I haven't been sleeping well since I got here. Really the problem has only been falling asleep, but its put me out of whack with the normal day-cycle. Its also given me a lot of time to think and last night I believe I was kind of able to put my finger on what makes this trip back to New York bitter and sweet... its a different kind of nostalgia. When we miss college or miss study abroad or miss a place, its usually with a little bit of the understanding that the experience there was all wrapped up in a specific time and place. Even if I miss college, I can't go back-- because I don't know anyone there anymore and I am too old. Or I know that when I feel nostalgic for Chile (see below...) its really for the times and peoples involved in the memory. Anyway, New York isn't like that. I had a complete life here and its a very strange feeling to spend a week seeing how I could also just slip back into it. And how there are still all these elements here that just aren't present in my new life. Over this week, from dinners and beers with friends to walks to lunches with the work friends, its just strange to see the overview and realize how complete that life was. The old life had a great apartment, decent-if-not-thrilling job, amazing friends and a very functional relationship with someone I loved (not necessarily in that order.) I feel like I should again reiterate-- I like my new life. I am not unhappy. I have befriended great people. BUT, like everything in the midwest, it's just all a little newer, less developed and a little less charming.
And its also not to say that there haven't been a lot of changes here. I am typing from Allison's studio in Chelsea, for example... still trying to get over the fact that she doesn't live in Brooklyn anymore. And a lot of other people aren't here anymore. And the ones that are have made changes, too.
I think its surprised me, this reaction, because I was expecting a "you can't go home again" reality and what I've gotten feels more like... "well, you kind of can."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment