The honeymoon is over...

And last night was really tough. I went from writing emails saying, "I'm not lonely and despondent" to realizing, I am lonely and despondent.
I made the mistake of rereading old emails from all kinds of people and feeling sorry for myself that it was Saturday night, I was in over my head and there was no one in a 200-mile radius who would pick up the phone if I called.
Of course everything looks better by the light of day. But there has been some watershed. The social aspect is strange, because while there are a lot of people I like just fine... interactions all feel superficial, I don't feel like in the past month I've really gotten to know anyone or them me. I don't do well in crowds and large-group socializing and that's most of what it has been. And when you're just superficial friends, no one is ever accountable to each other. If someone says they'll call and they don't, there's no recourse because it's almost like you don't know them well enough to demand a to be treated a certain way. Which is really isolating because it means you get dropped for something that sounds better...
Last night I really felt like this was a huge mistake-- I had a comfortable, if not terribly intellectually rewarding, life full of people who genuinely liked and loved me and wouldn't "forget" to call when something else cooler came up... to this. And while I knew it was happening while I was doing it-- I was aware I was giving up a lot of things to be here, I guess I assumed it would all be worth it. But now I don't know... I'm working all of the time, I'm not even particularly good at this and now, yes, I'm lonely and despondent. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Ok, had to get that out. Back to mildly-amusement minutiae...