free than that.


**Note: I did not, actually, quote Martin Luther King Jr. in Civil Procedure this morning. This is an adaptation. If you must know, I quoted Justice Souter and Jonathan Harr.

Weddinapolis

I was at my cousin's wedding this weekend in Indianapolis. Not to be confused with Minneapolis a la my freshman year roommate's dad. "So have you ever been to the Indy 500?" "Uh... no... have you?"
It was really, really fun. After so many sad extended family gatherings over the past 2 and half years or so, it was really great for everyone to be there for something like this. The rehearsal dinner was Friday night at the NCAA Hall of Stars, the wedding in Indy's oldest Catholic church and the reception at the old train station. Everything really beautiful. Also a huge wedding-- 8 bridesmaids and 8 groomsmen should give you an idea of the makeup of the 380-person wedding.
I realized a few things over this weekend...
* I am the most eligible cousin. The groom did his best to introduce me around, but I really should have specified that my search does actually extended beyond someone to "love and tolerate." I should have included "not conservative" and "doesn't live in Indiana."
* If you get married at 30, there will be A LOT of pregnant women there. Jesus.
* My extended family is so fun (booze is integral to this) and I wish there were more cousins to marry off sooner rather than later so we can do it again.
* I have no desire to live in Indy.
* Genetics are a very real thing.
* Everyone in my family is crazy, myself included. But hopefully not AS crazy.

On a completely different note, I am very, very, very much enjoying the new The Hold Steady album (thank you, Pete.) It's kind of like finding some lost early Bruce tracks... with a generous helping of Twin Cities geography and an update sound. Pretty much my dream.

BOO!

A few things I thought about today:
1) My new ipod. I bought one. The old one got lost (I prefer to think of it as stolen, but whatevs) and I... just... really... wanted... one. I missed it so much. It had been weeks. Sad weeks. So I marched down to the Wisconsin DOIT tech store over lunch and picked up a real beauty. It's really cool. Black and sexy... in contrast to its owner. And I watched an episode of LOST on it in bed. Which in practice isn't that different than bringing the laptop into bed and watching a DVD... but, you know, new toys are fun.
2) Speaking of LOST, I am now caught up with the current season. Like, the one that will be on TV tomorrow night. Those of you who know my television-watching habits and preferences know that this does NOT fall under them. But I think LOST really is THAT good. While some of my contemporaries have a laundry list of gripes about the show, my main one is how often they fall down. I mean, they've been there for two months now... haven't they learned to watch where they're going? They always run too fast and then BAM, they're on their stomachs and something bad happens. But, damn, those folks are FOINE.
3) One of the most compelling and least-often considered reasons for going back to school? Free condoms. You'd think maybe that being law students, we wouldn't have to have them given to us to use them. By many accounts over the past two months, this is not true. We are less responsible than your average 18 yr old from Osh Kosh (for those not from the upper midwest, yes that's a real place. Like Kalamazoo. And Timbuktu, for that matter.) Anyway, free condoms are a fun bonus. Besides, now I can take my mind off of purchasing prophylactics and put it back on that whole hunt for someone to love and tolerate.
4) If you look at pictures of some of these aforementioned dumb law students from parties last weekend, you'll also see that uncreatively dressing up as a random slut.... well, that never goes out of style. No matter how many advanced degrees you get.

Halloween

So Madison is famous for its Halloween party on State St. And I guess I had to check it out, since Madison isn't famous for much... I thought it kind of, well, sucked. I mean, in past years there was the risk of being tear-gassed, bonfires, SOMETHING... this just seemed to be waiting in line for 45 minutes to go to the same shitty bars that are always there.
Anyway, this is what I looked like, I was a Chili Pepper:


The scene on State was still kind of chaotic. There were a lot of costumes, and some were good. A lot of Capt. Morgan/Pirate of the Caribbean-- which seemed weirdly out of date to me. Ditto on the huge number of Waldos. We did wonder what University Health Services treated more the week following Halloween-- pneumonia or STDs? Um, maybe both.


Anyway, THIS costume particularly depressed me. If you can't tell, its a guy wearing a "just engaged" sign who is chained by the leg to a rolling board his fiance is sitting on, dressed like a black ball. Ha ha, right? They had another friend helping to push the board along who was dressed as priest.

I found this depressing because not only am I looking into the future, hoping to find another person I can love and tolerate in the long-term, but I also have to weed out the folks who think that "the old ball and chain" is a good Halloween costume. So it's not even really a matter of finding someone to love and tolerate-- it's also someone who thinks of this whole enterprise as a partnership and all kinds of other hippie shit I believe in.

Anyway, I also got into an altercation with a guy dressed up as a "mammogram provider." For obvious reasons, I hope. I may have said things like, "has this ACTUALLY worked? How many boobs have you felt tonight?" and ended with "p.s., breast cancer ISN'T FUNNY!!!!" as he ran away.

you know you're not in new york, when...

white, middle-aged american-born folks drive cabs. with no divider. so weird.
san francisco, austin, madison... all distinctly not new york and not only because of the cab drivers, but you know, probably that's a big part.

To My Esteemed Readership:

I have suffered from the cursed "write a good post, have blogger fuck it up and lose it and then be too angry to write to again." I apologize. I am also celebrating Halloween/studying for a Contracts midterms. So, unless you're looking for drunk/about the reliance interest posts... it's probably better that it's been awhile.
Thanks for understanding.
Love,
Sarah

Imploring you, for the last time, not to mess with Texas...

The first two are from a foray to the capitol, not pictured is the oil portrait of G.W. an Indian family was taking pictures of themselves under. Beautiful building, although I am a little biased as I live in the city home to the nation's largest state capitol building. Rumor has it they had to take to book out of Mrs. Wisconsin's hand so she wouldn't be taller than the Cap. in Washington. Luckily no one has dared to mess with Lady Texas. The last one is the bridge in Austin where folks line up every night to watch the 700,000-some bats that live under bridge fly out at sunset... quite a site. This is the only one that really came out, none of the bat ones are any good. At that moment I also resolved to be very diligent with my Lexis and Westlawing in order to earn a new digital camera. Hopefully before graduation...

TJ

And I'm not talking about my summer vacation in Tijuana. Trader Joe's finally hit Madison and I finally went there this afternoon. Aside from an improbably designed parking garage that seems to assume we're all already in Smart cars... what a blissful place.
My first experience with Trader Joe's was summer in Boston when I would walk two miles along a highway to the one in Cambridge in the blisteringly hot sun and carry my goods back with me, melting all the way. Things were much worse then, not limited to the fact that I had no money and was not 21.
Then TJ's came to NYC and people lined up for blocks. I never actually went in because, like a lot of good things in Manhattan, it was just too hard to do it to enjoy it at all. And then there's the logistics of carrying the goods back, this time on the subway. Advantages were that I had some money and was over 21.
Then it arrived in Minneapolis last May. I went with my mom and sister on opening day, because I happened to be in town and it also happened to be my sister's golden 15th birthday and for whatever reason that's what she wanted to do when she got home from school... we bought cake mix with Zanzibari vanilla and this insanely good dark chocolate frosting and made her a birthday cake. Advantages: a ride, still not completely broke and over 21. Disadvantages: Shopping with family, the fact that I was technically homeless and had nowhere to put anything I bought if I decided to-- except maybe next to the air mattress I was sleeping on in the living room.
Which brings me to the Madison store. $66 later, all problems have been solved. I have way too many frozen foods, but I also have frozen Pad Thai kit that made dinner tonight and lunch tomorrow for $3.50. I have two bottles of $2.99 Chuck. I have... well... lots of good stuff. I even had an overly-talkative Wisconsin-style cashier who I didn't mind...

The Airport

I spent a lot of time at airports today-- Austin, Houston and O'Hare. I like the airport. I like walking up and down each concourse, figuring out the food/retail options, I like people-watching, I like figuring out the personality of each airport-- because, while it doesn't necessarily reflect that of the city its in, they each kind of have their own.
Anyway, in my 3 hours in Houston, I was thinking about falling in love with strangers. This doesn't happen to me so much anymore, maybe because I rarely ride public transportation, but you know that feeling of standing in close proximity to someone else and by virtue of the fact that you're roughly the same age, maybe look like people who would get along, you find yourself imagining them to be your destiny?
Ok, hopefully you're still with me. I was thinking this today while waiting for the broken train that takes you between terminals at George H.W. Bush airport about a blondish late-twenty-something guy with an ethnic-looking manbag. I had it all planned out. Once the train finally came, we boarded and I noticed he had a tattoo of some passage from Luke on his ankle.
Game Over.
The other thing of note that happened at the airport was walking past Stephen Colbert after deplaning at O'Hare. I didn't say anything, just smiled. But, wow, cool, huh?

Dispatch from Austin

I like it here and I've been shown a great time by my awesome hosts. That being said, I realized yesterday why certain places always seem a little off or constructed to me (the state of California, included.) Being a cold-weather junkie, I think cities seem weird when they're designed around the fact that the weather is always nice. It lends a certain vacation-feel to the whole place that I at some level I can't reconcile. Uhhh... so this is all great, but what do you do when it's ten below?
There also seems to be a phenomenon with Austin's drinking water where it tastes like dirt. Lauren explained this last night, some thing to do with algae and the reservoir... I was just gratified to know I wasn't insane. About this.
I am also taking order for the "Texas is bigger than France" t-shirts being sold at the hotel gift shop where the convention is being held.

Update on the Med School

a) Law won the Dean's Cup. There was subway, champagne, cake and a keg at school on Monday night in celebration.

b) I finally got the pictures from our foray to the Med School.






















Now, for those of you who have never seen the Law School... well, since it is not beautiful wonderland... it is inferior. The closest to a photo of our "atrium" I could find was this one of Swathi and me. Note the darkness and low ceilings.

Something Annoying

Is not only having Torts at 7:45 am... which, I'll be honest, happens twice a week and it is completely dark when I wake up at 6:15. Which is annoying as hell.
BUT, what I at this moment find most annoying is the "awwwww" that the Torts class just emitted when the professor referred to a cow getting run over by a train. In 1902. I have always hated this. Like, where was the "awwww" when on Monday we talked about the clergyman who sodomized the 7 year old? Or the woman who faceplanted onto a steam pipe and burned off her face? Or the woman who poisoned her toddler neice to collect on the insurance? Why didn't we "awwwww" then?
I always think of watching this documentary in Theory of Knowledge senior year in high school about Coney Island. The "Awwwww" that arose out of the electrocution of Topsy the violent elephant who killed 3 people in 1903... made me want to puke. It's so lame and stupid-- for all the human pain and suffering and terrible things people do on purpose... you're going to prioritize your sympathies to an accident involving a cow 104 years ago. Is it possible something worse has happened since then?
Why don't you "Awww" that, jerkface?

And just because...

Little else blog-worthy happens...

Today I bought these...





For $20 at Urban Outfitters on my way back from lunch, and I think they are very cool and will be a great winter addition. They are also suitable for my next Badger football game. Obvio.




And maybe even for my upcoming trip to Texas.


Because my Uggs are in the shop?

Kind of Busy...

Is all I can think of to account for this... a couple of weeks ago, when I went to the hearing for the travel grant, I left my jacket there. It hasn't been turned into lost and found and it wasn't until this evening that I started to mourn its loss... it was the army green canvas jacket that I got at Kmart for $21.99 and a certain privileged Wes Alum mistook for her own Marc Jacobs version. And it had little lovely little gem stone bling courtesy of my grandma's "costume jewelery" collection. All of the sudden-- GODDAMN! I can't believe I lost that!

In other news, apparently I may understand a little bit of school, as I've gotten positive feedback on some things. I have had consistent evidence that as much as I don't know what's going on and am flailing... I'm better at it than some people. Including the girl who is consistently mean to me. And sometimes success out of spite is hugely satisfying...

"Gopher by birth, Badger by choice."

... as the cashier at Whole Foods described me this morning.

I attended my first Big Ten football game this afternoon. In discussing it, please keep in mind, that I a) was stone-cold sober and b) don't like football. But it was GREAT. So fun. There are all these songs (like the one that ends with, "when you say Wisconsin, you've said it all..."), actions (jingling of keys, this back and forth davening-like thing, lots of dancing.) And no doubt would going having had a few beers make it more fun (just couldn't do it for 11 am gametime.) These Badgers know something about having a good time...



I've never been involved in anything like it. And while I could do with getting knocked into my fewer shitfaced 19 yr olds... I'd totally do it again. I never knew what I was missing-- has this been going on most fall weekends in Minneapolis for my entire life and I just didn't know?

For more photos.

"All of us who have attended high school or lived in group residences know that there is such a thing as social control apart from the public legal system in our society."

Macauley, Kidwell & Whitford. Contracts: Law in Action, p.378

Ugggggggggggggggggggg....

I didn't think it was possible. But I do believe there are more pairs of Ugg boots on the UW campus than on the island of Manhattan. Why is this still going on? They're ugly, overpriced and impractical. I hate them, they really roil me for some reason. Meanwhile, I will have to look into whether my sister's #1 wish ever is still a pair of baby pink Uggs. Because I may actually disown her this time. While there are some allowances for being 15, some things are non-negotiable.

Meanwhile, it is 33 degrees here and I the heat is still not on in my apartment. I have been leaving the oven open, maybe because I still want to be Laura Ingalls. L.I.W. would never wear Uggs.

Name Brands

Recently my mom reminded me of how circa 5th grade I would refill Evian bottles for my image. I thought of this as I was refilling a Crystal Geyser bottle at the drinking fountain before class this afternoon- because I am too cheap and it is too cold to leave the building for new water.

Awww...

I liked this article. I sent it to my dad, because it reminded me of the trip he and I took over Spring Break my junior year in high school. We drove from NY to Boston to PA to DC and back to NY and went on a million tours. It's when I first learned of, and saw Wesleyan. Things like that, upon reflection, feel like love. The college trip and the Little House on the Prairie tour through Wisconsin, Minnesota and South Dakota circa 1989, make me feel like my dad really loves me. Which kind of counters the first two weeks of law school where all he told me was that I didn't know anything. And this was pretty nice, too:

OK I am a little teary eyed and maudlin, but you are my one and only....and I had to try to get this parenting thing close to right...sometimes it works.

Because "I only got one shot, sorry you turned out so bad" could really make a girl feel bad.

The news, today.

*I'm headed to Austin weekend after next. I'll be shacked up with my main readership.
*Maggie and Peter are moving in a couple doors down from my old house, E's current one. I wonder if they know I don't live there anymore?
*I no longer believe it is athlete's foot of the hand, just very dry skin.
*This is kind of like the cases we read in crim, but real.
*My home has been invaded by lady bugs.
* The girl who a few weeks ago told me I "sucked" in torts, today tapped me on the shoulder, I took out my headphones, and she said, "you're not going to do a good job watching Mike's stuff because of your shitty attention to detail." I put my headphone back in and turned away.
This is what I'm dealing with here, people. It ain't pretty.

A few days away...

This weekend was very good and very good for me. I spent some time with grandma, I got some work done and got the feeling I might have some idea what's going on in school... so dropping out and going to culinary school has once again been put on the back burner (pun? oh yeah, it was intended.)
Some things that happened:
*David's friend who is known for being built like a square said to me, "I am very intuitive about people, and I can tell that you're a very genuine person." So that was nice.
*A woman who left $40 in the ATM, after we returned it to her, tried to confide in me about how she was about to find her ex-husband and "beat his ass" because she didn't have any money. I was reminded that I was in Indiana. I tried to just kind of smile like I could relate.
*I watched 4 episodes of Lost and 3 of Six Feet Under, I think I finally "get it" with Six Feet Under.
*I did some anger management, which is pictured here:















* I went running--twice!--it had been awhile... unless you count speed-walking to school at 7:38am for my 7:45 class. Which I don't.
* I bumped and ground with Notre Dame undergrads and it felt like 2am, but was really 4pm.
* Just when we were getting a little too drunk, a man appeared with a platter of cheeseburgers and gave us each one... The Hamburger Fairy. One of the best things that has even happened.
* I got some good deals at the GAP outlet.
* I got an oil-change.
* I determined that I have athlete's foot on my hand... which is gross, I know. But if you can't share this stuff with the internet, who can you share it with?
* I refound a lot of music on the drive on my ipod.
* I made myself a little hoarse singing along with the entirety of RENT on the way back today.
* I remembered that Lakeside is my favorite place in the world:

Pumping the Positivity

So perhaps I am a little more new-agey than I'd like to think. In some philosophical combination of the Serenity Prayer and "living well is the best revenge," I'm doing what I can to improve myself in order to improve my situation. So I think I'm going to skip town tomorrow. I haven't been paying attention in class, haven't really been doing my homework (I do it, but couldn't tell you now what it was about...) and have found myself getting crazy in ways I don't like about silly things. So it's time to reset. And I'm making no progress, in school or in my own life development if I let myself act in ways I'm not or don't like. And now, a Jon Stewarty moment of zen, just to inform you and remind me that Madison can be a lovely place to live:



Om.

White Hot Rage and the High Holidays

So yesterday was Yom Kippur. And was also one of the most infuriating days of my life, never have I felt so much anger with so little hurt. I've been WRONGED and treated poorly and that about covers it. For the first time, I feel like, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is an accessible idea to me.
So is it really coincidence that on the "day it is sealed" (one's fate for the year. Who by fire and who by water.... etc.) I should be the victim of what may be the most blatant attack on my humanity so far? Maybe this is all a little dramatic, but the shitstorm I have inadvertently been pulled into began, came to fruition and exploded completely within the Jewish Days of Atonement. Some folks weren't atoning.... they were thinking up new ways of fucking others over.

I went to Kol Nidre dinner on Sunday at the UW Hillel. While this is borderline the dorkiest thing I have ever done and I was at least three years older than anyone else in the room and at most seven years older... this isn't the point. I went with a friend who called me out on my religious relativism. I had said that there were worse things to do than drink water on Yom Kippur. He said that murderers say, "At least I'm not a serial killer." Which seems a more than a little silly, but did make me think... on the other hand, my overarching goal in life is to be "better than average." I want to treat people better than average, do better than average in school... etc. And sometimes it's all I can do to accomplish this goal... so after dinner I was thinking I had maybe not devoted enough time to reflecting on my wrongs of the year. I mean, I have definitely made mistakes, but I have not been intentionally hurtful, I have tried to do right by people I care about and just do more good than bad. But then I was thinking, what if this isn't enough? Maybe I should stop gossiping or being jealous and being spiteful or any other weakness I can identify in myself...
Anyway, then Yom Kippur came, I was totally fucked over and I realized... hey... I'm doing pretty ok.
Now, so long as I can have both the moral highground and the upper half of the law school class... I'll be doing great.

it's only fitting...

that after an epiphany one day in Criminal Law that the thing about law school is that everyone is crazy and as crazy as I may be, I'm the picture of sanity next to some of these folks... that I'd read this this evening in a case for Crim:

Between the two extremes of "sanity" and "insanity" lies every shade of disordered or deficient mental condition, grading imperceptibly one into another.

Last Night was Lovely

Last night was lovely. I had a dinner party with 8-10 guests and everything was delicious and funny and laid-back and infused with cheap wine. Perhaps my four favorite adjectives? Folks came over at about 7:30, the last left after 2am and it really was just filled with gossip and laughing and good food. It remains weird how so many social things feel tenuous, on the other hand, things like last night feel great and natural and like there's something real forming. And great to also talk to people about how we really are all going through the same thing-- the self-doubt, the feelings of being overwhelmed, the isolating nature of this venture.
In related news, I discovered a really good (or at least seemed really good in hour 4 of the party) wine at Whole Foods, which is organic and on sale for $4.99. I was also dismayed to see that perhaps the belowmentioned propaganda isn't cutting it for the state of Wisconsin. Goddamned California.

Unrelatedly: Hustle and Flow is not a good movie. Now from Netflix, The Notebook. Which I haven't seen, but from what I've heard, I may spend Yom Kippur crying.

Field Trip

Two friends and I got to know the campus a little better this afternoon when we took a field trip to the Med School. Whether just to scout it out or to secure future spouses (does it really matter?) we made a couple of stops on the way...

• The first was Sterling Hall. We considered this homework, since we'd been discussing the case in Crim Law just before the field trip. Ok. Technically we didn't know where it was, walked past it, asked someone where it was, he pointed it out and we kept walking... but... we meant to stop.
  
• The second was the Babcock Dairy Store, a place I had never heard of in the Dairy Sciences Building. Yes, that's right, Dairy Sciences. It's a kind of amazing place, with various snacks based on dairy (grilled cheese) and sells ice cream and cheese, both to eat there and to take home. They also have an observation area on the second floor where you can look down and see how they're making all of these dairy products. The building is entirely devoted to the science of dairy and is decorated with a lot of dairy propaganda for the State of Wisconsin. Like this:
  

But I had some very good strawberry frozen yogurt, as did one friend. The other elected a baggie of cheese cubes and coffee. I also brought this home this:


The Med School was totally bizarre and really, really, really nice. Beautiful, even. Amazing light, study space, facilities-- even landscaping! We walked over this beautiful arching bridge to the Pharmacy School... which was also nice and much nicer than the Law School. And we left huffy, vowing never to refer to what we have as "The Atrium" again after having seen the Med School's Atrium. Henceforth, it will be known as The Pit.

The News

At the end of another 13.5 hour Wednesday, unable to commit to bed because of a residual caffeine/adrenaline situation, I thought I'd take the opportunity to keep all 6 of my readers updated on the news.
There's this, and this, and this.

Also, the new ipod shuffle looks really cool. But what else is new?

Why is it...

that after 7128265 uneventful chews, one inevitably takes a chunk out of his/her cheek/lip?

Just to keep you on your toes? Appreciate not having open sores in your mouth all of the time?
Refamilizarize you with the taste of blood (assuming you're not Angelina Jolie, in which case I doubt you could forget)?
Ah, maybe just to remind you you're alive.

And I win!

So this is just a small brag over a small thing that I'm rather pleased with. Last Thursday I went to a fundraising meeting to get a group of us to Austin next month for a convention. We could apply for a grant through UW and I volunteered/was roped into writing it. It was due within hours. So I had this kind of crazy evening of grant writing/preparing to be on-call in Contracts the next day evening. And not only did I do fine in Contracts, but after a hearing and presentation this evening (which was not unlike the 3rd level of hell...), I just learned I scored us $326. Which isn't a lot for 8 people... but woo-hoo.
On another note, this hearing was. so. so. weird. We presented along side the Campus Crusade for Christ (they invite folks of "the non-christian faith" to come along to their weekend retreat and "observe how Christians act."), the Undergraduate Zoological Society which was seeking a grant to go to the Crane Institute in Baraboo (which is 40 miles away), the Indian Grad Student Alliance trying to finance their annual Diwali festival and an organization run by a certain Wesleyan Alum who is now a Med Student and also used to be blond, but now has magenta hair and didn't acknowledge we might know one another. Email me for details, closest guess wins a prize.

Marbles

This is amazing. And makes the whole Diebold issue seem a little much-ado-about-nothing.

Why Law School is like High School

I have a locker.
I have a picture of Maggie & Jake Gyllenhaal in the locker.
I think a girl in my class overheard me referring to her as a "ho" on Saturday night.
I received this today in my mailbox:

Law in Action...

What I've most enjoyed about law school so far is the rare occasion when a case or concept intersects with something that seems relevant to my life... the jurisdiction conversations in Civil Procedure shed light in retrospect on a lot of the work I did at CWT last year. I've filed these motions, watched the process of arguing over jurisdiction... it's interesting to learn what those arguments are and why they're being argued. Contracts, for example, usually doesn't thrill me, but when we read a case that explains why FedEx can lose the Sex and the City DVD that I sent KBLA for Christmas last year and have it not be their fault... that's kind of interesting, too.
Last week, though, we drafted a complaint in Civ. Pro. suing a Police Department for the wrongful death of an unarmed man... and shortly after, KBLA told me about this.
The victim was someone she'd met, the actual relationship sounds weird (cousin's boyfriend's cousin?) but the point is that it is appalingly law school come to life. And also points out some kinds of futility in the system... writing a complaint on behalf of the family of Radio Raheem is a practice in theory. In theory, monetary compensation is what we have to give people who have been injured, deprived of their rights and have lost something at the hands of someone else. But in reality, obviously, a fat check from the City is no compensation for officers with histories of shooting 15 yr olds having killed a family member. So what do we have? And how are we supposed to evolve and make ourselves more humane when the only recourse for the loss of a loved one is monetary.**

** It's not like I have a better idea... but still.

Weeds

I started watching Weeds on DVD from Netlflix... and while it's not "great," it's strangely addicting. A gateway show, if you will. But The past few episodes have featured songs from The Mountain Goats. Which fits in well, because I am currently completely obsessed with The Mountain Goats and Tallahassee and Sunset Tree are all I ever listen to. Again and again and again.

Inconceivable...

I also like how there is a lot of great coffee here.
Which leads me to the only contribution I made in Contracts. I was very tired today and am still #%$^%@ sick. When my professor (we were talking about whether you could calculate the profit a Starbucks would make in a new place based on the profits of other Starbucks other places), asked "Is there anywhere in the country where people don't like coffee?" I let out an unintentionally very loud and shocked-sounding, gasp, "No!"

Getting Fleeced

One thing I really like about my triumphant return to the midwest is how it's ok, acceptable and even fashionable to wear polar fleece. I've held onto some of the standards adopted in New York... like I didn't start wearing shorts again. I don't count my city shorts as shorts. And neither does Manhattan. But I had all this other stuff that wasn't getting worn in my NYlife. Namely hiking boots and polar fleece. And since any new "need" excites me because it opens the possibility of consumption, I'm loving it. Since I can now wear fleece jackets again... no way can I still rock the sage green one from freshman year.

Noooooo...
I.
Need.
To.
Go.
Shopping.
At REI. Or another gear shop... the stores I love but was on hiatus from. Strange because I used to be something of an outdoorswoman in my previous midwestern life but I suppressed that identity for a number of years. Much as suppressed the urge to say "pop." (Don't worry, I still say soda...)
What I like about Madison is how there are truly all kinds of people here. Ones who wear oversized sunglasses, all black, leggings and no body fat. Ones who wear Birkenstock clogs (welcome back, boys.)
And a lot of ones who wear Bucky wear.

"Nah. too many 1Ls...."

So I'm sitting in the atrium of the law school. A couple of guys just came in, surveyed the scene and not-so-quietly left saying, "Nah, there's too many 1Ls." Now, I am all for disliking people based on things they can't control... (usually, though, I prefer things they can control. Asshole? Passive Aggressive? Dumb but think they're smart? Annoying? Stupid laugh? Attention whore? Mean to me?) but... odds are I am older than this kid. Don't treat me like the freshman. Because it's not the same. Thre dynamic is really strange, going to school with people of all ages and how they can be of different "grade" while being both younger and older. So some 23 yr old can feel great about being a second-year and lord it over the 30 yr old first year...
Now, there are plenty of reasons I would consider legitmate to dislike a good portion of the 1Ls... (reasons listed above) but the fact that they were doing something else last year and/or the year before besides law school is not one of them.
In a related note, there seem to be a lot of women between 26 and 30, but not a lot of men. They're either fresh out of college or... married. With children. I wonder why this is.

"The Middle West Now Seemed like the Ragged Edge of the Universe"

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Erin
Date: Sep 20, 2006 10:51 AM
Subject: Re: Important!
To: Sarah

 

Don't pretend to be nice just because you moved back to the midwest where everyone is nice.

 

Invisalign

In December of 2003, Erin and I attended a holiday party in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. We didn't know anyone there and the friend who brought us, left us soon after arriving. Stories of this party have been told, reaching legend status, but I'll try to summon the highlights, not necessarily in chronological order:

• Feeling terribly uncomfortable, one of us tells the other, we must either leave right now or get really drunk. There is some debate as to who said this to the other. We agree, however, that we chose the latter.
• We find a gift bottle of maker's mark, a gift for the hosts. We open it and drink it. All.
  
• A woman who ends up being Erica's supervisor at her old old job points to a plate of what I believe are cookies, and asks me to look at one and see if it has carbs in it. I ask what a carb looks like.
• The woman tells us about her fantastic "invisalign" adult braces. She has horrible skin and was ugly and got the braces to help her appearace. She claims the braces got her a boyfriend. She offers a graphic description of how her boyfriend is grateful for the orthodontia and how it improves her, um, oral sex skils. We are horrified and can't stop laughing.
• It turns out the mystery food was meatballs, not cookies. Carb content remains unclear.
  
• In the holiday raffle, Erin wins a book of poetry inspired by the race riots in Crown Heights.
• I win a picture frame.
• We try to make out with the hosts when we are the last two guests. They send us home in a cab.
• Erin accuses me of trying to secretly communicate with the cabbie in Spanish.

You can only imagine how pleased I was to arrive at the orthodontist's office this afternoon and discover they'd put my $125 toward my very own invisalign.

You know you're in Wisconsin when...

This is a viable service.

Fall

I like fall. I really do. Once I get over the inherent bummer of the end of summer, fall is great. I also think of 3 autumns in New York as such a relief after the uncomfortable late summer sweat-fest. Summer didn't end so sweltering in Madison, but that kind of bite in the air is still nice.
My new home in a small city surrounded by country means things like corn mazes and bonfires (ok, this might be a stretch) and hayrides and the smell of burning leaves and those are always great about fall.
Also, what might be the best points:
a) I ordered a new winter coat on severe clearance from brooklyn industries, so I'm ready (from head to toe in down) for whatever Wisconsin can dish out.
b) Fall colors and clothes are by far my favorite-- the light-layered look. What's better?

The tunnel. The light. The end.

Today was a nice day, even though 6-7 hours of it was spent doing work. I went to a parade full of kids (and adults) in costumes. The kind of parade where virtually every one there is in the parade, it's relaxed and casual and full of silly costumes and political slogans and stilts and reminds me of my own growing up. I went with my former coworker who is here and a refreshing change from the all-law-school-all-the-time of my day to day.
I went to the library, saw people I like and felt ok about myself and my place and taking a break to walk to get an iced coffee with soy milk on a sunny day on State St.
I went out to a sushi dinner and then grocery shopping with a friend, both situations which are much more my speed and much better for my mental space.
I remember starting college and realizing at a certain point that I hadn't gotten a hug in a long time. And I'm not a super-touchy-feely kind of person. So I guess I hadn't thought that hugs were something important to me, but they are. I think this is just an awkward process, starting over and takes time. And maybe it's ok to acknowledge the suckiness of the interim. I need to create more structure for myself, a schedule and become involved in things that remind me why this is all a good idea and how I will come out of this ready to do what I want. And maybe figure out what that is in the meanwhile.
I also know about myself that I have a tendency to put up distance if I feel wronged by someone-- fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me-kind of mentality. And this isn't always the best way. What may speed this all up is a little more pride-swallowing and to make my own things happen. And not to just retreat into myself/my apartment because I can and because it's easier is doesn't end with my feeling disappointed in other people.
A small step in this is maybe studying in the library more. While I am not any more productive there (maybe less), there is a social component that I apparently crave.
Meanwhile, I can also be proactive about other things: health (cholesterol, this cough, the strange little blisters appearing all over my feet and hands...), sleep patterns, plans with new friends.
And now, I swear the next post will not be about my whiny existential crisis.

The honeymoon is over...

And last night was really tough. I went from writing emails saying, "I'm not lonely and despondent" to realizing, I am lonely and despondent.
I made the mistake of rereading old emails from all kinds of people and feeling sorry for myself that it was Saturday night, I was in over my head and there was no one in a 200-mile radius who would pick up the phone if I called.
Of course everything looks better by the light of day. But there has been some watershed. The social aspect is strange, because while there are a lot of people I like just fine... interactions all feel superficial, I don't feel like in the past month I've really gotten to know anyone or them me. I don't do well in crowds and large-group socializing and that's most of what it has been. And when you're just superficial friends, no one is ever accountable to each other. If someone says they'll call and they don't, there's no recourse because it's almost like you don't know them well enough to demand a to be treated a certain way. Which is really isolating because it means you get dropped for something that sounds better...
Last night I really felt like this was a huge mistake-- I had a comfortable, if not terribly intellectually rewarding, life full of people who genuinely liked and loved me and wouldn't "forget" to call when something else cooler came up... to this. And while I knew it was happening while I was doing it-- I was aware I was giving up a lot of things to be here, I guess I assumed it would all be worth it. But now I don't know... I'm working all of the time, I'm not even particularly good at this and now, yes, I'm lonely and despondent. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Ok, had to get that out. Back to mildly-amusement minutiae...