Diet Tips

As a public service, I'm going to let you in on what I've learned over the past couple of weeks.

If you buy a pair of jeans that don't quite fit, try this 9-step diet:

1. Enroll in law school.
2. Workout 6 times during the semester, hopefully in spurts. Like, two days in a row, then not again for 6 weeks, then another two times. Eventually, just give up.
3. Wait until classes end.
4. Eat half as many meals as you normally would, mostly due to consistent nausea, but ensure that at least half of those are Trader Joe's frozen pizza. BBQ Chicken or Spinach, preferably.
   
5. Drink at least 2 soy lattes and 4-5 diet cokes per day and generally 1-2 glasses of wine per night to counteract the caffeine.
   
6. Sleep alternately very little and a lot.
7. Avoid fresh vegetables.
8. Do not avoid fried cheese curds, in fact, try to eat them every time you eat out. If you're in Wisconsin, this should be easy. If you're not, Mozzarella sticks are an acceptable substitute.
9. Spend all of your time either sitting or laying down. When you must, choose baths over showers to avoid any unnecessary standing.

If you follow this carefully-- your jeans should now fit well. Congratulations! Its a little expensive and counterintuitive... but nobody said looking good was cheap or easy, my friends.

Note: Although the jeans may fit, you will feel like shit, your skin will become sallow and you may develop dark circles under your eyes... just a warning.