The Hunter Becomes the Hunted

I guess "the teacher becomes the student" is a little more apt. But whatever. I wrote this last week, then got distracted by a camping trip in the Porkies. More on that later.

Two Fridays ago, I got a call from my dad. He was in San Francisco and tells me he is in the hospital, needs an emergency appendectomy but refuses to go under the knife without a will or an advanced directive. After the initial shock of "I'm in the hospital," I was totally annoyed and outraged. I more or less contained it through the day's successful surgery, his couple more days hospitalized with a nagging fever and even through the delicious beet & chevre salad and mussels I had for lunch with him yesterday. I was about to get in the car to head back to Madison, when I kind of let him have it.

It's really dumb for him not to have a will. And he knows that. I was almost more irritated about the advanced directive because while not planning for the division of his stuff will create a headache for us, not expressing his desires for his health care is more troubling to me. And I threw in little things like that I give him the benefit of the doubt and don't think his not doing these things are a result of not caring about his health or his loved ones... but it can look like that. He hasn't thankfully had anything that turned out to be major, but he does have a tumor inside his skull, had a melanoma removed from his back and may need a heart valve replaced. So, like, we're all going to die, but there have been a couple reminders recently that he may sooner than... well.... enough reminders that it's dumb not to plan for the inevitable.

Anyway, I was also a little mad at myself because I had kind of assumed he made these plans and hadn't. So, now I know to nag him until he does (or the will in his chart at whatever SF hospital will remain in effect...) and I suggest you do the same with your delinquent parents in denial.

Tony the Tiger Does Not Approve

I was feeling self-congratulatory today, on getting the house and eating almost exclusively free food (complimentary breakfast and food stamps!) so I got a manicure. That guy did not approve of my decision. He said all I need is a one bedroom that is not too dirty and not too dangerous. Because I need to save up for my "american dream." I definitely giggled. Then he told me to go to his apartment complex and ask about openings, telling them, as he wrote on the back of the nail place's business card, Tony "the Tiger" sent me. Really weird and amusing. The scales tipped even weirder when he began serenading me with the lyrics for the instrumental easy listening radio station while rubbing lotion into me.

TSA Math

At the store, out of toothpaste, I decide to pay $1.97 for 3 oz. of toothpaste instead of $1.50 for 6oz... because, well, I'll be able use it again after I fly back to MN on Friday.

Um, President Obama, we're in a "recession," perhaps we should de-prioritize the federal subsidy of the travel-sized toiletries industry?

Notable

1. The mayor of Flagstaff is a 28 year old public defender named Sara. I'm not kidding.

2. I found us a really wonderful place today, here's hoping the applications go through. For about $80 more per month than we pay now in Madison, we'd live in a 2+ bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage. It's a super-nice place in a this cool kind of residential cabins in the pines area south of town- apparently originally founded for places for Phoenixers to escape the heat. There's lots of room for visitors and delish meals... think about it blogreaders. We're getting a good deal because the house is on the market, so we pay cheaper rent in exchange for them being able to show it-- and us leaving with 30 days notice. It's kind of ideal for the situation we're in and assuming it goes through, will be a huge relief to know we're going to land somewhere so awesome when we head this way with the u-haul in a few weeks. Yikes!

3. Holy crap! The Hyundai Accent is a total piece of crap... but got over 40 miles to the gallon on the last tank. What's wrong with my KIA? Oh, maybe that I don't worry it won't get over a hill? That's probably it.

4. I'd read that Flagstaff was a "dark-sky city" or, I guess, the first dark-sky city. I wasn't sure what it would look like and stayed out a little later tonight to check it out (this missing 3/4 of Daily Show/Colbert...!) I can't describe it very well... it's just... darker. There are street lights, but they, like all the other lights, are just dimmer. The Safeway looked closed, for example, I guess that's something to get used to. Supposedly the stars are awesome here because of the lack of light pollution, but the cloudy "monsoon season" skies will have to clear to see them.

5. Things to remember: Prescott, AZ is "press kit." Verde Valley is "ver-dee." Guess the girl from the land of Nick-o-let Ave. should stop throwing stones (in Milwaukee and France, it's Nick-o-lay.)

6. Don't worry, I've already scoped the local Target and driven passed Old Navy & Marshalls... I've also been listening KNAU, Flagstaff Public Radio (they broadcast in Spanish translation some place. Um... swoon!) All are important to me and all are up to snuff.

7. I think I really like it here. I was definitely apprehensive yesterday (and would be lying if I said I was no longer apprehensive) but it's really grown on me. Maybe it was the hefeweizen on the patio for lunch at Flagstaff Brewing Company? Maybe it was figuring our my way around or the charming downtown? It's funny, though, because in some ways has made me realized how accustomed I've gotten to my quasi-urban lifestyle. It'll definitely be different, we get a house... but sacrifice the gym around the corner and bars and restaurants up the street. But... we're landing in a good place for now.

Now about that pesky employment situation...

Differences

A couple of differences I've noticed so far on my sojourn to Arizona.

1. Local news from Phoenix shows current temp- 10:22pm is 99 degrees. It's about 65 right now in Flagstaff.

2. The woman at Hertz told me I needed a bigger car than a Hyundai Accent to go "up north" because they are having "weather." She thought the Accent would "probably make it...but...." I clarified that "weather" meant rain and told her I thought I'd be fine.

3. Daily Show and Colbert are over by 9 here. Weird.

There will be more, I am sure, once I have interacted with more than: a rental car lady, a waiter, front desk clerk and checkout guy.

Sandwiches

Charlie and I sometimes talk about our future project, opening "Macon Coffee." Macon Coffee will definitely be a cool coffee shop... sometimes it will also offer the opportunity for people to fix their bikes there and/or get legal advice and fill out pro se materials. Whatever form it ends up taking, obviously we'll need to develop a menu of expensive sandwiches. So we periodically create sandwiches and name them after wherever we are. The Bandelier is pb and avocado on wheat. The Franklin (our street in Madison) is pb and melted cheese... on wheat. There's some others but neither of us can remember them tonight. But tonight, ladies and gents, I've developed the Flagstaff Snack Plate. It's Ryvita (rye/sesame) crackers with avocado smooshed over it (no knifes at the Ramada, apparently), slice of pepper jack and some turkey. You may have noticed a theme, or rather, that all of our sandwiches are made from essentially the same ingredients. WHATever. Keeps overhead low, right?

Mildly related sad story: Local news reporting that shoplifting hasn't increased, but that now people are stealing food, firewood and personal hygiene products. Sad face.

Not Needed

Family doesn't seem to understand that "wow, you're in a tough situation" and "don't you feel lonely going to Flagstaff like this" are not good things to talk about. Oh, and how I will get murdered by someone showing me an apartment from Craigslist. I didn't know how easy it would be make me cry by rehashing the imperfect details of my situation. But now we all know it's a good way to get me to forgo homemade blueberry ice cream and head to bed at 9:45 after saying, "I don't know how to change any of these things before my 7am flight tomorrow. There are a lot of un-ideal things about my life right now."

UPDATE: They did give me bison burgers and the idea to use all my excess mint to make iced tea... so it's not all bad. Just, like, I liked the other parental side's strategy of taking us out for dinner to celebrate my first case and telling me things are hard but I have options better. Stupid equally-flawed-in-different-ways parents. Sometimes I wish I spawned from robots. Although robots wouldn't eat bison or mint tea, I guess.

On the move...

It's been noted by others (as well as my own self in my head) that we've been on the move quite a bit this summer. Generally not trips that cost any more than the gas, but it's still a little ironic that (f)unemployment is what it takes to be able to have the freedom to get around. Tomorrow I drive to Minneapolis in order to catch a flight to Phoenix at 7am Tuesday morning. Then I drive my rental car to Flagstaff and stay at the Ramada until Friday when I come back to Phoenix and return to Minneapolis. While in Flagstaff, I try to find us a place to live and try to replace my generalized anxieties about the unknown with particularized anxieties about the barely known. Then I spent a couple of days in the Twin Cities, hanging out with my family, etc. before heading to a cabin with Kristina and her little family (hello qt with my favorite kindness-child) as well as her mom and stepdad. Then back to Madison. Meanwhile, Charlie makes his way to Anchorage for a wedding and then to Tucson for the bar. I am getting better at spelling Tucson right on the first try. We meet back up in Madison late next week and head up to the Upper Peninsula with the d-o-g to camp for a couple of nights here. No, it's not the "bar trip" of some of our peers-- a month in Italy? A tour of southeast Asia? But we're not that fancy. And we're broke. But he's been working hard and deserves a mini-break someplace pretty with his girl and his dog.
It'll be nice to have him back, mentally, and start being able to really work together on this big move. Plus it's been pretty boring being a bar-widow.

Highlights of this weekend include figuring out how and using food stamps at the farmer's market and grilling ostrich burgers (& filets) with friends on the deck. Last week also enjoyed an epic 25 mile bike ride around Lake Mendota, watching Bruno at 2-4-1 student night and noticing the hot peppers in the deck farm are growing after all! Yes, it's a quiet and domestic life here... wait, did I mention burning 5 audio books to my computer for the move-drive? Um, right, still quiet and domestic.

Joke

Man on the Street: Do you know any jokes?

Me: No, I don't think so. Do you?

MOTS: I know lots of them, millions, that's how I get money, food and cigarettes.

Me: I don't have any of those things. But what's the joke?

MOTS: A girl with big breasts works at Hooters. Where does a girl with one leg work?

Me: . . .

MOTS: IHOP!

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Democrats

This is all a little tongue in cheek, but I've really been appreciate President Obama and the dems lately. Maybe because I am the not-working poor.

Some examples:
I listened to a lot of NPR on my drive home from Michigan yesterday. Judge (soon to be Justice?) Sotomayor is so great. What a cool, calm, collected, smart, experienced choice she was. Also, this is maybe my law nerd side, but everyone needs to shut up about how judges are supposed to be umpires. This may be more true in trial court or even appellate court. But one thing I learned from my stint at the WI Supreme Court to a lesser extent, is that cases only get up to that level because they are tough calls. And because both sides have a strong argument and could possibly prevail. Sometimes precedent needs to be overturned-- or we'd be stuck with b.s. like segregation. I know she wasn't supposed to say it, but Sotomayor's quote about policy being made in federal appellate courts... is true. And I for one would rather have someone smart and fair who understands how it works. She's totally not perfect, seems to be really law & order (not in the re-run good way) and pro-prosecution, but criminal cases are really infrequently heard by the Court, comparatively. And I'd rather have that lady, with her experiences and biases, evaluating my case than Clarence Thomas. Once he figures out how to tie his shoe. Also, hip hip hooray for Al Franken's first, well, really anything since getting sworn in. He was smart and humble, I thought. Just how I like my men...

Ok, also, I was getting really jazzed about Dr. Regina Benjamin for Surgeon General. Maybe I'm being naive and we'll learn she has a Cruella DeVille coat made of puppies... but so far, she looks awesome. Coastal Alabaman community doctor for the poor?? Swoon. Again, good work President Obama.

Now on to the personal. I just renewed a book from the Madison Public Library online. This may sound simple, but it's really, really cool that there is a free place that anyone can go and get books. Kids and moms and homeless people and-- me! So, thanks, government for funding the library.

My foodstamps card came finally! I'm officially on the dole. No, this is not how I pictured life after law school... but I am very happy to live in a society where we have things like food stamps. And I will continue to happily pay into these programs for the rest of my working life.

And, finally, thanks to the Dems for getting me relatively cheap COBRA health insurance coverage. You guys are the best!!

Thanks

Today I floated down a strange river somewhere in Wisconsin with my fellow unemployeds/unstudying for the bar-ers. Iliana, Sophy and I drank Miller Chill and laughed and got muddy and sunburned. Then we ate burgers at Culvers, went home for a rest and reconvened for Pho... pretty awesome day. And tomorrow I have the settlement conference for my client. My client. You know, the person I am getting paid to advise and advocate for as an attorney? Then I head to Michigan for some beach, dad and grandma time (and coverletter writing time, naturally.)
Basically, this is all to say that I am feeling better. I am relieved because I feel like I can sink very fast, emotionally, but also that I still seem to have the coping mechanisms not to stay down there for too long. Of course, this is speaking to the audience that isn't my patient boyfriend who has to console me when I'm down, it's late... and I've had a pitcher of beer. I also have great friends and have heard some really nice things from a lot of people. Alijo reminded me that when I get a job, I'll have it all, "a career, a loving partner, an unparalleled instinct for finding a bargain, and an utterly devoted beagle." It's also nice to remember that even right now, I have three out of four. Not to mention good people who are good friends to me all over the place. And the bargain hunting? NO ONE can take that away from me.


PS. I'm back on Facebook, obvi. When you leave Facebook, they show this screent that says, "Are you sure you want to deactivate your account? Your 506 friends will no longer be able to keep in touch with you." And then shows 4 pictures of your with randomly selected friends, "Kristina will miss you," "Charlie will miss you," "Drew will miss you." Like everything facebook does, it's brilliant and creepy.

FML

I've mentioned this fellowship job in New Orleans to many of you, many have said "that's perfect for you!" And, well, I learned earlier tonight via the facebook status update of the girl who apparently got it... that I didn't. I know her, we worked together last summer. Oh, technology! Naturally, my first reaction was to deactivate my facebook account. I'm a such a good woman scorned.
To be honest, I feel completely fucking worthless. I've been feeling worse and worse as the summer has gone on, with the sinking feeling punctuated by the fun of leisure and the occasional mini-break (like my first public defender client, who I met today, and the excitement of calling someone and saying, "Hi, I'm your lawyer" should be the subject of this blog post). It felt so good to get that appointment and the little encouragement of being paid to do what I want to do, albeit on a limited scale.
Side Note: Earlier this evening, we went to "Away We Go" and debated ahead of time whether watching a movie about 20/30 somethings trying to find their place in the world was the best or worst idea we could have. Turns out the movie is fabulous, very in line with Dave Eggers writing, it's thoroughly hilarious and enjoyable. It's one of my top movies now, I can't recommend it highly enough.
But back to bemoaning my situation. I feel truly terrible. Like the world lied to me, it told me I had to do A, B and C to get what I wanted, I did those and whoops! the rules have changed. I feel, honestly, like I finally applied myself and worked at full steam toward something (which of course I didn't do for personal payoff... but...) and it doesn't matter at all. All of the reasons I didn't work at full capacity all along, basically a fear of failure, have come true. This sounds dramatic, but I feel a little dramatic. And a little scorned. Like I did my best and have been told over and over it's not good enough. I have not gotten a lot of jobs, more than I can count.
I think one thing I've realized is that while having no obligations and a summer completely free sounds ideal; for those of us with aspirations beyond being the messy common-law housewife I am currently, it feels pretty shitty. And it's time to call a spade a spade and realize I'm unhappy and even depressed. This isn't a forever condition and I do think I'll look back at pictures of my sweet tan and think of all the free time... and think of it with humor and wistfulness. But then maybe I will read this blog post and remember how shitty it really feels to be applying for jobs I'm not even qualified for, because I'm overqualified, outside of my field ("law") and not even getting interviews in a place you've never been before. Is it shittier than not getting interviewed/hired in the place you've lived for 3 years or the place you've made a surrogate home for 3 years? Hard to say... probably the wallowing will be over tomorrow, but no promises.